Free to be Fearless

I've had a lot of incredible conversations, lately.  Conversations that skip the inanity of what the weather has done or is going to do, what's happening at work, or how the kids are doing in school.  Conversations that happen right inside the door none of us want to open.  Inside the door that fear and shame beg us to leave shut tight and locked up. 

When we are alone, the room behind this door is the coldest, darkest, and loneliest room we will ever inhabit.  It's the room where we sit with all of the lies we believe, chief amongst them being, "I'm not enough." and in some cases, "I'm too much."

These are confusing beliefs if you also believe that you are a child of God and created in His image.  "I am something other than what I should be" doesn't really seem like an idea God would build into His people.  So, did we learn it somewhere?  Where did we learn that? 

Most of us don't have to look far to find potential, probable, or unmistakable places and times these loud-mouthed, lying seeds were planted in very fertile soil.  I don't like to give the devil credit for much, but it seems he got around and didn't bother getting creative with the message.

Regardless of why or how those seeds took root and grew into patterns of thinking and ways of relating, they've become part of us.  We will often do anything in our power to keep people from discovering the truth about the lies we believe, wrestle with, or operate out of.

Since opening up about my struggle with insecurity and fear of abandonment in my marriage, I've had the comfort of hearing a lot of "me toos".  Sometimes, it looks exactly the same, sometimes different.  But, whatever the particulars are, fear and shame are at the root of it. 

Because my conversations keep circling back to the same things, because of the silent and devastating nature of the lies we believe, and because of our ever-increasing inability to get to places of honesty, vulnerability, and understanding, I want to invite you in and ask you to consider who you would like to invite in, as well.

That cold, dark, and lonely room is transformed by an open door, the light in the hall, and the presence of another. 

As a guest in my room, I want you not only to know my fears, but to know what helps me live with and conquer them, too.

I believe God created us to be FREE.  Free to choose thoughts, words, and actions.  

Free to be fearless.  

I believe that God has allowed the circumstances, which have fortified my imperfection.  My imperfection/brokenness/weakness, is no longer something for me to fix, but a springboard to the One who can fix it, if He so chooses.  I finally see my struggle as part of His Will and not something outside of it. 

I have noticed something about the saints.  Their prayers always boil down to the same thing.  They want to love God, love His Will, and quite often, to love suffering. 

So, I'm pretending to be a saint.  I've copied a page out of their prayer book and am praying like they prayed.  Lord, please grant me the grace to love You, Your Will, and to love suffering.  Amen.

I cannot convey how dumbfounded I am by the results. Is it really possible that three simple prayers can transform a life?  I think so... 

I say this tentatively, as I'm only about a month in practice.  I've been tried several times, but only mildly.  I cannot remember the last time I've felt so fearless and free.  If I could actually love suffering, I would no longer fear suffering, which means I could use all of the energy I spend to protect myself from suffering, to love others.  And that sounds heavenly.

For the first time in my life, I am treating my insecurity like the spiritual battle it is.  I am no longer asking for it to be removed or healed, but accept that it might be here to stay.  God's will be done. 

Any time I start down a road I don't want to be on or get stuck in a vortex of negativity, which looks like doubt, fear, suspicion, jealousy, resentfulness, worthlessness, etc... I call on Christ.  I remind myself that feelings of fear and of being bound are contrary to what God desires for me, and it is time to suit up and step forward.  I name what I'm feeling, renounce (refuse to recognize or abide by any longer), rebuke, and reject it in the name of Jesus, and cast it to the foot of the Cross, reclaiming the victory that has already been won over it.  I don't have to do anything, but claim what has already been done.   

In these moments, I see myself as a little girl wrapped around my Father's leg and clinging to it for dear life, pleading not for one more ride around the living room, but for peace and love for all that is good.  I mean, have you ever tried to shake a kid off of your leg that is determined to take one more ride?  It's like that...

And I'm okay with this.  

Running away doesn't work.  Looking back doesn't work.  Introspection doesn't work.  Ignoring it doesn't work.  And looking to your spouse certainly doesn't work.  

Looking up works.  Clinging works.  And once this sinks in...oh, man I hope this is sinking in...it seems like maybe, just maybe, Somebody has been trying to tell me this all along.  

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well.

Matthew 6:33 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  

Matthew 11:28

Love Anticipates

"None ever sought Me in vain.  I wait, wait with a hungry longing to be called upon; and I, who have already seen your hearts' needs before you cried upon Me, before perhaps, you were conscious of those needs yourself, I am already preparing the answer.

It is like a Mother, who is setting aside suitable gifts for her daughter's wedding, before Love even has come into the daughter's life.

The Anticipatory Love of God is a thing mortals seldom realize.  Dwell on this thought.  Dismiss from your minds the thought of a grudging God, who had to be petitioned with sighs and tears and much speaking before reluctantly He loosed the desired treasures.  Man's thoughts of Me need revolutionizing.

Try and see a Mother preparing birthday or Christmas delights for her child - the while her Mother-heart sings:  'Will she not love that?  How she will love this!'  and anticipates the rapture of her child, her own heart full of the tenderest joy.  Where did the Mother learn all this preparation-joy?  From Me - a faint echo of My preparation-joy.

Try to see this as plans unfold of My preparing.  It means much to Me to be understood, and the understanding of Me will bring great joy to you."

~Jesus speaks, in God Calling

We have several birthdays coming up in our house, and I've been thinking about what gifts would bring my children the greatest happiness.  So, this resonates with me.  I am planning great things for my children that they know nothing about.  Because I love them, I delight in coming up with ways to make them happy.  And Jesus says here, that my "preparation-joy" is a faint echo of His own.  Can you imagine?!! 

I feel like a child at Christmastime - Imagining all of the wonderful plans God must have for me!  Not only because I know the joy of preparing gifts for my loved ones, but because I have also received them.  In fact, I just received one of His well-prepared gifts this Saturday.  My Regnum Christi group hosted a "Women's Day of Reflection".  I volunteered to sing and was asked to conclude the program with an overview of the day.  So, I did.  And, that a gift from God! 

As you already know, one of my passions is to collect quotes and ideas that inspire me, and share them.  Normally, this blog is one of my few means to do that.  So, an opportunity to do it in a room full of women, face-to-face, was a great joy!  Most often, I love God by indirect means.  By loving and serving others.  But, on Saturday, I got to sing and speak for Him and about Him, directly.  I was able to use my God-given gifts and give them back to Him.  And, now, after reading about God's Anticipatory Love, I know that that was a gift He prepared for me.

Dear Heavenly Father,  Thank you for preparing beautiful things and opportunities for those You love!!!  Thank you for continually revealing Yourself to us, through those who will listen to You.  I'm sorry for all of the times I've considered times of great joy as something coincidental or unintended by You.  I'm sorry for underestimating Your Love.  I'm sorry for thinking of You as the judge who finally grants the widow's wishes, but only because of her persistence.  I am in awe of Your Love.  Thank you for reminding me that I cannot carry my confidence in You too far.  I love you!  Amen.   

If Faith Is A Gift From God, Why Don't We All Have It?

This was a question posed to me yesterday by a dear friend who is an agnostic.  We had a running email conversation over the weekend about what she believes (basically the tenets of the Humanist Manifesto) and my thoughts on those beliefs.  She says belief in God is something that "rings true" for you or it doesn't.  If God loves everyone, and we're all equally worthy (which is not at all), why doesn't everyone have the gift of faith?

We discussed that all of humanity can be put into one of four groups:
1.  Motivated to do good.  Believe in God.  (Me)
2.  Motivated to do good.  Do not believe in God. (Her)
3.  Not motivated to do good.  Believe in God.  (Questionable belief, if it doesn't translate into action)
4.  Not motivated to do good.  Do not believe in God.

All in all, our lives look very similar from the outside.  We are both motivated to do good to our neighbor, live mindfully, compassionately, etc...  These are the things that bind us in friendship.  How is it that I have this gift of faith and she does not?  Am I more worthy or deserving than she?  No.  A resounding NO.  Then, what could possibly explain this glaring discrepancy in our lives?

I believe life ceased to be fair when God gave us free will, which is a necessary condition for love.  As soon as He allowed us to make our own choices, other people were necessarily impacted by those choices.  If we are born into a long line of people who have said "No" to God and life in Him, we are going to have to acquire (receive) the gift of faith from somewhere other than the people God intended (our parents).  Is this ideal or does it please God that some people have the gift dropped in their lap and some have to work incredibly hard to find it?  No.  However, He knows that those who labor intensely find the reward much sweeter.  They have a much greater appreciation for it, as they have not had it all along.  Those who have always had it, risk not appreciating it.  They risk being the lukewarm that God spits out of His mouth.  This is the greatest travesty of all - to know He exists, but to be remain indifferent.  (This is why so many people struggle with Christianity - They know we believe in God, but they can't see that it makes any difference in our life).  God can use a life of belief and a life of unbelief equally well and to the same end.  He wants everybody to receive the gift.  He gave His only Son so we could more readily recognize the gift of faith and receive it.   

For me, accepting the gift of faith was simple.  My parents gave it to me.  They beautifully wrapped up this gift for me in their unconditional love, faithful attendance at Mass, and their devotion.  They helped me unwrap it when they presented me for Baptism, First Communion, and Confirmation.  Further, when they paid for me to join millions of other kids to see the Pope and experience the unity of our faith at World Youth Day - in Colorado and France.   They have "bathed" me in grace with their prayers and intercession since I entered this world.  This is the way God intended it.

The upside is that if you weren't born into the faith, or have anyone spoon-feeding you through your youth, or paving the way for you, God can redeem the shortcomings of those who should have done it.  They probably suffered from the same "transmission" problem.  They didn't get it from their parents.  He is calling all of us to Himself, continually.  We have many, many, many chances as long as we remain open to Him and what He speaks into our hearts.

As Jesus promised the thief on the Cross, "This day you will be with Me in paradise", we are promised that as long as we have life within us, it is never to late to say "yes" to Him.  Our life on earth is but a fleeting moment compared with life in eternity.  Ultimately, if we believe in Jesus Christ and His divine Sonship on our last day, how many days you believed before that simply no longer matters.

Dear God, Thank you for the gift of faith.  Thank you for parents who have given it to their children.  Thank you for loving us.  Lord, please bestow many graces on those who did not receive the gift of faith from their parents, as you intended.  Lord, please bless them superabundantly.  Where they were slighted, Lord, let us, the Body of Christ, intercede for them.  Please accept our prayers on their behalf.  Please help us to show them Your love that they may believe in You.  Amen.