Human beings don't like change. Right? Wrong, according to Patrick Lencioni, business consultant and author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. According to Patrick, human beings crave change, but we don't like transitioning.
After watching a video by Patrick Lencioni about transition management, based on Bill Bridges' work, I want to share what I've learned. I really feel like knowing what the stages are in a transition, and what to expect at each stage, could highly transform how smoothly and victoriously we embrace change in our lives.
I am not currently in transition to or from anything, but I know a lot of people who are. They are in between jobs, have a child who is graduating from high school, preparing for a move, or adjusting to someone new living in their house. Change, and necessary transition, come in as many forms as there are people.
My hope is that if you are not in transition, this will prepare you for what's ahead. And, if you are in transition, that this outline will bring a new perspective. A new perspective that reinvigorates you and gives you hope, wherever you are in the process.
NOTES:
There are three stages to pass through when going from x to y:
1. Endings - Saying goodbye to the old.
a. Loss
b. Response to loss
c. Ceremony
2. Neutral zone - Not sure if the new way is better or if you're ever going to get there.
a. Need 2 Cs - Care and Concern
b. Need 4 Ps - Purpose, picture, plan, and part.
3. New Beginnings - just happen. Once here, you can't imagine life being any other way, and you wonder why it took so long to get here.
__________________________________________________
Endings
When we are in the "Endings" portion of transition, we are dealing with loss. All change brings about loss. Several people can experience the same event, but feel loss in different areas of their lives. The different areas we can experience loss are:
1. Structure
2. Control
3. Identity
4. Future - How we thought it would play out.
5. Meaning
6. Attachments to people
7. Turf
According to He Leadeth Me by Walter Ciscek and Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, nervous breakdowns happen because people don't realize they have a choice of how to respond to loss.
There are four possible responses to loss (the 4 Rs):
1. Restore what was lost.
Examples: Get lost job back, rebuild damaged house in same location, just as it was before).
2. Replace what was lost with something similar.
Examples: Get a similar job or similar house in a similar neighborhood. *This is what we usually do.
3. Redesign. Change the way we live. Choose something new.
Examples: Start your own business. Live in a different environment.
4. Relinquish. Give up an idea, plan, unrealistic goal, or pursuit.
Example: Give up the idea of being an Olympic runner.
Ceremony: To end the "Endings" phase of transition, we need ceremony. We need ceremony because when we don't let go of the past, we get stuck in it. Ceremony is how we make sure the past is left behind.
Examples: When Cortez's ships finally landed, he burned them. There was no going back! We have a wedding ceremony to indicate to all (especially ourselves) that we are no longer single! We need an external event to signify the internal change/shift.
Neutral Zone
When we enter into the neutral zone, we experience the greatest anxiety, fear, growth, and innovation. To maximize our productivity and progress, we need the 2 Cs (take care not to poo-poo these. Bad things happen if we don't get them!):
1. Care
2. Concern
If we don't get these 2 critical things during this time, one of three things will likely happen:
1. We will go back to the "old".
2. We will leave. Opt out.
3. We will quit and stay where we are.
In addition to the 2 Cs, we also need the 4 Ps:
1. Purpose: Remember why we're going through this difficult time.
2. Picture: Where we are headed. Why it's going to be better. What it's going to look like when we get there.
3. Plan: Lay out a bare minimum plan. Manageable chunks/steps to be taken to achieve goal.
4. Part: Play your part. If in a team setting, make sure all who are involved have an active role in being a part of the solution.
New Beginnings - Celebrate! You made it through the transition!
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the rain and for safekeeping through the storm last night. Thank you for reminding us of Your power. If fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, as the Scriptures say, increase my fear of You. I would rather fear You too much, than underestimate You. But really, I want to love You more than I fear You, which I do. Thank you for opportunities to gather together with fellow believers, and learn more about the transitions that are inescapable in our lives. Help us to resist the lie that transition "shouldn't be this hard", so that we can accept it for what it is, and keep moving forward. Help us to remember that "This too, shall pass." Please bless all of those who are in transition. Especially those who are trying to say goodbye to something because it has been taken from them. Amen.
Showing posts with label Choices. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Choices. Show all posts
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Four Motherless Children
Disclaimer: I am not a perfect mother. I am not even an excellent mother; I know a lot of moms who are better at motherhood than I am. But, by the grace of God, I love being a Mom (most of the time), and I am either with or available to my boys. Once disorder sets in, there are a lot of circumstances that cannot be helped. Addiction and divorce are two of them. I am not criticizing the mothers below. I could easily be where they are, if my circumstances were the same. I simply pray for them, and grieve for their children.
I spent three and a half hours at the skate park with my two older boys yesterday afternoon. The skate park is almost always a win-win because they're doing what they want to do, and I get to be outside, sitting. Two of my favorite things. But, if you've read some of my other posts, you already know that sometimes I leave with a heavy heart. Yesterday was one of those days.
The first heartbreak (and joy) was spending the afternoon with my little four-year-old buddy. He was there before we arrived and stayed until who-knows-when after we left. His 7th grade brother was also there, and everybody knows them, but the just-turned-four-year-old is still pretty much on his own. At some point, his older sister showed up to bring him lunch. A sandwich, chips, and a Capri Sun. She left right afterwards. His brother "stole" his chips, and they were ultimately spilled on the ground. It was the first time I ever saw him cry. I was getting ready to head home to supplement his lunch when one of the girls hanging around offered to buy him another bag, which was the first act of kindness I've seen there (that part was refreshing).
I asked the boys if their Mom ever came to watch them. The little one said, "No". The older one said, "Sometimes." While I was thinking about my four-year-old at home napping, and seeing my little friend's "thousand yard stare", I was struck by such a feeling of helplessness. After sitting with him the whole afternoon, I had to tell him it was time for us to leave because I had to make dinner. The helplessness struck again. He can't cross the street by himself and he can't come home with me...
His mother is alive, and lives right across the street. I can't blame her because I don't know her, and justice is not mine to meter out. But, I know what I see (and have seen many, many times), and that, for whatever reason, is a motherless child.
The second heartbreak was running into an old friend who told me "Things aren't so good at home right now." I pressed a little, and he told me that his wife (and mother of his only son) is strung out on prescription drugs and alcohol. She was recently arrested for public intoxication after she lost her son at the store. She just went through a drug rehab program, and according to him, things look the same as before. I overheard one of their friends say, "I hate seeing her like that. She wouldn't even talk to us." Her son is the same age as mine. And right now, he is a motherless child.
The third heartbreak was when my friend told me that a mutual friend moved several states away, to live closer to her daughter. The closer-to-her-daughter part was good, but she had to leave her two boys behind with her husband. Again, they're about the same age as my guys. Until they rendezvous for the summer or holidays, it seems to me, they are motherless children.
I have to admit, my boys don't seem like they need me most of the time. But, I cannot imagine being separated from them for much more than a week. Anything less than that, I fantasize about. But anything more, I cannot fathom. I can't imagine saying goodbye, or leaving them in my rearview mirror, or not being "there", for whatever.
I ache for these mothers, for I know their love is no less than mine. I ache for these children, for I know their love is as boundless as any child's love. I am powerless to reunite them or swoop in to fix what's been rent. But, I can pray for them, and love more intensely, because the thought of living in any one of their shoes, unable or unwilling to guide the children God entrusted to me, leaves me numb.
And to the parents in my community, who lost their 4-year-old son last week when he was accidentally killed in their driveway, please keep loving. The kids in this world need your love. We all do.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for Your Mother, who was present throughout Your Life, and most especially at the foot of the cross, when very few were left. Thank you for a mother's heart. Help us to intercede for those children, mothers, and families where something has gone awry. Please comfort those who need more love than what they receive. Please help us to take our responsibility as parents seriously, for it is the greatest work on earth, and we will have to give an account of how we've done. Please be with parents of older children who have to make them live somewhere other than home, to keep them safe. Please hear the cries of those parents who have lost their children. The pain of trying to imagine it is unbearable. There can be no words for the pain of living it. Please give us the grace to love well while we can, since we do not know how long we get to try. Amen.
I spent three and a half hours at the skate park with my two older boys yesterday afternoon. The skate park is almost always a win-win because they're doing what they want to do, and I get to be outside, sitting. Two of my favorite things. But, if you've read some of my other posts, you already know that sometimes I leave with a heavy heart. Yesterday was one of those days.
The first heartbreak (and joy) was spending the afternoon with my little four-year-old buddy. He was there before we arrived and stayed until who-knows-when after we left. His 7th grade brother was also there, and everybody knows them, but the just-turned-four-year-old is still pretty much on his own. At some point, his older sister showed up to bring him lunch. A sandwich, chips, and a Capri Sun. She left right afterwards. His brother "stole" his chips, and they were ultimately spilled on the ground. It was the first time I ever saw him cry. I was getting ready to head home to supplement his lunch when one of the girls hanging around offered to buy him another bag, which was the first act of kindness I've seen there (that part was refreshing).
I asked the boys if their Mom ever came to watch them. The little one said, "No". The older one said, "Sometimes." While I was thinking about my four-year-old at home napping, and seeing my little friend's "thousand yard stare", I was struck by such a feeling of helplessness. After sitting with him the whole afternoon, I had to tell him it was time for us to leave because I had to make dinner. The helplessness struck again. He can't cross the street by himself and he can't come home with me...
His mother is alive, and lives right across the street. I can't blame her because I don't know her, and justice is not mine to meter out. But, I know what I see (and have seen many, many times), and that, for whatever reason, is a motherless child.
The second heartbreak was running into an old friend who told me "Things aren't so good at home right now." I pressed a little, and he told me that his wife (and mother of his only son) is strung out on prescription drugs and alcohol. She was recently arrested for public intoxication after she lost her son at the store. She just went through a drug rehab program, and according to him, things look the same as before. I overheard one of their friends say, "I hate seeing her like that. She wouldn't even talk to us." Her son is the same age as mine. And right now, he is a motherless child.
The third heartbreak was when my friend told me that a mutual friend moved several states away, to live closer to her daughter. The closer-to-her-daughter part was good, but she had to leave her two boys behind with her husband. Again, they're about the same age as my guys. Until they rendezvous for the summer or holidays, it seems to me, they are motherless children.
I have to admit, my boys don't seem like they need me most of the time. But, I cannot imagine being separated from them for much more than a week. Anything less than that, I fantasize about. But anything more, I cannot fathom. I can't imagine saying goodbye, or leaving them in my rearview mirror, or not being "there", for whatever.
I ache for these mothers, for I know their love is no less than mine. I ache for these children, for I know their love is as boundless as any child's love. I am powerless to reunite them or swoop in to fix what's been rent. But, I can pray for them, and love more intensely, because the thought of living in any one of their shoes, unable or unwilling to guide the children God entrusted to me, leaves me numb.
And to the parents in my community, who lost their 4-year-old son last week when he was accidentally killed in their driveway, please keep loving. The kids in this world need your love. We all do.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for Your Mother, who was present throughout Your Life, and most especially at the foot of the cross, when very few were left. Thank you for a mother's heart. Help us to intercede for those children, mothers, and families where something has gone awry. Please comfort those who need more love than what they receive. Please help us to take our responsibility as parents seriously, for it is the greatest work on earth, and we will have to give an account of how we've done. Please be with parents of older children who have to make them live somewhere other than home, to keep them safe. Please hear the cries of those parents who have lost their children. The pain of trying to imagine it is unbearable. There can be no words for the pain of living it. Please give us the grace to love well while we can, since we do not know how long we get to try. Amen.
Friday, May 17, 2013
A Traceable Piece of Trash
My youngest and I were at the park this morning. He was playing contentedly, so I decided to fill up my empty bread sack with the little bit of trash I saw laying around (I'm incredibly grateful to my husband for his example in this department). I told God that each piece of trash was an offering for souls, and when my bag was nearly full, I found a ziplock baggie with someone's name written on it with black marker. A traceable piece of trash...
This got me to thinking that every piece of trash I picked up, has someone's name on it. It is just written with invisible ink. Which got me thinking...Every thing we do has our name on it. Good and Bad. Little and Big. Which got me thinking...about Judgment day.
I imagined a big mountain of all the things (actions, thoughts, and words) from my life with my name on it. And then I imagined Jesus sorting through the heap; tossing the bad in a pile a little distance from His feet, and gathering the good to Himself. And I'm standing there watching Him, praying that the Good pile is bigger than the Bad pile, although I'm not really sure that settles anything...
And that's it - I can't see anything beyond the Divine sorting. But, that makes sense to me because I'm still adding to both of them, Good and Bad...
My vanity would love to think of all the good in my life secured with a big flag waving around with my name on it. But, if the "Bad" flags were flown around for all to see first, I think it would crawl under a rock, never to be seen again.
So, I wonder, on Judgment day, do we see the good or the bad first? (By the way, don't you hate, "Well, there's good news and bad news..."?! The bad almost always overshadows the good, and I'm not sure which order you hear them in makes a bit of difference).
Anyway, I think we see the bad first. Because if you get to go to Heaven, you don't want to show up in a bad mood. And, I'm pretty sure if I watched the movie of my life, and the first half was awesome and the last half sucked (excuse the expression), I would be in a pretty bad mood.
Have you heard someone say, "All's well that ends well."? I think that's about right.
At least for today, I'm going to try to remember that everything I do has eternal value, and it is accruing. I'm either getting closer to Heaven or farther away. The heaps of Good and Bad are growing, and they are traceable to me.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the time in the park this morning. Thank you for that brave little squirrel that was nearly eating out of my son's hand, and for that little ziplock baggie with a name scribbled on it. Thank you for moments of reflection about Judgment day that don't suck the air out of my lungs. Your mercy reins over Your justice. I'm counting on that, and I Thank You. Please help me build a mountain of Good, that no human eye can perceive. You know that it must me be so, for it to be purely for love of You. Otherwise, my vanity shoves in, and takes over. I love You. Please make me love You more and more. Amen.
This got me to thinking that every piece of trash I picked up, has someone's name on it. It is just written with invisible ink. Which got me thinking...Every thing we do has our name on it. Good and Bad. Little and Big. Which got me thinking...about Judgment day.
I imagined a big mountain of all the things (actions, thoughts, and words) from my life with my name on it. And then I imagined Jesus sorting through the heap; tossing the bad in a pile a little distance from His feet, and gathering the good to Himself. And I'm standing there watching Him, praying that the Good pile is bigger than the Bad pile, although I'm not really sure that settles anything...
And that's it - I can't see anything beyond the Divine sorting. But, that makes sense to me because I'm still adding to both of them, Good and Bad...
My vanity would love to think of all the good in my life secured with a big flag waving around with my name on it. But, if the "Bad" flags were flown around for all to see first, I think it would crawl under a rock, never to be seen again.
So, I wonder, on Judgment day, do we see the good or the bad first? (By the way, don't you hate, "Well, there's good news and bad news..."?! The bad almost always overshadows the good, and I'm not sure which order you hear them in makes a bit of difference).
Anyway, I think we see the bad first. Because if you get to go to Heaven, you don't want to show up in a bad mood. And, I'm pretty sure if I watched the movie of my life, and the first half was awesome and the last half sucked (excuse the expression), I would be in a pretty bad mood.
Have you heard someone say, "All's well that ends well."? I think that's about right.
At least for today, I'm going to try to remember that everything I do has eternal value, and it is accruing. I'm either getting closer to Heaven or farther away. The heaps of Good and Bad are growing, and they are traceable to me.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the time in the park this morning. Thank you for that brave little squirrel that was nearly eating out of my son's hand, and for that little ziplock baggie with a name scribbled on it. Thank you for moments of reflection about Judgment day that don't suck the air out of my lungs. Your mercy reins over Your justice. I'm counting on that, and I Thank You. Please help me build a mountain of Good, that no human eye can perceive. You know that it must me be so, for it to be purely for love of You. Otherwise, my vanity shoves in, and takes over. I love You. Please make me love You more and more. Amen.
Friday, January 25, 2013
A New Heart - Part II
If we repent of our sins, (tell God we're sorry and turn away from them), and ask Christ for a new heart, He will give it to us. If we ask Christ for a new heart prematurely (before repenting), we block His action by putting ourselves and our sin in His way. So, let's assume we've asked God's forgiveness, we're making every human effort to do better, and Jesus has given us a new heart.
How do we honor and preserve this gift? If we fail to act and let our new heart remain a lofty ideal, then we didn't need to bother asking for a new heart in the first place. Action is necessary and must be specific. So, what should it look like? You can probably come up with a laundry list of your own here, but I'm simple and into "fail-safe" ideas, so feel free to borrow if you need a little inspiration.
#1. Empty yourself. Mother Teresa says, "Even God Himself cannot fill what is already full." Ask yourself what you fill yourself up with (especially in those moments when you feel the void that only God can fill). Facebook? Email? Food? Shopping? Texting friends? Family? Yes. Yes. No. No! Yes. Yes.
Seriously, I just started "fasting" from my phone. I'm trying to look at it only every two hours, (instead of every time I walk into the kitchen and see it on the counter). If it weren't for the possible phone call from school for a sick kid, or keeping in touch with my husband, I would be tempted to lock it up somewhere and only pull it out after the kids were in bed. At any rate, iPhone time is definitely something that is on my chopping block!
#2. Forgive others. There's a line from a Sara Bareilles song that says, "I'm not the girl that I intend to be." That's for sure. What's your biggest obstacle to being the girl/guy that you intend to be? If you are tempted to answer with the name of another, then your biggest obstacle is forgiveness. If you don't want to forgive, then your first step is simple. You need to ask God for the desire.
#3. Wait on the Lord. Cultivate silence. Begin your day in prayer and in Scripture. You cannot walk through your day with your Savior, if you don't meet up with Him in the morning. Yes, other prayer times are good (and necessary!), but kicking off your day with Jesus is non-negotiable if you want to dwell in His peace. There's no gettin' around it.
Do not be too ready to do, just be. I said "Be ye therefore perfect", not do perfect things. Try and grasp this. Individual efforts avail nothing. It is only the work of My Spirit that counts. Dwell in thought on this, more and more. Saints have taken a lifetime to grasp it."
~Jesus, in God Calling
#4. Accomplish your daily tasks with joy. After spending time in silence and allowing God to speak to you in it and through Scripture, we have things that must be done. We do not live on an island or in a vacuum (Thank goodness, because if I lived in my vacuum, I would be really dirty). See every task and person as God Himself asking something of you, and the joy will come on its own.
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for another gorgeous day, where we can feel Your love through the sun on our faces and the breeze on our skin! Thank you for the gift of a new heart every time we ask for it. Thank you for Your unfathomable mercy. It allows me to come to You as often as I need, without worrying about using up my quota of chances, forgiveness, and love. Please help us be the person that You intended us to be, and give us the grace to see and remove those things that block Your Divine Action. Help us to be more, and do less, especially when it is not for love and in the service of our brother. Amen.
How do we honor and preserve this gift? If we fail to act and let our new heart remain a lofty ideal, then we didn't need to bother asking for a new heart in the first place. Action is necessary and must be specific. So, what should it look like? You can probably come up with a laundry list of your own here, but I'm simple and into "fail-safe" ideas, so feel free to borrow if you need a little inspiration.
#1. Empty yourself. Mother Teresa says, "Even God Himself cannot fill what is already full." Ask yourself what you fill yourself up with (especially in those moments when you feel the void that only God can fill). Facebook? Email? Food? Shopping? Texting friends? Family? Yes. Yes. No. No! Yes. Yes.
Seriously, I just started "fasting" from my phone. I'm trying to look at it only every two hours, (instead of every time I walk into the kitchen and see it on the counter). If it weren't for the possible phone call from school for a sick kid, or keeping in touch with my husband, I would be tempted to lock it up somewhere and only pull it out after the kids were in bed. At any rate, iPhone time is definitely something that is on my chopping block!
#2. Forgive others. There's a line from a Sara Bareilles song that says, "I'm not the girl that I intend to be." That's for sure. What's your biggest obstacle to being the girl/guy that you intend to be? If you are tempted to answer with the name of another, then your biggest obstacle is forgiveness. If you don't want to forgive, then your first step is simple. You need to ask God for the desire.
#3. Wait on the Lord. Cultivate silence. Begin your day in prayer and in Scripture. You cannot walk through your day with your Savior, if you don't meet up with Him in the morning. Yes, other prayer times are good (and necessary!), but kicking off your day with Jesus is non-negotiable if you want to dwell in His peace. There's no gettin' around it.
Do not be too ready to do, just be. I said "Be ye therefore perfect", not do perfect things. Try and grasp this. Individual efforts avail nothing. It is only the work of My Spirit that counts. Dwell in thought on this, more and more. Saints have taken a lifetime to grasp it."
~Jesus, in God Calling
#4. Accomplish your daily tasks with joy. After spending time in silence and allowing God to speak to you in it and through Scripture, we have things that must be done. We do not live on an island or in a vacuum (Thank goodness, because if I lived in my vacuum, I would be really dirty). See every task and person as God Himself asking something of you, and the joy will come on its own.
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for another gorgeous day, where we can feel Your love through the sun on our faces and the breeze on our skin! Thank you for the gift of a new heart every time we ask for it. Thank you for Your unfathomable mercy. It allows me to come to You as often as I need, without worrying about using up my quota of chances, forgiveness, and love. Please help us be the person that You intended us to be, and give us the grace to see and remove those things that block Your Divine Action. Help us to be more, and do less, especially when it is not for love and in the service of our brother. Amen.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The Four Wives
I cut this out of a bulletin years ago. I loved it then and still do. Enjoy and Ponder!
Four Wives
Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four
wives. He loved the fourth wife the
most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of
delicacies. He gave her nothing but the
best.
He also loved the third wife very much and was always
showing her off to neighboring kingdoms.
However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.
He also loved his second wife. She was his confidant and was always kind,
considerate, and patient with him.
Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she
would help him get through difficult times.
The king’s first wife was a very loyal partner and had made
great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took
notice of her!
One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was
short. He thought of his luxurious life
and wondered, I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I’ll be all
alone.” Thus, he asked the fourth wife,
“I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great
care over you. Now that I’m dying, will
you follow me and keep me company?”
“No way!” replied the fourth wife, and she walked away
without another word. Her answer cut
like a sharp knife right into his heart.
The sad King then asked the third wife, “I loved you all my
life. Now that I’m dying, will you
follow me and keep me company?”
“No!” replied the third wife. “Life is too good! When you die, I’m going to remarry!” His heart sank and turned cold.
He then asked the second wife, “I have always turned to you
for help and you’ve always been there for me.
When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t help you out this time!” replied the
second wife. “At the very most, I can
only walk with you to your grave.” Her
answer struck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.
Then a voice called out: “I’ll go with you. I’ll follow you no matter where you go.” The King looked up and there was his first
wife. She was very skinny as she
suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the King now took notice of her and said, “I should have
taken much better care of you when I had the chance!”
In truth, we all have four wives in our lives:
Our fourth wife is our body.
No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it
will leave us when we die.”
Our third wife is our possessions, status, and wealth. When we die, it will all go to others.”
Our second wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for
us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.
And our first wife is our Soul; often neglected in pursuit
of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
The Extraordinary Power of Less
My husband and I had a little date this past Friday night. So, of course, we got ice cream and headed to Half-Price Books. We occasionally cross paths once we get there between the Religion and Parenting sections for me and the Military History section for him. (You probably don't want dating advice from us).
I found a few prizes, but couldn't wait to sink my teeth into one in particular, Simplicity Parenting - Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne, M.Ed. I'm a little over halfway through and have found him to beautifully explain many things I've come to believe (mostly unconciously) over time. So far, the gist is this:
~We are "building families on the four pillars of 'too much': too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too fast."
~As our family's architects, "we need to add a little more space and grace, a little less speed and clutter to our children's lives."
~"Relationships are forged in pauses...the ordinary incidental moments that have extraordinary cumulative power."
He seems to answer, in depth, what Thomas Merton eloquently states in Seven Storey Mountain on this same topic:
We live in a society whose whole policy is to excite every nerve in the human body and keep it at the highest pitch of artificial tension, to strain every human desire to the limit and to create as many new desires and synthetic passions as possible, in order to cater to them with the products of our factories and printing presses and movie studios and all the rest.
I am motivated!! I am going through every room in my house and trying to cut the "stuff" in half: clothes, books, toys, etc... and am having a garage sale on Saturday (for those who don't think less is more ;). I am also changing the toys that are available and in-plain-sight for my kiddos: out with sensory overload, in with dominos, magnets, building sets, Legos, etc...
There are a lot of other discussions and things pondered in this book, like rhythm, schedules, and environment. He is very funny, too. I highly encourage you to read this book if you still have kids at home! I can't wait to finish it.
Dear Lord, Thank you for people who can explain things that we inherently know, but can't explain. Thank you for confirmation that life should be more "being" than "doing". Thank you for your grace. Help me extend it to others, most especially my children. Please help me give my children the gift of myself, so that I may not be tempted to "fill in" with other things. Dear Mary, help me to be the Mother that you are. Amen.
I found a few prizes, but couldn't wait to sink my teeth into one in particular, Simplicity Parenting - Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne, M.Ed. I'm a little over halfway through and have found him to beautifully explain many things I've come to believe (mostly unconciously) over time. So far, the gist is this:
~We are "building families on the four pillars of 'too much': too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too fast."
~As our family's architects, "we need to add a little more space and grace, a little less speed and clutter to our children's lives."
~"Relationships are forged in pauses...the ordinary incidental moments that have extraordinary cumulative power."
He seems to answer, in depth, what Thomas Merton eloquently states in Seven Storey Mountain on this same topic:
We live in a society whose whole policy is to excite every nerve in the human body and keep it at the highest pitch of artificial tension, to strain every human desire to the limit and to create as many new desires and synthetic passions as possible, in order to cater to them with the products of our factories and printing presses and movie studios and all the rest.
I am motivated!! I am going through every room in my house and trying to cut the "stuff" in half: clothes, books, toys, etc... and am having a garage sale on Saturday (for those who don't think less is more ;). I am also changing the toys that are available and in-plain-sight for my kiddos: out with sensory overload, in with dominos, magnets, building sets, Legos, etc...
There are a lot of other discussions and things pondered in this book, like rhythm, schedules, and environment. He is very funny, too. I highly encourage you to read this book if you still have kids at home! I can't wait to finish it.
Dear Lord, Thank you for people who can explain things that we inherently know, but can't explain. Thank you for confirmation that life should be more "being" than "doing". Thank you for your grace. Help me extend it to others, most especially my children. Please help me give my children the gift of myself, so that I may not be tempted to "fill in" with other things. Dear Mary, help me to be the Mother that you are. Amen.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
An Elusive Balance - Restoring Wonder and Gratitude
I'm just home from a little vacation at the grocery store. You know what I mean? I took a cup of coffee and strolled through, uninterrupted and in peace! I had to go tonight, because I stopped shopping on Sundays a while ago in order to better observe the Sabbath. So, I made the most of it.
Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to balance a couple of things. 1. Not overreacting when my kids push me too far (which I've been working on for a while now), but reacting enough so that they understand where they went wrong. 2. When to tell them "No", even if I can give them what they want and even if I want to. Why? I believe they are spoiled or getting spoiled.
The sense of wonder I had about everything when I was a kid (and still do) seems to be missing in my own kids. I think we "go" and "do" too much. This is a tough one because I love it, too. I love to swim, and watch them play at the park, and get ice cream, and 1/2 price drinks during Happy Hour. We are at our best when we are outside and having a little adventure, no matter how small. However, this lifestyle has, not surprisingly, spawned a "When?" or "What's next?" attitude with no appreciation for what's happening now or what has gone before. Not good.
Part of the trouble for me (and probably most of the parenting world) is that I am inherently selfish. I realized this some time ago and am trying to be very aware of my selfish tendencies and act contrary to them. Let me give you an example. My boys ask me if I want to play swords. I don't want to. But, I know that I am selfish and as an effort to overcome my selfishness, I say "Yes." Repeat 1-100 times a day, just fill in the blank with a different activity.
Do you see my dilemma? I don't want to be selfish, but instead, I am allowing them to be selfish! Ohhhhhhhhhh! (I told you I process by writing).
So, sometimes, what is best for them is also what is best for me. It is best for them that they know how to entertain themselves. It is best for them that they're allowed to be bored, so their imagination will be forced into action. It is best for all of us, if they are full of gratitude and empty of entitlement.
Grateful kids (who don't feel entitled) are kids who know what it is like to want something. To want something means delayed gratification. It means you don't get it before you ask, before you earn it, before you exchange something for it, or before you wait a long time to obtain it.
I am grateful that we don't have more money than we do. We are less "involved" than most people we know, because we can't afford multiple activities per kid. It seems that when people have a lot of money, saying "No" becomes a lot harder. As parents, all we want is for our kids to be happy (and to go to Heaven). In our society, money and the things it can buy are what our kids think make them happy (albeit for a very short time).
So, what now? For me, I think we'll be staying home tomorrow (except for Church). I'm going to sit down with the summer calendar and mark out "home" days and "go" days. I am doing my boys a disservice by overcoming my selfishness to feed theirs. I am robbing them of opportunities to become creative and self-sufficient. However difficult it may be for me to stay home on days when fighting is the activity of choice and we all wished we lived somewhere else, I think it is worth the discomfort.
If all goes according to plan, my boys have many, many more years left on this earth than I do (and 11-15 years left with me). I want those years to be full of wonder and gratitude!
Oh, Dear God, Please give me wisdom! I want to raise my children in a way that pleases You. I know that You let us figure things out on our own most of the time, but I don't want to get this wrong. Please help me to raise my children with a sense of wonder and gratitude. Thank you for my children. Thank you for loving us perfectly. Please help us to do the same. Amen.
Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to balance a couple of things. 1. Not overreacting when my kids push me too far (which I've been working on for a while now), but reacting enough so that they understand where they went wrong. 2. When to tell them "No", even if I can give them what they want and even if I want to. Why? I believe they are spoiled or getting spoiled.
The sense of wonder I had about everything when I was a kid (and still do) seems to be missing in my own kids. I think we "go" and "do" too much. This is a tough one because I love it, too. I love to swim, and watch them play at the park, and get ice cream, and 1/2 price drinks during Happy Hour. We are at our best when we are outside and having a little adventure, no matter how small. However, this lifestyle has, not surprisingly, spawned a "When?" or "What's next?" attitude with no appreciation for what's happening now or what has gone before. Not good.
Part of the trouble for me (and probably most of the parenting world) is that I am inherently selfish. I realized this some time ago and am trying to be very aware of my selfish tendencies and act contrary to them. Let me give you an example. My boys ask me if I want to play swords. I don't want to. But, I know that I am selfish and as an effort to overcome my selfishness, I say "Yes." Repeat 1-100 times a day, just fill in the blank with a different activity.
Do you see my dilemma? I don't want to be selfish, but instead, I am allowing them to be selfish! Ohhhhhhhhhh! (I told you I process by writing).
So, sometimes, what is best for them is also what is best for me. It is best for them that they know how to entertain themselves. It is best for them that they're allowed to be bored, so their imagination will be forced into action. It is best for all of us, if they are full of gratitude and empty of entitlement.
Grateful kids (who don't feel entitled) are kids who know what it is like to want something. To want something means delayed gratification. It means you don't get it before you ask, before you earn it, before you exchange something for it, or before you wait a long time to obtain it.
I am grateful that we don't have more money than we do. We are less "involved" than most people we know, because we can't afford multiple activities per kid. It seems that when people have a lot of money, saying "No" becomes a lot harder. As parents, all we want is for our kids to be happy (and to go to Heaven). In our society, money and the things it can buy are what our kids think make them happy (albeit for a very short time).
So, what now? For me, I think we'll be staying home tomorrow (except for Church). I'm going to sit down with the summer calendar and mark out "home" days and "go" days. I am doing my boys a disservice by overcoming my selfishness to feed theirs. I am robbing them of opportunities to become creative and self-sufficient. However difficult it may be for me to stay home on days when fighting is the activity of choice and we all wished we lived somewhere else, I think it is worth the discomfort.
If all goes according to plan, my boys have many, many more years left on this earth than I do (and 11-15 years left with me). I want those years to be full of wonder and gratitude!
Oh, Dear God, Please give me wisdom! I want to raise my children in a way that pleases You. I know that You let us figure things out on our own most of the time, but I don't want to get this wrong. Please help me to raise my children with a sense of wonder and gratitude. Thank you for my children. Thank you for loving us perfectly. Please help us to do the same. Amen.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Choices
This is sort of Part B to yesterday's post... From time to time, I realize the weight that each choice in my life carries and how unconciously or selfishly I make them most of the time.
I felt continual pressure and guilt when my kids were younger (before they started school). When I was cooking or cleaning, I felt like I should be spending time with my boys. When I was spending time with my boys, I felt like I should be doing something around the house. I became very occupied with trying to figure out how much of my day was supposed to be spent with my kiddos. I even called and wrote to Focus on the Family. My thinking was that if we know how many hours of sleep the average person needs, surely they can figure out, on average, what percentage of our time needs to be spent engaging our kids. However, they were no help. They just assured me that I was a good mother for even asking the question, said there's no way to know (the same kid can have different needs on different days), and left me to my own devices.
Following is my journal entry from January 16, 2011, which illustrates one of the times when my choices forced me to look at them head-on:
I am wondering how many choices I make in a day's time. Not about what to eat or what to wear, but about what to do next. There are things I now do automatically because of choices I made a long time ago. For example, today is Sunday. I will go to church at 11. No brainer. This no longer registers as a choice in my brain. Just as, when I wake up every morning, I drink a cup of coffee and read something to feed my spirit and help me live my beliefs. So today, I'm going to focus on those moments when I am choosing what to do next, not the choices that are made for me, like making meals to feed my family, changing a diaper, etc... I want to make choices based on what is important to me. (end)
For the 7 days that followed, I kept track of how many actual choices I made during a normal work day. The number of recorded choices I made in a day ranged from 4 to 13. Anything from playing Legos, sweeping the floor, to reading a book. The choices can be lumped into three groups: Spending time with the kids, Cleaning/Cooking/Errands, Doing something for myself. Out of 39 total choices, the boys got 46% of my time, the house/chores got 33%, and I got 21%.
I am happy to see that my boys got more time than anything else, but I also know it isn't always that way. I want to give them more of myself, but they are getting older and don't seem very interested most of the time. They would rather play a video game or play with their friends. After all, I'm not very good at playing guns or swords (probably because I don't really know what to do and I don't really enjoy it). Instead, I offer to play Uno, Battleship, but that isn't usually what they have in mind, either. I think this is a natural progression, but in the poorly lit corner of my mind, I still wonder "Maybe they just gave up on me a long time ago (because I've been too selfish) and they have ruled me out as somebody to play with."
The important thing for me to realize is that it is not about whether or not they take me up on my offer. It is about seeking them out and offering them my most coveted gift, my time. If they don't accept, then I can let go of the guilt (at least for a little while). So, for now, I will make it a point to make myself available to each one of my boys at least once a day, and they can take it or leave it. I'm going to write their names on the white board on my refrigerator. Once I've offered, I'll put a smiley face by their name. Accountability is good.
"The diminuitive chains of habit are generally too small to be felt, till they are too strong to be broken." - Unknown-
Dear Heavenly Father, I am going to have to stand before you one day and give an account for my life. I am going to see all of the times when I passed up opportunities to love and serve You, my family, and those people you have placed in my life. Please forgive me where I have fallen short. Please give me the grace to do better by living more selflessly, starting right now. Thank you for time, chances, and choices. You are a loving, generous, and merciful God. I love you. Amen.
I felt continual pressure and guilt when my kids were younger (before they started school). When I was cooking or cleaning, I felt like I should be spending time with my boys. When I was spending time with my boys, I felt like I should be doing something around the house. I became very occupied with trying to figure out how much of my day was supposed to be spent with my kiddos. I even called and wrote to Focus on the Family. My thinking was that if we know how many hours of sleep the average person needs, surely they can figure out, on average, what percentage of our time needs to be spent engaging our kids. However, they were no help. They just assured me that I was a good mother for even asking the question, said there's no way to know (the same kid can have different needs on different days), and left me to my own devices.
Following is my journal entry from January 16, 2011, which illustrates one of the times when my choices forced me to look at them head-on:
I am wondering how many choices I make in a day's time. Not about what to eat or what to wear, but about what to do next. There are things I now do automatically because of choices I made a long time ago. For example, today is Sunday. I will go to church at 11. No brainer. This no longer registers as a choice in my brain. Just as, when I wake up every morning, I drink a cup of coffee and read something to feed my spirit and help me live my beliefs. So today, I'm going to focus on those moments when I am choosing what to do next, not the choices that are made for me, like making meals to feed my family, changing a diaper, etc... I want to make choices based on what is important to me. (end)
For the 7 days that followed, I kept track of how many actual choices I made during a normal work day. The number of recorded choices I made in a day ranged from 4 to 13. Anything from playing Legos, sweeping the floor, to reading a book. The choices can be lumped into three groups: Spending time with the kids, Cleaning/Cooking/Errands, Doing something for myself. Out of 39 total choices, the boys got 46% of my time, the house/chores got 33%, and I got 21%.
I am happy to see that my boys got more time than anything else, but I also know it isn't always that way. I want to give them more of myself, but they are getting older and don't seem very interested most of the time. They would rather play a video game or play with their friends. After all, I'm not very good at playing guns or swords (probably because I don't really know what to do and I don't really enjoy it). Instead, I offer to play Uno, Battleship, but that isn't usually what they have in mind, either. I think this is a natural progression, but in the poorly lit corner of my mind, I still wonder "Maybe they just gave up on me a long time ago (because I've been too selfish) and they have ruled me out as somebody to play with."
The important thing for me to realize is that it is not about whether or not they take me up on my offer. It is about seeking them out and offering them my most coveted gift, my time. If they don't accept, then I can let go of the guilt (at least for a little while). So, for now, I will make it a point to make myself available to each one of my boys at least once a day, and they can take it or leave it. I'm going to write their names on the white board on my refrigerator. Once I've offered, I'll put a smiley face by their name. Accountability is good.
"The diminuitive chains of habit are generally too small to be felt, till they are too strong to be broken." - Unknown-
Dear Heavenly Father, I am going to have to stand before you one day and give an account for my life. I am going to see all of the times when I passed up opportunities to love and serve You, my family, and those people you have placed in my life. Please forgive me where I have fallen short. Please give me the grace to do better by living more selflessly, starting right now. Thank you for time, chances, and choices. You are a loving, generous, and merciful God. I love you. Amen.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Becoming the Best-Version-of-Yourself
"Well, Max, if a fish is good at being a fish, and a bird is good at being a bird, then you Max, are good at being Max. You are not here to be Michael or Hannah or Will, you are here to be you...You are here to become the-best-version-of-yourself."
My stepmom (Grandma Meg) just bought this book for my boys and excitedly read it to them a couple of nights in a row at bedtime. The source of this quote and this idea are already making a huge impact in my family's life. It is entitled Why am I Here? - a story about becoming the-best-version-of-yourself! by Matthew Kelly.
Yesterday, on the way home from school, one of my son's friends fell off of his bike. His elbow was all bloody and he kept holding one of his shoulders. My boys jumped into action! One of them ran home (unbeknownst to me) and came back with a Band-Aid. My other son walked his friend's bike to his mom. When we got home, my oldest son said, "I need to call Grandma Meg!!" "Why?", I asked. He said, "I need to tell her about being the-best-version-of-myself!!! She told me to call her when that happens!" So, he called and I think his Grandma has had few prouder moments. He got it!
He was so thrilled at having been the-best-version-of-himself that he wanted to find more things to do. He made a card for his friend and we rode bikes over to his house to hand-deliver it. His friend wasn't home, so he just left it at the front door, but he was beaming! He was so proud of himself and I know he is eager to repeat the experience of being the-best-version-of-himself and the wonderful feelings that go with it.
If you have children and want them to become the best-version-of-themselves, this book is an awesome way to communicate what that looks like, and they can grasp it!! It is an awesome way to start the conversation. It's good for grown-ups, too!
I don't think we can be reminded too often that the sum of our life is simply all of our daily choices added up. Our choices are important!
Dear God, Thank you for the idea of becoming the-best-version-of-ourselves. We know what you want from us, but it is not always easy to put it into words or understand what it is supposed to look like. Thank you for grandmas and people who want the very best for us and our children, and who know how to love them well. Thank you for children and so many chances to make the best choice. I love you. Amen.
My stepmom (Grandma Meg) just bought this book for my boys and excitedly read it to them a couple of nights in a row at bedtime. The source of this quote and this idea are already making a huge impact in my family's life. It is entitled Why am I Here? - a story about becoming the-best-version-of-yourself! by Matthew Kelly.
Yesterday, on the way home from school, one of my son's friends fell off of his bike. His elbow was all bloody and he kept holding one of his shoulders. My boys jumped into action! One of them ran home (unbeknownst to me) and came back with a Band-Aid. My other son walked his friend's bike to his mom. When we got home, my oldest son said, "I need to call Grandma Meg!!" "Why?", I asked. He said, "I need to tell her about being the-best-version-of-myself!!! She told me to call her when that happens!" So, he called and I think his Grandma has had few prouder moments. He got it!
He was so thrilled at having been the-best-version-of-himself that he wanted to find more things to do. He made a card for his friend and we rode bikes over to his house to hand-deliver it. His friend wasn't home, so he just left it at the front door, but he was beaming! He was so proud of himself and I know he is eager to repeat the experience of being the-best-version-of-himself and the wonderful feelings that go with it.
If you have children and want them to become the best-version-of-themselves, this book is an awesome way to communicate what that looks like, and they can grasp it!! It is an awesome way to start the conversation. It's good for grown-ups, too!
I don't think we can be reminded too often that the sum of our life is simply all of our daily choices added up. Our choices are important!
Dear God, Thank you for the idea of becoming the-best-version-of-ourselves. We know what you want from us, but it is not always easy to put it into words or understand what it is supposed to look like. Thank you for grandmas and people who want the very best for us and our children, and who know how to love them well. Thank you for children and so many chances to make the best choice. I love you. Amen.
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