Darce Day

This is my favorite thing I’ve written to date.  I am a hospice chaplain.  To me, this story, this woman, our relationship, and traveling the past year with her on her journey has become the picture of everything I could hope for as a hospice chaplain. 

Yes, we can accompany people for a little or a long while, do death and moments of crisis, Scripture, music, and prayer. But, entering into the life of another for weeks turned into months, finding yourself there, adding unexpected joy, and giving and receiving an opportunity to reflect on a very hidden and private 90-year-old life has changed me.  Darce has given me permission to share it with you.  I hope you like it, too.

(A video of me reading Darce’s story to her, here…https://youtu.be/jx5tukDPZuE)

“Darce Day”

Once upon a time, there was a woman who had 90-year-old eyes and 90-year-old teeth.  

On days when she is feeling blue, her daughter cheers her up by saying, “At least you have your own teeth!”

 She passes the days reflecting on all that has been – Amazed that one who so loved golf and gardening, sailing and cooking and tennis, could be so content – looking at the sky and an occasional bird, but not really being able to see either one.

 “Have you ever thought about what it’s like to talk to someone without being able to see them?” she asks.

 

No, I guess I haven’t.  And I’m afraid to experiment in my next conversation, imagining the other person will be unable to listen at all because they can’t stop wondering why my eyes are closed.  So, I imagine it for the rest of the day, and conclude that it would be very different, indeed.

This is the story of Doris Marie Johnson.  Only she didn’t like the name Doris.  So, she changed it.  When she was seven years old.  And no one noticed.  It might have been around the same time she realized she was not “a goddamn little bastard, but a Daughter of the King!”

Whenever it was, after that, she knew she had the power to change things.  Like an “i” to an “e” in Maree.  And that Johnson could be left off altogether.  

Darce was sitting in her favorite spot, communing with God, when she had a new visitor one day.  Well, she had a lot of new visitors, but the visitor I’m talking about is me.

In that first visit, we looked at little paper bags with her artwork on them – made each day for her precious daughter to tote her lunch to school.  Even the doctor’s daughter recognized their preciousness and wanted to buy them.  But, they weren’t for sale.

Not exactly sure what, but something magical happened between lunch sacks, and whatever was said before or after looking at them.  

It was decided that only weekly visits would do, even though monthly visits from this hospice chaplain was the normal order of things.

And Friday would be the best, because Darce’s daughter had to do this thing called work.

So, Fridays at lunchtime became the high point of Darce’s week.  And Heidi’s, too.

———

Oh, my name is Heidi.  I never changed my name, but I did add an “e” to the end of my middle name for a while.  I thought Ann looked better and more sophisticated that way.  I was probably trying to be like Darce even though I hadn’t met her, yet.  

Subway turned into Taco Bell, and how can tacos taste so good EVERY.SINGLE.WEEK?!

 But, they do.

 I think it has something to do with the way I put the sauce on while she holds the taco open.  And the way all of the stuff falls out and we pick up the pieces with our fingers, and shove them into our mouths afterwards.

The large drinks were always too big and heavy, so I poured them in a smaller glass for her.  But, the smaller glass is getting too heavy, too.  

The days are getting longer for Darce.  Getting into bed at night requires heroic effort and has become a task to dread.  Fortunately, her daughter doesn’t mind lifting her tired legs up and in, and her big panda is waiting there for her when the work is done.  Like receiving prize money at the end of a marathon.

The panda helps her tell time, too.  When you’re tired and taking a lot of naps, it is easy to forget if it is daytime or nighttime.

 Well, the panda knows.  If it is daytime, he sits up on a pretty bed, with the covers all nice and neat.  

When it’s night, he lays down and waits for you.  Mr. Knightly, the cat waits on your pillow, too.

——

When every part of your body is 90-years-old, it is easy to feel like your parts are falling apart, if they haven’t fallen off completely. 

But, you know something?

You can always feel good on Fridays. 

When your daughter wakes you up and says, “It’s Heidi Day!”, you feel better.  

When you wake yourself up, and you remember it is “Darce Day!”, you feel better, too.   

When you’re 90-years-old, you can forget it is 100 degrees outside and summertime, because you never leave the house, but you know more important stuff, like what it means to be really alive.

It turns out, it is the simplest recipe around.  Only takes three ingredients.

1.     Discovering new things.

2.     Contributing.

3.     Connecting.

Learning this from Darce over a year after meeting her for that very first time, I’m beginning to understand the magic that is us.  Not that I really need to, but we find ourselves trying to explain it and come up short.  (I guess we always will.)

We enjoy this sweetest-of-dishes every Friday along with the pecan toffee bits we savor for dessert, if we haven’t already eaten them all.  We like how they get stuck in our teeth, so we can enjoy them longer.

When Darce looks at me, she says, “You are who I used to be – DOING. BEING. ALIVE.”  She seems to admire me in a way she was unable to admire herself.  I doubt she ever asked herself, “Do you know how special you are?”

When I look at Darce, I see who I hope to be, 50 years from now.

Darce greets me with an eagerness only akin to those who love me for my own sake.  She even remains interested in me, long after I take my seat.  She asks great questions and laughs in all of the right places.  She’s a great listener and thinks I’m a great listener, too.  And we laugh at how much people talk and talk and talk, and at what they can’t hear us saying. 

Maybe we got the same superpower when we were 16 – when her Mom died and mine stopped walking.  Maybe something is born in you when you become a teenage mother for your own Mom.  Maybe that is why she “walks around more in the world of other people than in her own world,” and why I do, too.

We wonder aloud what dying will be like.  She is even fascinated by it, when she is not too tired to hold it away from herself to give it a good look.  She thinks she is closer to knowing for sure, and I think she is right.  But, she remains unafraid and in moments, would “welcome it, even.”

I imagine my Fridays without her.  It makes my eyes sting and my throat lumpy.  I imagine eating tacos by myself and wondering why TGIF doesn’t resonate the way it used to.

I imagine writing a story to tell the tale of Darce and Heidi Day, and a desperation to share it with her.

So, I stop imagining and I start writing.  Because there’s still time.

I wrote the first page in the Taco Bell parking lot and read it to her yesterday.  I asked for her input, but she wanted it to be all mine, so I’m finishing it this morning in my favorite spot.  As we tried to remember the name of Paul Harvey at our last vist, I told her I would read her the “rest of the story” next Friday.  

I hope she likes it.

 

Twenty Years Later

Twenty years ago, on March 20, 1994, I awoke to a knock on the door early in the morning.  My Mom's brother and best friend were standing there.  They told me my Mom had been in a car accident, and flown to a bigger city for the "right kind of doctor", and something about a hurt back.  I remember thinking that she probably wouldn't be able to lift anything heavy for awhile, but not much beyond that.  When we drove to see her later that day, I found her all puffy lying in a bed with a metal halo attached to her skull, abrasions on her arms, in a room that smelled like blood and medicine, I guess.  Oddly enough, I don't remember anything about her left wrist which was completely shattered.  Worst fracture the orthopedist has seen in 10 years, as I recall.  I remember asking about how she got this mark, or that mark, and when she answered that she didn't know, she sounded like a robot and said something like "I'll be fine." 

Unlike my older sister, I don't remember being told that she'd never walk again.  Maybe that happened during the following week when I was gone on my high school spring break choir trip to Disneyworld.  I didn't want to go, but everyone felt it was best.  Mom was going to live, and beyond that, there wasn't anything I could offer by staying.  So, I went. 

For the following three months, Mom lived in the rehabilitation hospital, re-learning how to eat, brush teeth, bathe, and basically, survive.  This is the same hospital I visited, so she could see me in my junior Prom dress.  The same hospital where we slowly learned what our new life would look like.  Throughout this time, my younger brother and I lived with our aunt and uncle.  We were 16 and 14.

My mother became a quadriplegic on that fateful night, 20 years ago.  She broke her neck and left wrist.  She was 43-years-old.  It has been a long, long road.  Lots of things come with a lack of mobility.  Bed sores, incontinence, pneumonia, blood clots, digestive issues, chronic pain, total lack of privacy and self-sufficiency, and all manner of emotional and psychological adjustments besides. 

But, none of these are why I'm writing today.  Today, I am thankful for what I have gained from walking with my Mom through part of her journey.  Through it all, I was only her right-hand lady for  about four years, and a back-up beyond that.  But, I learned a lot in 4 years.  I wish that I could say that I served her well.  But, I was often bitter and unkind.  However, twenty years later, my experiences with her are still positively impacting the decisions I make. 

On Monday, I am going to embark on a new chapter in my life - pursuing hospital chaplaincy.  This begins with a 10-week internship at a local hospital, and will follow with a Master's degree in Pastoral Theology.  I could not feel more suited or more excited.  Because of my mother's accident, I took the course to become an Emergency Medical Technician during my Senior year of high school.  From there, I worked in our county's EMS service and emergency room through college and beyond.  I loved the people, I loved the work, and I loved the environment. 

As my youngest starts kindergarten next year, it is time for me to expand my stay-at-home-mom gig.  As Providence would have it, all of my personal experience, work experience, and passion about the spiritual life are coming together as a new vocation.  I am going to be a hospital chaplain. 

I'm with my Mom and all fellow Christians when I repeat Romans 8:28 from the bottom of my heart,

We know that all things work for good for those who love God - who are called according to his purpose.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for my Mom.  Thank you for preserving her life.  Thank you for her perseverance, her forgiveness, and her continual effort to grow closer to You.  Thank you for my aunt and uncle who absorbed us into their lives, as if it was the easiest thing in the world.  Please give me the grace to imitate them, when others look to me for something they should be receiving from someone else.  Thank you for my co-workers through my EMS years, and for their model of Christianity in the workforce.  Thank you for all of the opportunities You have afforded me because of another's misfortune.  Thank you for all of the things that seem easy, because of going through something really hard.  Please purify all of the good that I do poorly today, and all of the days of my life.  Please bless my pursuit to become a hospital chaplain, if that is in fact Your Will for me.  If not, please take away my desire and replace it with Yours.  Amen       

Day Of Reflection, Revisited

This is officially the longest amount of time I've gone between posts in almost two years.  I thought maybe my time as a "blogger" had expired.  The inspirations stopped coming.  However, a friend asked me for my notes from a Day of Reflection that our Regnum Christi group hosted on January 18th.  She spent the whole time in the kitchen, so she and (those working with her) fed others, but didn't get spiritually fed themselves.  So, this is for them, for you, and a beautiful red-headed lady whose smile spans the miles between here and the Netherlands.

I apologize in advance, if my notes seem disjointed.  I take them for myself, so I only write down things I haven't heard before, or things that resonate.  However, there are enough single thoughts contained here to make it worth your while.

Day Of Reflection Notes, January 18, 2014

Fr. Michael Sullivan, L.C.:  Heart to Heart With Jesus and His Emotions, Attractions (desires), and Difficulties:

*According to St. Thomas Aquinas, everything Jesus said, did, and suffered was for our instruction.
Christ's words instruct, change, and purify us.

*LOVE or get freed up to love - this is business of life.

*We carry two things in our hands when we go to Heaven:                                                          
1.  What we've done for God. 
2.  What we've done for others.

*There are three stages in the spiritual life:
1.  Self-denial
2.  Growth in virtue
3.  Union with God

*Addiction - any repeated behavior based on craving with more cost than benefit.

*A bird on a branch can't fly whether tethered by floss or a heavy chain.

*Ask yourself, "What if God likes me?"  It changes everything.  When you are all-powerful, you make stuff you like!

*The Our Father prayer tells us everything we're supposed to want, and in the order we're supposed to want it.  It can be summed up in the Scripture, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you besides."  Ultimately, we are to love God for His own sake, and our neighbor for God's sake. 

*Faith and Hope are God's gifts to me.  Love is my return to God.  Love is the only thing that remains in Heaven. 

*How we react to difficulties in life is WAY MORE important than what we're reacting to!

*Christ's Difficulties - His Agony in the Garden:  After He sweat blood, Jesus neither sat, slept, was understood, nor consoled for 14 hours.

*Fear - We experience fear when we perceive future evil that we cannot overcome.  The opposite of fear is courage.  Read John 15 when you are afraid.

*Neurosis - Being afraid, but not knowing what of.

*We can understand ourselves and others better, if we take time to learn what we/they are avoiding.

*St. Thomas Aquinas says Matthew, Mark, and Luke tell us what Jesus did.  John tells us why.

*Sadness - resting in the presence of evil.  Read John 14 when you are sad.

*Joy - resting in the presence of good.

*Love is always the beginning of hate.

Fr. Timothy Mulcahey, L.C.:

*To evangelize - follow the Holy Spirit's lead.  God will put opportunities to serve in your path; just say "Yes".

*God is calling us to do something.  Something fueled by charity.  For love of God and neighbor.  Other motives are vanity, pride, duty, guilt.  These are not good motives.

*Matthew 25

*If I work on loving my brother and sister, my love for Christ increases.

*Goal of Apostolate (Works for God):
1.  Salvation of souls
2.  Affect the whole temporal order toward the Gospel.  Help renew society.
3. Walk on two legs:  prayer and work

*Read Forming Intentional Disciples by Weddell:
1.  Personal encounter with the saving love of Jesus Christ - "What kind of love wouldn't need to speak of the beloved?"
2.  We need to recognize the spiritual favor of being "a people".  We're all in this together.
3.  Cultivate a passion for Jesus and a passion for people.

*I am a "mission" in this world, and that is why I'm here.  ~Pope Francis

*Christ triumphed.  Let Him lead the way.  When evangelizers rise from prayer, they are more open to the inspirations of the Holy Spirit.

Mary Mann, actress - Putting Our Heart Near Jesus' Sacred Heart

*Psalm 106:14-15, empty heart

*Proverbs 3:5-6

*Do what you do best and leave the consequences to God.

Questions for personal reflection:
1.  What would be different about your life if you choose to meet the expectations of God, and how would you know what God expects?
2.  Have you identified your gifts and talents?  How would they make a difference?  How are you using them for Christ?  (If you would like to see a list of possible gifts, visit my post at http://asoulaidbare.blogspot.com/2012/05/unwrapping-your-spiritual-gifts.html).
3.  If your intention is for the salvation of souls - How are you accomplishing that?
4.  In what way would you like to reflect the heart of God (His love)?

Fr. Nathaniel Haslam, L.C.:

*Do you share Jesus with those you meet?

*Three Reasons Why We Were Baptised:
1.  To be restored, because we were broken.
2.  To be elevated.  We have a dignity that pales all other beauty.
3.  To receive a missionary heart.

*Evangelium=Gospel=Earth-shattering news.  Read Evangelium Gaudium, Pope Francis.

*We come and go.  We can be on a box of Wheaties today, and forgotten completely tomorrow.

*Being a missionary is not an obligation or imposition - it is love; sharing the beloved and fruits of the relationship with Him.  A missionary heart does not retreat into its own comfort.  Other's hearts are being prepared to meet ME because I have Jesus to share with them.

*Tomb psychology transforms Christians into mummies in a museum - Get out of your comfort zone!
We'll only know who we've helped in eternity.

Dear Heavenly Father,  Thank you for warm houses on cold days.  Thank you for days of reflection, and the ability to enter into Your Presence at any moment.  Thank you for all of the people who feed us spiritually - who make the invisible, visible.  Forgive us for our shortcomings, and all of the obstacles we place in Your Way, Truth, and Life.  Please give us the grace to hear, understand, and respond to You.  Let us experience Your Love, and carry it to others.  Thank you for preparing hearts to meet ME, because they want to meet YOU.  Make us love you more and more.  Amen.

Because I Love God, I Love His Will Above All Else

Today's post is a summary of last Friday's Morning of Reflection, hosted by the women of Regnum Christi, for all women.  Members of Regnum Christi hold eight core convictions.  The topic, "Because I love God, I love His will above all else" is one of them.  I will do my best to weave the thread through my notes, so that you may reap the benefit of the content. 

Our first speaker was consecrated woman, Almudena F. Blanco.  She shared her personal challenges in responding to the Lord's call to the consecrated life.  She highlighted the need for courage, patience, and the ability to swim in the unknown...

Think of all the things we do to show our spouse that we love them.  Watch football even though we're not interested?  Make what they like to eat even though we don't like it?  The list goes on.

I love God's will because He loves me...

Ask yourself, "How much does God love me?  How does God love me?"  Stay here.  Don't rush.  God loves us in an infinite number of ways.  It takes time to ponder them...

"If you love me, show me..."  How many times do we say this?  But, how can we respond when God challenges us this way?

We can start by keeping the Ten Commandments.  The basics.  By not offending God.
Absence of sin is actually no more than the indispensable condition for the life of grace...It would be a tasteless insult to think that to love someone means only to abstain from offending him.

Live the question, "Is this pleasing to God?"  Choose the greatest good.  God's will is about the daily surrender; not just the big things.  We have to trust those we love.  God included.

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, the son whom he thought would never come.  Abraham was willing to do it because he trusted his God completely.  He withheld nothing.

We have to be careful to resist the temptation to demand a prompt answer, when we finally muster the courage to ask God what He wants from us.  We might lose our courage or feel faint at the thought of cultivating patience, but me must wait on Him as long as He deems it necessary.  Avoid "Answer me, now!" as much as possible.

In the unknown, we are like swimmers in the open water with no sense of where or how far away the land is.  All we can do is keep afloat.  Try not to drown.  God says, "Trust me."  By keeping afloat, we are building spiritual muscle.  We may think we are ready for a prompt answer, but God knows best.  We often need more time to prepare ourselves to do His work.

God is painting the picture of our lives.  Sometimes, He uses colors that we don't like.  "Not black!  Anything but black!"  And we try to dodge the paintbrush.  But, of course, we lack the perspective of the final work.  We're too close to it.  We need to trust The Artist.

Can we join Pope Clement XI in his prayer to God when he says...

I want whatever you want,
because you want it,
the way you want it,
as long as you want it.

Personal Reflection
1.  What has been my last experience of the love of God in my life?
2.  How am I able to recognize God's will in my life?  How does it manifest concretely?
3.  How can I be more sensitive and open to God's will?
4.  What are the main obstacles to following God's will in my life?

Our second speaker was Fr. Michael Sullivan, L.C..  He shared many stories, some from his life and some from others.  I am not re-telling those stories, but simply providing an overview of the main points those stories made.  The stories themselves are too funny or magnificent to be watered down here.

His points (more or less) were as follows:

God's will is better than you think!

Wisdom is the gift given to those who possess charity, according to St. Thomas Aquinas.  Wisdom is seeing things as God sees them. 

Faith is knowing God, and God's "stuff".
Hope is loving God for my sake.
Charity is doing (loving) God for God's sake.

We reach Charity through Hope.

God does not give you any desire He doesn't want to fill.  When you seek happiness, You seek God's will for you.  St. Thomas More (prior to his execution) said something like, "God's will is always good, no matter how bad it may seem."

Case studies for heroic Hope and Faith:

Ernest Shackleton -attempted to cross the Antarctic continent in 1914 and subsequently struggled for survival with his twenty-eight man crew for almost two years, as detailed in Endurance:  Shackleton's Incredible Voyage by Alfred Lansing.

Declan Brown - Died from cancer of the spine, wearing the cassock of a novice at age 14, per his request (after obtaining special dispensation).   As his mother sat at his bedside one day, Declan said to her “Mom I’m a priest.” His mother responded “No Declan, you’re not a priest yet.” Declan insisted, “Mom I’m a priest.” She replied again “No Declan, you’re not a priest. You’ve just received the uniform to begin your training for becoming a priest.” Declan explained “Mom, Christ was a priestly victim when he was suffering on the cross. I’m suffering with Christ on the cross now, so I am a priest.” (Excerpt from Thanksgiving in a Whole New Way by Fr. Michael Patrick Moriarty)

Sinners' sufferings are sterile, useless, and vain.  Saints' sufferings are fruitful and eternal.

Something can be hoped for when it is:
1.  Good
2.  Difficult
3.  In the future
4.  Possible

We travel through hope to faith to love.  The opposite of hope is despair.

The height of immaturity is "The world revolves around me."  The height of maturity is empathy.

When we are faced with those whom we find most difficult to love, imagine them as a child in Mary's lap.  Pray for that kind of love.

In Marriage and Holy Orders, if holiness is gained, it is through service to others.

It all boils down to "Be not afraid, because I will be with you."

Personal Reflection:
1.  What has God done in my life?
2.  What have I ever given to God and regretted it?!

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for mornings of reflection.  Thank you for the priests, consecrated women, and all of the lay people of Regnum Christi who sacrifice personally to make them happen.  Thank you for the people whose stories encourage and strengthen us long after they've gone to join You.  Please bless all who made the effort to attend, those who wanted to but couldn't, and those who know nothing of the sort.  Please increase our hope, so that one day, we may pass from loving You for our sake to loving You for Your sake.  Please forgive us for our impatience and all of the other obstacles we place in Your way.  Increase our faith.  Help us to love Your will above all else, because we love You.  Please give us the grace to want whatever you want, because you want it, the way you want it, as long as you want it.  Amen.

A Golden Calf named "Certainty"

 I just got home from my Holy hour and am too excited to sleep about the epiphany I had when I was there. 

I worship a golden calf named "Certainty".   

I am willing (and greatly desire) to sacrifice my freedom to know that I am doing God's will.  I beg God all the time, "Just make Your Will known to me, and I will do it."  I'll accept anything from God except not knowing what He wants from me.

However, now that the hook I've been hanging all of my certainty and plans on for the past two years has been removed, I'm becoming a little more open-minded.  The hook removal (not being accepted into the Spiritual Direction program) was also a good lesson in humility and detachment.  Leaning too hard on anything, if it is not God Himself, is dangerous.  Even if it is something good.  Even if it is something you think He wants. 

I've read several things over time that all came together tonight.  Like when you pass the tipping point in Solitaire.

The progression went something like this...

"Does the way seem a stony one?  Not one stone can impede your progress.  Face the future, but face it only with a brave and happy heart.  Do not seek to see it.  You are robbing Faith of her sublime sweetness if you do this."  ~God Calling   

"And Christ still sends me roses.  We try to be formed and held and kept by him, but instead he offers us freedom.  And now when I try to know his will, his kindness floods me, his great love overwhelms me, and I hear him whisper, Surprise me. ~Mariette in Ecstasy, Ron Hansen

"Can we surprise God?  Probably not in some ultimate metaphysical sense; God knows all in his dwelling place in eternity.  But in our daily relationship with Jesus, I wouldn't dismiss the idea out of hand.  We crave certainty; "instead he offers us freedom."  This opens the door to surprise.  Even if we don't surprise God, we can surprise ourselves."  a simple life-changing prayer - Discovering the Power of St. Ignatius Loyola's Examen, Jim Manney

It makes sense that we crave certainty because we recognize how important doing the will of God is in the life of a Christian.  It is paramount.

"The only thing that really matters in life is doing the will of God.  Once you are doing the will of God, then everything matters.  But apart from the accepted will of God, nothing has any lasting reality.  So, If God wills that you should be bowed over the sink instead of over the pew in your favorite church, then washing the dishes is for you, now, the most perfect thing you can possibly do."
Holiness for Housewives (and other working women), Don Hubert Van Zeller

So, my freedom isn't the curse that is often feels like...Should I do this or that?  Work or stay home?  Write or not? 

There is not a pencil thin line drawn through my life that is "God's will".  It is not something that I should fear missing or messing up.  It is not something I need to lean forward to catch a glimpse of, or strain my eyes to see.  I am robbing Faith when I do that.

"God made the angels to show Him splendor - as He made animals for innocence and plants for their simplicity.  But man He made to serve Him wittingly, in the tangle of his mind."
~A Man of All Seasons, Thomas More

My freedom is God's gift to me, and He does not intend to exchange it for certainty.  About anything.  This makes sense, because now I know that certainty is its own god.  And my God will not put up with that.

Dear Awesome and Gentle God,

How could anyone but You make me feel good about the realization that I'm violating one of Your ten commandments?!  How can an all-powerful God nudge so gently?  I have been worshipping a false god, and I didn't even know it.  Thank you for nights like tonight when the stuff of years aligns itself.  Thank you for friendships which help me to know You, myself, and others better.  Please forgive my attachment to all that is not You.  Please give me the grace of Your Presence, rather than knowledge of Your plan.  I'm sorry I've been trying to take something You never intended to give, and robbed Faith of her sweetness.  I love the idea of trying to surprise You.  I think I'll try it.  I love You.  Please make me love You more and more.  Amen.

A Concussion and an "F" for Trust

Happy Father's Day to you and yours!  It's been a good one for us.  Sleeping in, Mass, and eating out make for a pretty great day.  I also emailed my Dad the links to my posts where I wrote about him (A "Rough" Life - A Tribute to my Grandma, Uncle, and my Dad).  He doesn't do blogs, but it occurred to me that he might better understand how much I love and respect him if he could read what I had written.  He was deeply moved, printed it off, and put it in his Bible.  Happy Fathers Day, Dad.

Two weeks ago today, my husband (and the father of my children) got a concussion when he and his skateboard parted ways.  I was at the swimming pool (roughly 100 yards away) when it happened.  My oldest son came and told me "Dad has a concussion, but he's fine.  He's up and walking around".  I clambered out of the pool to go see what in the world was going on.

As I was gathering our stuff, my husband walked into the pool, saying he thinks he has a concussion, was seeing stars, and half of his vision was blurry.  He wasn't really sure what happened or if he lost consciousness, so I sat him down on the pool steps and went to investigate.  What I found was a pool of blood in the bottom of the skate bowl.  At the time, I couldn't find any witnesses, so I assumed he was knocked out because he laid there long enough to make a puddle of blood (from his elbow) the size of my footprints.

I did my best to wash the blood away and we loaded up to go home.  He had virtually no memory of the day and began to ask a series of questions, which went something like this..."What happened?  Was I awesome?  Did anyone see?   Was I unconscious?  What happened?  Was I awesome?  Did anyone see?   Was I unconscious? What happened?  Was I awesome?  Did anyone see?   Was I unconscious? What happened?  Was I awesome?  Did anyone see?   Was I unconscious?..." 

You get the idea.  I worked for an ambulance service for 6 years, so I knew he had a concussion at least, and was worried he might have bleeding in his brain.  I waited for a couple of hours to see if his symptoms (repetitive questioning and memory loss) would improve, but they persisted. 

To make a long story short, we ended up in the ER.  He had a CAT scan which showed no bleeding on his brain and he got three stitches in his elbow.  He took the following day off of work for "brain rest".  Aside from a sore neck and elbow, and a little light sensitivity, he was back to good. 

But, then I wasn't so good.  The more I thought about what happened, the more I had my own series of thoughts that went something like this...

"It freaks me out that my husband was lying unconscious (or something close to it) 100 yards away from me and I didn't have any idea.  I guess I always thought that if something happened to him I would somehow know.  A gut check or something.  Nope.  Nothin'.  What if it was worse?  What if his brain had bled, and he had a stroke or an aneurysm?  What if he had broken his neck?  If he died, financially we would be able to make it, but if he's disabled and it didn't happen at work, we'd have nothing.  I am totally dependent on him and his good health.  This vulnerability feels like crap. Should I get a full-time job?..."

This went on for about two days.  I was pulling back emotionally and he knew it.  He was telling me not to dwell on what could of happened, and that I couldn't love him any less because of some dumb accident.  But, I was trying to.  I don't want to be physically, emotionally, psychologically, and financially dependent on someone who could check out at any minute!  I told him he was a liability, and he was quick to let me know that I was one, too.  Then, he said something to the effect of, that's what happens when you get married...

Hmmm....

Good point.  He would be in as much of a fix if something happened to me, as I would be if something happened to him.  Not for a paycheck, but for someone to run the household and take care of the kiddos, and all of the other things wives do. 

After this conversation, and by God's grace, I started to realize that the only problem I had was a trust problem.  In the unusual circumstance of seeing my husband incapacitated, I withdrew my trust from God, and put it in myself.  Only, I quickly realized how drastically short I came from being able to provide the solution that I was trusting myself for.  If this whole scenario was a test for my trust in God, I'd have a Big 'ol "F" over here...

As Providence would have it, one of the Mass readings during this time was from Tobit 2:9-14.  In the story, Tobit became blind for four years after some birds pooped on his eyes.  (I'm not making this up!)  Eventually, his wife weaved cloth and provided for the family, and life went on...

Duh. 

God has provided for me for 35 years.  Some of those years, he provided for me through my parents.  Others, I provided for myself.  For the last 10 years, my husband has provided for me and our family.  If something were to happen to him (God forbid!), God would continue to provide for me.  Yes, it would look different.  Very, very different.  But, I would have what I need.  Just like I always have.

It is a paradox to be sure, but our security is our vulnerability.  It doesn't matter if I like it.  It's just the way it is.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are not you more important than they?  Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?   Matthew 6:25-27

Dear Heavenly Father, Happy Father's Day!!!  Thank you for being The Father of fathers, King of kings, and Lord of lords!  Thank you for fathers who help us believe in You and Your love for us.  Thank you for my husband and the way my kids will emulate him even before they recognize his greatness.  Thank you for his health and the big lesson in humility and trust, when it was compromised, even for a short time.  Please bless him with good health and a long life. 

Lord, please draw near to those who don't know what a good father is.  Make Yourself known to them!  Please grant the grace of forgiveness to those who need it. 

Abba, I love You.  Thank You for loving us first!  Make us love You more and more.  Amen.

One Cruel Mark At A Time

The following applies to us any time God is at work in our life, but we don't have a clue what He's up to.  All we know is that it hurts.  Here is another view, from a distance:

It is true that a canvas simply and blindly given up to the work of the pencil only feels its movement at each moment.  Each blow of the hammer on the chisel can only produce one cruel mark at a time, and the stone struck by repeated blows cannot know, nor see the form produced by them.  It only feels that it is being diminished, filed, cut, and altered by the chisel.  And a stone that is destined to become a crucifix or a statue without knowing it, if it were asked, "What is happening to you?" would reply if it could speak, "Do not ask me, I only know one thing, and that is, to remain immovable in the hands of my master, to love him, and to endure all that he inflicts upon me.  As for the end for which I am destined, it is his business to understand how it is to be accomplished; I am as ignorant of what he is doing as of what I am destined to become; all I know is that his work is the best, and the most perfect that could be, and I receive each blow of the chisel as the most excellent thing that could happen to me, although, truth to tell, each blow, in my opinion, causes the idea of ruin, destruction, and disfigurement.  But that is not my affair; content with the present moment, I think of nothing but my duty, and I endure the work of this clever master without knowing, or occupying myself about it.

Yes!  give to God what belongs to Him, and remain lovingly passive in his hands.  Hold for certain that what takes place either exteriorly or interiorly is best for you."

~Abandonment to Divine Providence by Jean Pierre de Caussade

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for Fr. Jean Pierre de Caussade and his writings.  Thank you for this one, in particular.  Please help us to remain lovingly passive in Your hands, and endure Your work, in whatever form it may present itself, with peace.  Please purify our self-love, which always demands to know what is going on, and help us rest in our ignorance of Your divine plan.  Amen.

The Stuff of Life

A lot of things have been rolling around in my head lately.  I planned to post something on Friday, but after learning of the tragedy in Newtown, CT, nothing seemed important anymore.  The dead and their families are looming large in my mind, and yet, I shush my own children to watch the news... 

However, as we celebrate this third Sunday of Advent, we are called to be a people of joy.  A people of hope.  A living people.  A people who believe that God can and will redeem all things.  I will continue to pray for those who died and their families who are left behind.  I will also continue to live as a person who believes that Jesus is near, and live my life accordingly.

At the risk of seeming imprudent, I am going to go ahead with what I was going to write on Friday.  Mostly, because I have the time and I would like to clear my head.  None of it really matters, in the face of this or any tragedy, but it is still the stuff of life~


Before Friday, I was reveling in a small victory.  I showed up empty-handed to a cookie exchange.

So?! 

It was a victory because I spent a good part of the day making, rolling out, and cutting sugar cookies, so I could participate and feel good about the effort I had made to do so.  However, I only had 30 minutes after dinner to decorate 6 dozen cookies and three boys (7 and under) on my decorating team.  Snowman heads were falling off, stars were breaking, and the icing knives were being licked in between jobs.  I was starting to lose my cool (rapidly!) and knew something had to give.  After a brief inspiration from the Holy Spirit, I decided that allowing my kids to enjoy the cookie decorating was way more important than showing up somewhere else with a plate of pretty cookies, so I left them at home.  What my vanity suffered was more than made up for by my children's joy.  I'm just sorry I robbed them of it in the first place.

Prior to that, I have been musing on the irony of Christmas.  I was given a little Christmas money with the stipulation that I had to spend it on myself.  Combine that with the "What do you want for Christmas?" question, and I am suddenly more self-centered than I've been all year!  How do you like that for timing?!  Goodness!  God bless my three-year-old who got to join in on the adventure of deciding what I wanted and then trying to find it!

My first thought was that I would spend my money on some of those tall boots that everyone is wearing these days, since I'm usually struck by how nice they look when I see them.  However, it hadn't really occurred to me that if you can see someone's very tall boots, they are probably wearing skinny jeans!  This is not a jump I am willing to make.  I'm pretty sure I would feel like a "showcase", drawing way too much attention to myself, and yet, everyone else seems to pull it off just fine.  Do you think we could just reverse the trend to regular jeans and loafers, please?  That way, I wouldn't feel like a frumpy prude and we could all be friends.  :)  Scripture says we are not supposed to worry about what to wear, so I'm leaving my fashion dilemmas here.

On a separate note, I found an old-school book at the St. Vincent de Paul store yesterday:  A Woman In Her Home by Ella May Miller.  There's a lady standing on the front wearing an apron, holding a tray of something delectable for her family to consume.  I feel good about the price - It originally cost $.95 and I got it for a quarter.  These kinds of books make me smile and I usually glean something, besides.  I'm 2/3 of the way through and here is the high point so far, "To be a mother is difficult and dangerous, but no one else can replace her.  Will women never see how important they are?  Their power of doing good and doing harm is beyond measure, and it is done in private where no one can stop them, but themselves." - Dr. John Bowlby, Ladies' Home Journal, November 1958

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for the gift of life.  Please comfort those who are left behind with empty arms and unanswered questions.  Please give them the grace of Your peace.  You and Mary know the pain of watching Your own Son suffer and die, please help them have recourse to You.  Thank you for Advent.  Thank you for giving us a reason for joy and hope.  Thank you for the stuff of life and for Your Presence throughout it all.  Please help us, those who believe in You, be a beacon of light, hope, and peace for those who need it.  Jesus, I trust in You.  Amen.

When It Can't Come From You

Yesterday my oldest son had an opportunity to spend the day with about 40 other boys and a couple of priests, to learn about themselves and their faith, and having a blast doing it.  Sounds nice, right?  Yes, but it is so much more than nice!  If my son wasn't invited to participate in this experience, how else could I create it?  I couldn't.  Where else could he gather the fruit from a day like that?  Nowhere.  I neither have the know-how or desire to be able to pull something like that together.  This is not an experience he could have "made up" in a week or two if he missed this one.

So, why is it so important that he have this experience?  Because right now he is a boy who more easily believes in ghosts and aliens than in God.  Something about reading a few lines about ghosts in a non-fiction book is more convincing to him than the Bible, the Mass, etc...  The more opportunities I create to discuss God and/or godly things, the more resistant he seems to become.  I am learning that it cannot come from me.  Is it because he needs to learn these truths from his father, or another man, or his peers?  Is it because he is the oldest?  His brothers are very open-minded.  Is it because I haven't loved him well enough to trust what I am saying to him?  I don't know the answer, but I know what we need to do.

One of the priests said our children need 3 things to thrive in the spiritual life:
1.  Prayer
2.  Spiritual direction
3.  Retreats (like what he did yesterday)

I bought The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie O'Martian this morning, at the recommendation of my stepmom.  I am going to make sure that I don't fail him on Number 1!  As for the other two, I am going to make sure I keep informed of the opportunities available and take them as they come at www.texasconquest.com.

I was relaying some of this to my sister yesterday, and she said it well, speaking of her own experience, "I love it when other people can do my job."  I'm realizing a little more each day that I can't give them everything they need.  It really does take a village and I am so grateful that I know where the village is!!!   

I realize that I have been using most of my spiritual energy on myself - to get my prayer life in order and to make sure I have my priorities straight.  I pray for each one at the beginning of each day, but I don't pray with them, unless it is before meals or at bedtime.  I have made my prayer time just that, mine.  I am going to start inviting my boys into prayer at times when I have previously just done it on my own...Like praying the Angelus at noon and Divine Mercy chaplet at 3:00. 

I know that my sons are and will be my greatest contribution to this world.  I want to help them believe in God's love and to live in light of it, with the example of my life.

Dear Loving and Gracious Father, Thank you for Sonia, Steve, and the priests who poured themselves out to make yesterday's "Boy Day" happen.  Thank you for their gifts and their love.  Lord, please help me lead my boys to You.  Help me know when to push and when to pull back.  Lord, please prevent me from leading them away from You, always and forever.  Please grant me wisdom, patience, and love.  Please give me Your peace when I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.  Jesus, I trust in You.  Amen.

If Faith Is A Gift From God, Why Don't We All Have It?

This was a question posed to me yesterday by a dear friend who is an agnostic.  We had a running email conversation over the weekend about what she believes (basically the tenets of the Humanist Manifesto) and my thoughts on those beliefs.  She says belief in God is something that "rings true" for you or it doesn't.  If God loves everyone, and we're all equally worthy (which is not at all), why doesn't everyone have the gift of faith?

We discussed that all of humanity can be put into one of four groups:
1.  Motivated to do good.  Believe in God.  (Me)
2.  Motivated to do good.  Do not believe in God. (Her)
3.  Not motivated to do good.  Believe in God.  (Questionable belief, if it doesn't translate into action)
4.  Not motivated to do good.  Do not believe in God.

All in all, our lives look very similar from the outside.  We are both motivated to do good to our neighbor, live mindfully, compassionately, etc...  These are the things that bind us in friendship.  How is it that I have this gift of faith and she does not?  Am I more worthy or deserving than she?  No.  A resounding NO.  Then, what could possibly explain this glaring discrepancy in our lives?

I believe life ceased to be fair when God gave us free will, which is a necessary condition for love.  As soon as He allowed us to make our own choices, other people were necessarily impacted by those choices.  If we are born into a long line of people who have said "No" to God and life in Him, we are going to have to acquire (receive) the gift of faith from somewhere other than the people God intended (our parents).  Is this ideal or does it please God that some people have the gift dropped in their lap and some have to work incredibly hard to find it?  No.  However, He knows that those who labor intensely find the reward much sweeter.  They have a much greater appreciation for it, as they have not had it all along.  Those who have always had it, risk not appreciating it.  They risk being the lukewarm that God spits out of His mouth.  This is the greatest travesty of all - to know He exists, but to be remain indifferent.  (This is why so many people struggle with Christianity - They know we believe in God, but they can't see that it makes any difference in our life).  God can use a life of belief and a life of unbelief equally well and to the same end.  He wants everybody to receive the gift.  He gave His only Son so we could more readily recognize the gift of faith and receive it.   

For me, accepting the gift of faith was simple.  My parents gave it to me.  They beautifully wrapped up this gift for me in their unconditional love, faithful attendance at Mass, and their devotion.  They helped me unwrap it when they presented me for Baptism, First Communion, and Confirmation.  Further, when they paid for me to join millions of other kids to see the Pope and experience the unity of our faith at World Youth Day - in Colorado and France.   They have "bathed" me in grace with their prayers and intercession since I entered this world.  This is the way God intended it.

The upside is that if you weren't born into the faith, or have anyone spoon-feeding you through your youth, or paving the way for you, God can redeem the shortcomings of those who should have done it.  They probably suffered from the same "transmission" problem.  They didn't get it from their parents.  He is calling all of us to Himself, continually.  We have many, many, many chances as long as we remain open to Him and what He speaks into our hearts.

As Jesus promised the thief on the Cross, "This day you will be with Me in paradise", we are promised that as long as we have life within us, it is never to late to say "yes" to Him.  Our life on earth is but a fleeting moment compared with life in eternity.  Ultimately, if we believe in Jesus Christ and His divine Sonship on our last day, how many days you believed before that simply no longer matters.

Dear God, Thank you for the gift of faith.  Thank you for parents who have given it to their children.  Thank you for loving us.  Lord, please bestow many graces on those who did not receive the gift of faith from their parents, as you intended.  Lord, please bless them superabundantly.  Where they were slighted, Lord, let us, the Body of Christ, intercede for them.  Please accept our prayers on their behalf.  Please help us to show them Your love that they may believe in You.  Amen.