Spring Break Revelation

It is humbling to be a parent. 

Generally speaking, everyone in our family gets along well-enough most of the time, that there is no real reason to take a hard look at the family dynamic.  Until we were halfway between Natural Bridge Caverns and Enchanted Rock. 

Something was plaguing my middle son.  I don't know if his black cloud was brought on by the flu he had at the beginning of the week or what.  All I know is that whatever it was, was very ill-timed. 

The day before, we spent the morning walking through the first real cave my boys have been in, and it was magnificent besides.  We spent the afternoon playing in the spring water at a New Braunfels park, had a great dinner, and spent the night at a hotel, which was a major highlight in its own right.  The negativity ebbed and flowed from my middle son, and was checked by us at its peaks.

The negativity started ramping up again the following morning, and came to a head in route to Enchanted Rock, (where after we camped last Spring Break, vowed to spend every Spring Break thereafter).  He was talking about what a boring life he had and I'm pretty sure there was something about wishing he lived with a different family.

My husband pulled the car over and they had a conversation which didn't require any words.  We decided that if he wasn't able to pull his bad attitude out of the gutter between where we were and where we were going, he could stay in the car with me, and the rest of the family would spend the day hiking as planned.  His choice. 

He got it turned around.  But, just as he did, my oldest took cover under that same black cloud.  I would have loved to have seen (and squished) that little black crab, hiding in that black cloud, jumping from one to the other.  Damn thing.  On our ascent of Enchanted Rock (the same rock they climbed and conquered and have been talking about for a year), my oldest decided we were his enemies, and he wasn't going to climb all the way up because his legs were too tired.  Oh, boy. 

I'm thinking, "This is fun!  Now, I'm pretty sure I have some of the most spoiled kids in this park, which makes me one of the worst parents in this park, etc..."

We finished climbing, and once we got to the top, all was well.  It ended up being a great day and the black crab must have hopped families.  Interestingly, I saw a father gripping his son by his arm on top of that same rock, giving him the "attitude" talk.  I'm just saying... 

But, I was not unscathed.  On the way home, all the kiddos were sacked out from a full day of climbing and sun.  I asked my husband, "Do I need to be doing something differently?"  If my kids can be so ungrateful and negative in such great moments, I feel like I must be doing something wrong.  He said something like "Kids only have kid's perspectives.  They can't really appreciate anything because they've never known anything else."  They have everything they need and a lot of what they want.  Don't get me wrong.  Our kids only get gifts for Christmas and birthdays.  Otherwise, they buy what they want with their own money, saved from special occasions or earned from chores.   But, they are "spoiled" because of the lack of balance in their life.

Basically, they have more than they need coming in (free time, attention, pleasures, stuff), and less of what we need going out (gratitude, respect, work, positive attitude).  So, I changed our current protocol to produce different and satisfactory results - Decrease what is coming in, and increase what is going out. 

Feeling very pleased with this assessment, I sat down and made a list of daily jobs for each boy, in conjunction with a handy "three-strikes-and-you're-out" check mark system for all the behaviors and attitudes we don't want to see.  I covered it with the boys over dinner and relished briefly in the feeling of regaining a sense of balance, control, and peace.  But, then I realized... I've done all this before.  There is nothing new here.  Just a re-commitment to doing what I've already committed to do - Raise children who Love.  Appreciate.  Respect.  Serve.   

It is humbling to be a parent.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for the beauty of Your Creation and time to enjoy it.  Thank you for Spring Break as a time to recover from the flu and see something new.  Thank you for the humility demanded in parenthood.  Thank you for new inspirations and moments of clarity.  Please grant us wisdom, as we raise our children in this wealthy country, where we want for nothing.  Lord, help me to be the mother you intended me to be, before you granted me the gift of motherhood.  Help me to talk less and act more. Thank you for the gift of a partner in the difficult journey of raising children.  Please sustain those who have to do it on their own.  Thank you for so many chances to get it right and help us extend Your Mercy to those who live under our own roof.  Please bless our children with hearts like Yours.  Help them to be meek and humble of heart, so that they may enjoy Your Presence for eternity.  Amen. 

Four Supremely Important Questions

"Redemption, salvation for every individual, consists in doing the will of God, no more and no less."  Fr. Walter Ciszek, He Leadeth Me

Redemption and salvation are THE two most important things for any human life.  Consequently, it is supremely important to understand what the will of God looks like in our daily lives, if that is the means to obtain THE two most important things.

But, "It's hard to know what God wants!"  Right?

Wrong.

According to Fr. John Devlin (one of the retreat masters from my silent retreat), "We must choose between the reign of Christ (loving God and others) and the reign of the devil (whatever increases self and creates distance from God)."

Luke 16:13 and Matthew 6:24 tell us, "No one can serve two masters."  Fr. John agrees, yet points out the reality in our daily lives. "Sometimes, we serve two masters within the same hour."  Can you identify with this?  For most of us, we are constantly choosing self or battling to resist.  We often have an internal struggle on our hands.

He reminded us that after following the Ten Commandments, fulfilling the duties of our state-in-life (spouse, parent, single, religious) is our primary pathway to holiness.  As good as other opportunities and activities are, they must not interfere with the calling we have already received, and the duties which accompany that calling.

So, a few practical questions are very helpful as we navigate our daily lives:

1.  Who am I serving?
2.  Will this get me closer to Heaven?
3.  Am I doing what I should be doing right now?
4.  Is there anything better that I should be doing?

I have found the answers to these questions, throughout a day's time, to be very illuminating.  Since returning from my retreat and pondering these questions, I have changed several things in my life that previously I did habitually and unconsciously.  Specifically:

1.  I silenced the text alert on my phone, so I am not continually being distracted by it, and interrupting what I have already determined needs to be done.  (Instead, I check it and catch up in a quiet moment when I am not otherwise engaged).

2.  I took Facebook off of my phone.  Way too easy to kill a minute, or 5, or 10, several times a day.  Now, I only get on Facebook when I intend to, because it requires me to plop in front of the computer (which I don't like to do).

3.  I stopped checking blog statistics in between posts.  I am writing for God, and to God I am leaving the results.  I was "stealing time" for something that belongs to God anyway.

4.  I am keeping one day commitment-free and limiting the length of other engagements, so that my schedule reflects that my family is my first priority, after God.  I was not doing anything to safeguard the time that is necessary to fulfill the duties relating to my state-in-life, as a wife and mother:  Housecleaning, planning well for meals, jumping on the trampoline, building Legos, and just "being"...

God can also lead us by the circumstances of any given moment.  Often, what we should do next demands to be done, and involves no thought at all.  However, Fr. John reminds us, "We do not answer to the circumstances of our lives.  We answer to the Lord."

"He [God] writes His own Gospel in the hearts of the just.  All their actions, every moment of their lives, are the Gospel of the Holy Spirit.  The souls of the saints are the paper, their sufferings and actions, the ink.  The Holy Spirit with the pen of His power writes a living Gospel, but a Gospel that cannot be read until it has left the press of this life, and has been published on the day of eternity.  Oh! great history!  grand book written by the Holy Spirit in this present time!  It is still in the press.  There is never a day when the type is not arranged, when the ink is not applied, or the pages are not primed." Jean Pierre de Caussade, Abandonment to Divine Providence

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for this sunny day, time with the women in my women's group this morning, priests who devote themselves to You for the salvation of souls, and for any clarity we gain on our salvation journey.  Thank you for extended quiet where You are most easily heard, and for all of the lights, graces, and consolations You bestowed upon me during those 3 days of silence. 

Lord, please help me to be honest with myself, so that I may be honest with You and others.  Help me to know myself well, so that I may cling to You ever more tightly, and to my own pride, less and less.  Thank you for being so gentle with me, and revealing areas of weakness in times of abundant grace.  I love You.  Amen. 

A New Heart - Part II

If we repent of our sins, (tell God we're sorry and turn away from them), and ask Christ for a new heart, He will give it to us.  If we ask Christ for a new heart prematurely (before repenting), we block His action by putting ourselves and our sin in His way.  So, let's assume we've asked God's forgiveness, we're making every human effort to do better, and Jesus has given us a new heart. 

How do we honor and preserve this gift?  If we fail to act and let our new heart remain a lofty ideal, then we didn't need to bother asking for a new heart in the first place.  Action is necessary and must be specific.  So, what should it look like?  You can probably come up with a laundry list of your own here, but I'm simple and into "fail-safe" ideas, so feel free to borrow if you need a little inspiration.

#1.  Empty yourself.  Mother Teresa says, "Even God Himself cannot fill what is already full."  Ask yourself what you fill yourself up with (especially in those moments when you feel the void that only God can fill).  Facebook?  Email?  Food?  Shopping?  Texting friends?  Family?  Yes.  Yes.  No.  No!  Yes.  Yes. 

Seriously, I just started "fasting" from my phone.  I'm trying to look at it only every two hours, (instead of every time I walk into the kitchen and see it on the counter).  If it weren't for the possible phone call from school for a sick kid, or keeping in touch with my husband, I would be tempted to lock it up somewhere and only pull it out after the kids were in bed.  At any rate, iPhone time is definitely something that is on my chopping block!     

#2.  Forgive others.  There's a line from a Sara Bareilles song that says, "I'm not the girl that I intend to be."  That's for sure.  What's your biggest obstacle to being the girl/guy that you intend to be?  If you are tempted to answer with the name of another, then your biggest obstacle is forgiveness.  If you don't want to forgive, then your first step is simple.  You need to ask God for the desire.

#3.  Wait on the Lord.  Cultivate silence.  Begin your day in prayer and in Scripture.  You cannot walk through your day with your Savior, if you don't meet up with Him in the morning.  Yes, other prayer times are good (and necessary!), but kicking off your day with Jesus is non-negotiable if you want to dwell in His peace.  There's no gettin' around it.

Do not be too ready to do, just be.  I said "Be ye therefore perfect", not do perfect things.  Try and grasp this.  Individual efforts avail nothing.  It is only the work of My Spirit that counts.  Dwell in thought on this, more and more.  Saints have taken a lifetime to grasp it."
~Jesus, in God Calling

#4.  Accomplish your daily tasks with joy.  After spending time in silence and allowing God to speak to you in it and through Scripture, we have things that must be done.  We do not live on an island or in a vacuum (Thank goodness, because if I lived in my vacuum, I would be really dirty).  See every task and person as God Himself asking something of you, and the joy will come on its own.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for another gorgeous day, where we can feel Your love through the sun on our faces and the breeze on our skin!  Thank you for the gift of a new heart every time we ask for it.  Thank you for Your unfathomable mercy.  It allows me to come to You as often as I need, without worrying about using up my quota of chances, forgiveness, and love.  Please help us be the person that You intended us to be, and give us the grace to see and remove those things that block Your Divine Action.  Help us to be more, and do less, especially when it is not for love and in the service of our brother.  Amen.

What To Bury in A New Year

Happy New Year!  There's nothing like an official fresh start.  It's true that every moment of every day offers the same opportunity to begin again, but sometimes the obvious helps us observe the reality.

Normally, I feel very reflective this time of year and already have a list of things I want to improve or change.  So far, the list is short:

1.  Exercise (Still trying to figure out the plan here, as I cancelled my gym membership a few months ago.  It required me to drag my 3-year-old out of the house every day of the week, which just isn't fair).  I also tried putting my tennis shoes on and walking out of the house with a jump rope in my hand, as I saw my boys off to school.  That worked for awhile...  Probably need to be praying for the desire on this one, because right now, I have none.

2.  Make it to daily Mass once a week.

3.  Re-eliminate soda.  Stick to water and coffee.

4.  Make a menu and use it - avoid the "make dinner with whatever is on hand" scenario.

One of my favorite garage sale book finds of the year, God Calling, is a little red hardbound book, written anonymously by two old, poor, suffering women, to whom God revealed Himself.  They recorded His words to them, in a daily meditation format.  Today's is entitled Between the Years:

~Our Lord and our God.  We joy in Thee.  Without Thy Help we could not face unafraid the year before us.~

I stand between the years.  The Light of My Presence is flung across the year to come-the radiance of the Sun of Righteousness.  Backward, over the past year, is My Shadow thrown, hiding trouble and sorrow and disappointment.

Dwell not on the past-only on the present.  Only use the past as the trees use My Sunlight to absorb it, to make from it in after days the warming fire-rays.  So store only the blessings from Me, the Light of the World.  Encourage yourselves by the thought of these.

Bury every fear of the future, of poverty for those dear to you, of suffering, of loss.  Bury all thought of unkindness and bitterness, all your dislikes, your resentments, your sense of failure, your disappointment in others and in yourselves, your gloom, your despondency, and let us leave them all, buried, and go forward to a new and risen life.

Remember that you must not see as the world sees.  I hold the year in My Hands-in trust for you.  But I shall guide you one day at a time. 

Leave the rest with Me.  You must not anticipate the gift by fears or thoughts of the days ahead.

And for each day I shall supply the wisdom and the strength.

Dear God, Thank you for a new day, a new year, and keeping us safe through the night.  Please help me to do everything you command here.  Help me to remain in "today".  I leave tomorrow to You.  Please give me the courage, desire, strength, and love to do Your will. I love You.  Amen.

     

Slowing Down To Celebrate Christmas and the Sacrament of the Present Moment

It's Advent.  A season of waiting and preparing our hearts to receive The Infant Jesus on His birthday.  How can I prepare a dusty and cluttered room for a King?!  It seems more than a little bit beyond what I am capable of.  But, I know I can't (or at least shouldn't) do nothing.  So, I need to begin by sweeping it out and letting some fresh air in.  In other words, I need to go to confession.  I need to acknowledge and let go of all that is ugly, selfish, and stained. 

Once I've cleaned His room as much as possible, how can I celebrate His arrival?!  Simply by being with Him.  Slowing down to joyfully receive all that comes, without rushing ahead or lagging behind.  To bear in mind the words and ideas of St. Francis de Sales:

We must attend to the business of life carefully, but without eagerness or overanxiety.  Gently flowing rivers bear barges with rich merchandise.  Make haste slowly.  We are always soon enough when we do well.  Accept the duties which come upon you quietly, and try to fulfill them methodically one after the other.  Remember the productive honeybee, who quietly goes about its business, while the bumblebee just makes noise.

If I can slow down, I can begin to celebrate the sacrament of the present moment.  It is a perpetual victory for Christ when one is aware of His presence in all things!  It is foolish to think He is pleased to be an afterthought and that He doesn't mind waiting until I'm finished with everything and everyone else.  If we remain unable to see Him in others and ordinary circumstances, He will always be last.  Reserved until the end of the day, when all of the others climb into bed, and we're too tired to pay Him any worthy attention at all.  

"The power of the most High shall over-shadow thee (Luke 1:35), said the angel to Mary.   This shadow, beneath which is hidden the power of God for the purpose of bringing forth Jesus Christ in the soul, is the duty, the attraction, or the cross that is presented to us at each moment."   Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade, Abandonment to Divine Providence

If I can get his room in shape and slow down enough to spend time with Him there, only one question remains.  How can I bring Him to others?  By taking Him in the love which wraps our daily acts of kindness.  If those who receive them ponder the love, if they question the love, if the love they feel gives them pause, they will find Christ from Whom all love emanates.

If we can accomplish these things (Cleaning the King's room, Slowing down, Living in the present moment, and bringing Him to others),  We will honor Christ's birth and His life.  We will be like His Mother. 

Dear Baby Jesus and Savior King, Help me to prepare a room in my heart that is worthy of You.  Help me to slow down and attempt only one thing at a time.  Please give me eyes to "see" You in every person and circumstance.  Please give me the grace to be more like Your Mother.  I don't want to leave You for the end of the day, when I don't have anything else to give.  I know how I fare without Your Help in this, for that is where I am today.  Thank you for your mercy, patience, and love.  Thank you for trusting humanity enough to come to this world as an infant.  I am in awe of You and I love You.  Amen.

Innumerable Actions of Very Little Importance

I haven't written in a while, because I haven't encountered anything that could inspire more than a sentence or two.  That hasn't really changed, but enough time has passed that a many "sentence or two" can turn out to be something worth reading. 

I read my favorite book ever, Abandonment to Divine Providence by Fr. Jean Pierre de Caussade a year ago on my Kindle.  I highlighted the book in its entirety (practically).  Normally, when I read a paper book, I handwrite the things I want to remember in another book for easier reference.  However, I used the lazy Kindle highlighting function, so I am just now going back and writing all of the quotes I loved, basically the whole thing.

"Review your life.  Is it not composed of innumerable actions of very little importance?  Well, God is quite satisfied with these.  They are the share that the soul must take in the work of its perfection."

Lately, my share in the work of my soul's perfection has consisted of cancelling my gym membership, cleaning the house, and facilitating a class for women at my Church.

I cancelled my gym membership because I would have to drag my 3-year-old out of the house 5 days a week to get 3 workouts in.  I'm already committed the other two.  It's not fair to him and it frees us up, alot.  I can work out while he's playing on the jungle gym or "walk the street" in front of my house while he's napping.  So far so good.

As for housecleaning, I dusted off a cleaning chart I made some years ago and am putting it back to work!  My husband helped me arrive at this resolution by reminding me (after several weeks of stewing on it) that he goes to work everyday; That's his job.  My "job" is to care for the kiddos that are home and take care of the house.  That's the deal.

Before I could admit that he was right, I had to remind him that he works for a paycheck.  I work to please him (Lord knows the kids don't care about whether the blinds are dusted!!).  For a while, it seemed like there wasn't much I could do to please him, so it was killing my motivation a little (read: a lot).  I told him that even though he likes his job, if he stopped getting paid, he might be inclined to quit showing up.  Same here.

To make a short story long, He was right and I had to spend a few days figuring out how to work cleaning back in the schedule, but we're back to good and the house is happy. 

By the way, one of my most invaluable tools for planning my time, is my Miranous planner.  Miranda Walichowski designed it and illustrates on every page what our priorities should be.  All you have to do is fill in the space to put in the specifics from your life:  God, Family, S.E.L.F. (Social, Emotional, Leisure, Fitness), Home, and Work.  You can check out her stuff at www.miranous.com.  I stopped using my planner over the summer and could have avoided the "housecleaning issue" with my husband if I would not have done that!

Lastly, a word about the power of the spoken word...

I talked to an old friend from KS a couple of weeks ago.  After a little catching up, he asked me how my family was doing.  I said, "Great."  He said, "I heard you were getting a divorce.  It really upset me to hear that."  I asked who he heard that from and he said "Oh, I think it went through just about everybody (all of the people we used to work with)".I said, "Frank, that's not true.  Everything is fine.  There isn't a bit of truth to that."  He was relieved and so was I! 

I didn't expect that weird conversation to hang with me, but it did.  I texted my husband about the conversation and my phone rang as soon as I hit "Send".  "What?  Who said that?  Who told him that?"  and so on...  I was amused at first that someone still cared enough about me to start a rumor 10 years after working with me, but then it just unsettled me.  Thoughts like, "Is everything okay in my marriage?  Is there something I don't know? After all, I live with my husband and he seemed just as shocked as I was, so surely there's nothing to it."  It sounds ridiculous even to write this, but that is the power of the word!  A great reminder to only speak truth and life!     

Dear Creator and Redeemer, Thank you for giving us the Word made flesh.  Thank you for teaching us about the power of our words, through your Son.  Thank you for planners (and the people who make them) that begin and end the day with You.  Thank you for marriage and the way it makes us better people.  Thank you for housecleaning charts and all of the other ways we can be held accountable.  Thank you for giving us Your grace when we ask for it, as we continue each day with innumberable actions of very little importance.  I hope You really are satisfied with those.  I love you.  Amen.

First Day of School

Today was as good as it gets for the first day of school.  The boys were all smiles this morning, we were on time, and they only had good things to say when they came home.  Wyatt and I had nowhere we had to be, so we played in the dirt, went to the mall to replace a watch battery, and watched a little bit of a movie.  Quality time, for sure. 

My plan was to have cookies made when they got home and to set the stage for our new after-school routine.  But, I didn't get an early enough start and still had to bake them when they got home.  By the time I had the first batch out of the oven, my oldest was already at the neighbor's house and I had "lost" my audience. 

I decided I want to reserve the first 5 minutes after they get home.  5 for 5.  5 minutes for 5 details from the day.  If you have girls, this may seem ridiculous - they probably don't stop talking about who was wearing what and how they felt about what so and so said...But, my experience (and the experience of all of the boy moms I've talked to) is that we have to mine for details!!  They do not come easily!  So, my plan is to have a snack on the table when they walk in the door and for everybody to "come clean" during snack time.  I'm 0 for 1, so I can only go up from here.

Miranda Walichowski suggests having a set learning time after school, as well.  That way, they develop the habit whether they have homework or not.  So, instead of squeezing homework in at 7:00 after dinner, we're going to get it knocked out from 4-4:30 (hopefully 1st and 2nd grade homework doesn't take longer than 30 minutes).  Again, I'm 0 for 1, so I can only improve tomorrow!

I also told the neighbor boy he could come every day after school (like he did last year), but he would have to go home at 4, instead of at supper time.

We'll see how my great vision turns out.  I feel like just thinking about these things puts me in a better position than where we were last year at this time.  I'm going for proactive this year.  Reactivity is for the birds.

Here's a little blast from the past.  It's fun (and funny) to look back even just 2 years and read how many things have changed.

August 23, 2010 - 1:59pm 

Today was Brayton’s first day of kindergarten.  I can’t believe it is finally here.  Things I know…Walker still hears Bman yelling even when he’s not here.  He is ready for BMan to come home after 30 minutes.  He can also do “bear duty” (scouring the house at naptime for Wyatt’s bear – normally Bman’s job).  He likes to sleep in Bman’s bed when he’s gone.  He needs ME to play LEGOS with him (and I thought less kids meant less work J.  We also checked his class schedule a couple of times to see what Brayton was doing at any given time.  Brayton was excited to go!  However, we apparently need more crosswalk training.  The crossing guard gave us the go-ahead and Bman started riding his bike 90 degrees away from her, crossing the busy street she wasn’t guarding!  Traumatic, indeed.  I think we’ll be walking from now on.  The bikes can stay at home.   

Anyway, the only tears this morning were mine and thankfully, Brayton didn’t see them.  I held them back until he was on his way into his classroom.  I am so proud of him and I can’t wait to hear about his day.  Our schedule is going to be so much different at home.  Dressed, teeth brushed, breakfast eaten, Bman at school, and all of us home again a little after 8!  Wow.  I think I am going to get a lot more done in a day’s time. 

I have felt for so long that my kids were always going to be little and at home with me (even though I know the world is full of grown-ups and I’m one myself), but now I feel the clock picking up speed.  Next year, it is just going to be Wyatt and I after the first day of school.  Unbelievable!  So, here we go, this is the beginning of Phase 2 – having school-aged children.  Yay!

Dear God, Thank you for people who have the gift of teaching and for all of the people who change our children for the better.  Thank you for times of quiet and days that you don't have to leave the house if you don't want to.  Thank you for legs that can walk and ride bikes and for crossing guards to protect them when doing so.  Thank you for being such a gentle teacher.  Amen.

Choices

This is sort of Part B to yesterday's post... From time to time, I realize the weight that each choice in my life carries and how unconciously or selfishly I make them most of the time. 

I felt continual pressure and guilt when my kids were younger (before they started school). When I was cooking or cleaning, I felt like I should be spending time with my boys. When I was spending time with my boys, I felt like I should be doing something around the house. I became very occupied with trying to figure out how much of my day was supposed to be spent with my kiddos. I even called and wrote to Focus on the Family. My thinking was that if we know how many hours of sleep the average person needs, surely they can figure out, on average, what percentage of our time needs to be spent engaging our kids. However, they were no help. They just assured me that I was a good mother for even asking the question, said there's no way to know (the same kid can have different needs on different days), and left me to my own devices.

Following is my journal entry from January 16, 2011, which illustrates one of the times when my choices forced me to look at them head-on:

I am wondering how many choices I make in a day's time.  Not about what to eat or what to wear, but about what to do next.  There are things I now do automatically because of choices I made a long time ago.  For example, today is Sunday.  I will go to church at 11.  No brainer.  This no longer registers as a choice in my brain.  Just as, when I wake up every morning, I drink a cup of coffee and read something to feed my spirit and help me live my beliefs.  So today, I'm going to focus on those moments when I am choosing what to do next, not the choices that are made for me, like  making meals to feed my family, changing a diaper, etc...  I want to make choices based on what is important to me.  (end)
For the 7 days that followed, I kept track of how many actual choices I made during a normal work day.  The number of recorded choices I made in a day ranged from 4 to 13.  Anything from playing Legos, sweeping the floor, to reading a book.  The choices can be lumped into three groups:  Spending time with the kids, Cleaning/Cooking/Errands, Doing something for myself.  Out of 39 total choices, the boys got 46% of my time, the house/chores got 33%, and I got 21%.

I am happy to see that my boys got more time than anything else, but I also know it isn't always that way.  I want to give them more of myself, but they are getting older and don't seem very interested most of the time.  They would rather play a video game or play with their friends.  After all, I'm not very good at playing guns or swords (probably because I don't really know what to do and I don't really enjoy it).  Instead, I offer to play Uno, Battleship, but that isn't usually what they have in mind, either.  I think this is a natural progression, but in the poorly lit corner of my mind, I still wonder "Maybe they just gave up on me a long time ago (because I've been too selfish) and they have ruled me out as somebody to play with."

The important thing for me to realize is that it is not about whether or not they take me up on my offer.  It is about seeking them out and offering them my most coveted gift, my time.  If they don't accept, then I can let go of the guilt (at least for a little while).  So, for now, I will make it a point to make myself available to each one of my boys at least once a day, and they can take it or leave it. I'm going to write their names on the white board on my refrigerator.  Once I've offered, I'll put a smiley face by their name.  Accountability is good.

"The diminuitive chains of habit are generally too small to be felt, till they are too strong to be broken."  - Unknown-

Dear Heavenly Father, I am going to have to stand before you one day and give an account for my life.  I am going to see all of the times when I passed up opportunities to love and serve You, my family, and those people you have placed in my life.  Please forgive me where I have fallen short.  Please give me the grace to do better by living more selflessly, starting right now.  Thank you for time, chances, and choices.  You are a loving, generous, and merciful God.  I love you.  Amen.

What Am I Supposed To Be Doing With My Time?!

Today is my husband's birthday.  Last night, I asked him if he had to entitle the past year, what he would name it.  The year of what???  He never really answered the question (probably because I kept offering suggestions and he couldn't think straight), but just said it has been a really good year. 

What makes a good year?  I think a year is good mostly because we spend our time well and because we've grown in one or several areas: physically (gotten stronger and more fit), spiritually (closer to God), socially (closer to others), and emotionally (less prone to temper tantrums).  It is true that other things can make a year good, like inheriting a bunch of money, a new baby, a promotion, or some other unmerited gift, but my focus is on the more probable and dependable variables:  growth and the gift of time.
   
Time itself has been very good to me.  Following is a journal entry from 7 years ago.  I no longer wonder how I am supposed to be spending my time; that has become clear for me.  But, it wasn't always that way.

May 16, 2005 - It’s Monday and I’m wondering what I’m supposed to be doing.  The only thing I feel 100% certain of is that time spent with my son is time well-spent.  Not a moment is lost or untreasured.  If God were in the driver’s seat – Where would he be taking us?  What would he be doing in his free time?  I hardly think he would be reading a murder mystery and catching some rays.  What’s really important?  How can I have a whole day and not know what I am supposed to do?!  Our time here on earth is supposed to be spent getting ready to go to heaven…What am I supposed to do?  Spend the days with the lonely, poor, disadvantaged lot?  Where are they?  Who are they?  Am I supposed to study the Word all day long – looking for the answers to these questions?  God – Please let your will be done in my life…May I be your light in the world.  Please shine through me, Lord.  I Love You!  Fixing fences, mowing lawns, cleaning house…Are we wasting precious time? (end)

In 7 years, I have learned (with God's grace) what I am supposed to be doing with my time.  I am supposed to spend the first and last wakeful periods of the day in conversation with God.  Spend time in His Word.  Pray always (praise, thanksgiving, contrition, and petition).  Beyond that, I am supposed to love and serve others.  First, my husband, then kids, then everyone else.  I take the opportunities to love and serve as they come to me (as an obvious need or as an inspiration).  I have learned that we can be doing anything that is not morally depraved and still be in the Presence of God. 

I have learned that what we are doing matters much less than how we are doing it.  If you are closer to Heaven (more mindful of God) when you are finished, then it was time well-spent.

I don't know who to attribute the following quote to, but I copied it from one of those inspirational posters.  I love the idea of exchanging a day of our life for something.  It seems to capture the profundity of what we are really doing.

"This is the beginning of a new day.  You have been given this day to use as you will.  You can waste it or use it for good.  What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.  When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good."
In Make Today Count, John Maxwell says:  "The things that matter most must never be at the mercy of those that matter least."  "Have I added value to anyone's life today?"  He also quotes D.L. Moody "Do all the good you can, to all the people you can, in all the ways you can, as long as you can."

Lastly, the following quote was very freeing for me (especially in the housework arena), so I hope it is the same for you.

"Some things need doing better than they've ever been done before. Some just need doing. Others don't need doing at all. Know which is which." - Unknown

Dear Lord, Thank you for the gift of time.  Give us the grace to recognize it.  Thank you for leading us so gently and answering questions that we forgot we asked.  Thank you for making it simple to follow You.  Please give us wisdom to discern what needs to be done well, what just needs to be done, and what doesn't need doing at all.  Help us to pursue all of our activities with the goal of being closer to Heaven when we finish.  We love you.  Amen.