Happy Father's Day to you and yours! It's been a good one for us. Sleeping in, Mass, and eating out make for a pretty great day. I also emailed my Dad the links to my posts where I wrote about him (A "Rough" Life - A Tribute to my Grandma, Uncle, and my Dad). He doesn't do blogs, but it occurred to me that he might better understand how much I love and respect him if he could read what I had written. He was deeply moved, printed it off, and put it in his Bible. Happy Fathers Day, Dad.
Two weeks ago today, my husband (and the father of my children) got a concussion when he and his skateboard parted ways. I was at the swimming pool (roughly 100 yards away) when it happened. My oldest son came and told me "Dad has a concussion, but he's fine. He's up and walking around". I clambered out of the pool to go see what in the world was going on.
As I was gathering our stuff, my husband walked into the pool, saying he thinks he has a concussion, was seeing stars, and half of his vision was blurry. He wasn't really sure what happened or if he lost consciousness, so I sat him down on the pool steps and went to investigate. What I found was a pool of blood in the bottom of the skate bowl. At the time, I couldn't find any witnesses, so I assumed he was knocked out because he laid there long enough to make a puddle of blood (from his elbow) the size of my footprints.
I did my best to wash the blood away and we loaded up to go home. He had virtually no memory of the day and began to ask a series of questions, which went something like this..."What happened? Was I awesome? Did anyone see? Was I unconscious? What happened? Was I awesome? Did anyone see? Was I unconscious? What happened? Was I awesome? Did anyone see? Was I unconscious? What happened? Was I awesome? Did anyone see? Was I unconscious?..."
You get the idea. I worked for an ambulance service for 6 years, so I knew he had a concussion at least, and was worried he might have bleeding in his brain. I waited for a couple of hours to see if his symptoms (repetitive questioning and memory loss) would improve, but they persisted.
To make a long story short, we ended up in the ER. He had a CAT scan which showed no bleeding on his brain and he got three stitches in his elbow. He took the following day off of work for "brain rest". Aside from a sore neck and elbow, and a little light sensitivity, he was back to good.
But, then I wasn't so good. The more I thought about what happened, the more I had my own series of thoughts that went something like this...
"It freaks me out that my husband was lying unconscious (or something close to it) 100 yards away from me and I didn't have any idea. I guess I always thought that if something happened to him I would somehow know. A gut check or something. Nope. Nothin'. What if it was worse? What if his brain had bled, and he had a stroke or an aneurysm? What if he had broken his neck? If he died, financially we would be able to make it, but if he's disabled and it didn't happen at work, we'd have nothing. I am totally dependent on him and his good health. This vulnerability feels like crap. Should I get a full-time job?..."
This went on for about two days. I was pulling back emotionally and he knew it. He was telling me not to dwell on what could of happened, and that I couldn't love him any less because of some dumb accident. But, I was trying to. I don't want to be physically, emotionally, psychologically, and financially dependent on someone who could check out at any minute! I told him he was a liability, and he was quick to let me know that I was one, too. Then, he said something to the effect of, that's what happens when you get married...
Hmmm....
Good point. He would be in as much of a fix if something happened to me, as I would be if something happened to him. Not for a paycheck, but for someone to run the household and take care of the kiddos, and all of the other things wives do.
After this conversation, and by God's grace, I started to realize that the only problem I had was a trust problem. In the unusual circumstance of seeing my husband incapacitated, I withdrew my trust from God, and put it in myself. Only, I quickly realized how drastically short I came from being able to provide the solution that I was trusting myself for. If this whole scenario was a test for my trust in God, I'd have a Big 'ol "F" over here...
As Providence would have it, one of the Mass readings during this time was from Tobit 2:9-14. In the story, Tobit became blind for four years after some birds pooped on his eyes. (I'm not making this up!) Eventually, his wife weaved cloth and provided for the family, and life went on...
Duh.
God has provided for me for 35 years. Some of those years, he provided for me through my parents. Others, I provided for myself. For the last 10 years, my husband has provided for me and our family. If something were to happen to him (God forbid!), God would continue to provide for me. Yes, it would look different. Very, very different. But, I would have what I need. Just like I always have.
It is a paradox to be sure, but our security is our vulnerability. It doesn't matter if I like it. It's just the way it is.
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Matthew 6:25-27
Dear Heavenly Father, Happy Father's Day!!! Thank you for being The Father of fathers, King of kings, and Lord of lords! Thank you for fathers who help us believe in You and Your love for us. Thank you for my husband and the way my kids will emulate him even before they recognize his greatness. Thank you for his health and the big lesson in humility and trust, when it was compromised, even for a short time. Please bless him with good health and a long life.
Lord, please draw near to those who don't know what a good father is. Make Yourself known to them! Please grant the grace of forgiveness to those who need it.
Abba, I love You. Thank You for loving us first! Make us love You more and more. Amen.
Showing posts with label Sickness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sickness. Show all posts
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Unfinished Business
The last two days have given me a lot to think about. I'm dumbfounded. Maybe it is a good thing God only lets us see a little bit at a time...
Case #1: My boys are becoming very interested in skateboarding, so we've been hitting the skate park after dinner. Last night, I noticed a very little boy who was surprisingly proficient on a scooter and a little girl hanging out behind one of the jumps. I didn't see any parents, but assumed, since the kids were so young, that they were close by.
I saw them again tonight, and unfortunately, I was wrong. The young girl wandered over to our game of tennis, so I invited her to join us. I asked her where her Mom was. She said, "She's not really around here." After a few more questions from me, I learned that her Mom lives in Southgate (a low-income apartment complex), but she is living with the other kids who are her cousins and their parents, across the street from the skate park. Apparently, tonight, the parents were in Snook - a little town 16 miles from here, and the oldest cousin (a teenage girl) was in charge of the others (ages 12, 7, and 3-the little boy on the scooter). .
It was a little after 8pm, so I told her we were going to have to go, because it was bedtime. She said, "It's 8:00? My bedtime is 8:30." I told her "You better go soon, too, so you can get to bed on time." Then, she told me, "I can't. When the parents leave, we can't get in the house", proceeded to name all of the doors that were locked, and said "Maybe 1:00". I said, "1:00 in the morning?!" She nodded.
I felt sick as I packed up our tennis gear, imagining those little kids "stuck" at the skate park for any length of time, let alone until 1:00 in the morning! I wanted to take her with me (and her 3-year-old cousin, too), but I couldn't figure out how to get around the inevitable kidnapping charge. Instead, I thanked her for playing with us, and she ambled away. I couldn't believe I was leaving her and her 3-year-old cousin there. The very-foul language and sometimes overt sexuality at the skate park make me uncomfortable. My mind raced as we went home and I put my own boys in bed.
After bedtime prayers and kisses goodnight, I drove back up to the skate park and had a look around. I decided that if I couldn't take those kids to my house and put them to bed, I could at least call the police, and get somebody on the job. Fortunately, the kids were nowhere around, and I turned around and went home.
I don't know if anything will come of it, but they are definitely on my "radar". There are soccer moms, classroom moms, hockey moms, you-name-it... Where are the skateboard moms?!!
Case #2: I received a voicemail from the Church office yesterday, with details of a lady who was asking if anyone could bring her groceries, and whether the transportation ministry (which I coordinate) could help. However, earlier that morning, a friend unexpectedly picked up my 4-year-old for an overnighter, so I was really looking forward to a full day of FREEDOM.
I tried to ignore the voicemail (reasoning that it was likely a lady I already know), and finished up some paperwork that I needed to take to the Church anyway. When I dropped the paperwork off, the secretary in the Church office told me that the lady needing groceries had already called back three times, thinking that she'd missed the call. Ugh.
I walked out to my car, trying to decide which chunk of my freedom I wanted to lose - to run an errand for someone I didn't know. I reluctantly picked up my phone and called her, hoping that she could wait one more day. I didn't ask her, but she couldn't. Her daughter was sick, and she wanted to make some soup to get her well. I took down her list and headed to HEB.
Have you ever grocery shopped for someone you didn't know? What brand of bouillon do they like? What is "sweet bread" if it isn't the Hawaiian kind? Did you know Nescafe comes in cinnamon and dark roast? Are store brand instant potatoes as good as name brand?
After marking through everything on her list, and getting my list, too, I was on my way. I knocked on the front door, and stood there with grocery sacks up my arms. I waited, but no one came. I rang the doorbell, and no one came. I started walking around the house, and I saw her.
I don't mean to be stereotypical, but she looked like one of those kind-eyed, short-in-stature, 80-year-old ladies from the Himalayas, smiling for a National Geographic photographer. She insisted on taking some of the groceries from my arms, and I retrieved more. She kept saying "You're an angel, You're an angel" and told me how she started "praying and praying" after she called all of the grocery stores, and churches, and found out no one delivers.
We piled all of the groceries on the dryer in the musty garage, and I asked about her daughter. She quickly and quietly said, "Aca! Aca!" and ushered me into the house. Laundry was piled up all around the perimeter of the living room, like a laundry service with hills of white sheets, and water was running full blast in the bathroom. She apologized for the house, and led me to a very thin lady laying in a chair in the middle of the room, with her feet propped up on an end table.
She roused her 50-year-old daughter who she described as being very weak, after vomiting for days last week, after eating something. Her daughter was now unable to walk, and she thought some soup might help her get some strength back. The daughter half-smiled, made brief eye contact, and thanked me for coming, at her mother's insistence. She had not been to the doctor, and I'm not sure why.
My lady was eager to fix the soup. I offered to take her daughter to the hospital, if the soup didn't help. She said she would call me if she needed help, paid me $77 for the groceries (plus $23 for the Church, and $10 for my gas), and I left. I kept wondering if I should have pushed harder to take her daughter to the hospital, but I had to get home to meet my kids after school.
I fully expected to hear from her today. I didn't hear anything and called twice with no answer. Tonight, to my chagrin, my husband informed me of a recent E.coli outbreak in our area. If I can't get her on the phone tomorrow, I'm going to see if I can track them down at one of the local hospitals...
In both of these circumstances, I feel powerless. Instead of having the ability to tie up the loose ends with a pretty bow, I'm restricted to this little desk, writing to you. I hope my sharing will help you go to these places with me. Entering into another person's world is a tremendous privilege. Even, and especially if it is unsettling to do so.
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for beautiful weather, friends who love my kids, and the world wide web. Thank you for meeting and surpassing my needs and expectations. Lord, my heart is heavy tonight for the kids growing up at the skate park, and the lady with the sick daughter. You know where they are, and you know what they need. Please make Your Presence known to them. Thank you for using us to answer another's prayers. Thank you for a conscience that doesn't let selfishness dictate every move. Thank you for the generosity and joy of the lady, who was so happy to give, though it seemed like she needed what she was giving. Thank you for allowing encounters with the "poor in spirit". They teach me everything I need to know. I'm sorry I hesitated at the opportunity to receive what you were offering. Please grant me the grace to love You and my neighbor with all my heart, according to Your will. I love You, and know You are near. Amen.
Case #1: My boys are becoming very interested in skateboarding, so we've been hitting the skate park after dinner. Last night, I noticed a very little boy who was surprisingly proficient on a scooter and a little girl hanging out behind one of the jumps. I didn't see any parents, but assumed, since the kids were so young, that they were close by.
I saw them again tonight, and unfortunately, I was wrong. The young girl wandered over to our game of tennis, so I invited her to join us. I asked her where her Mom was. She said, "She's not really around here." After a few more questions from me, I learned that her Mom lives in Southgate (a low-income apartment complex), but she is living with the other kids who are her cousins and their parents, across the street from the skate park. Apparently, tonight, the parents were in Snook - a little town 16 miles from here, and the oldest cousin (a teenage girl) was in charge of the others (ages 12, 7, and 3-the little boy on the scooter). .
It was a little after 8pm, so I told her we were going to have to go, because it was bedtime. She said, "It's 8:00? My bedtime is 8:30." I told her "You better go soon, too, so you can get to bed on time." Then, she told me, "I can't. When the parents leave, we can't get in the house", proceeded to name all of the doors that were locked, and said "Maybe 1:00". I said, "1:00 in the morning?!" She nodded.
I felt sick as I packed up our tennis gear, imagining those little kids "stuck" at the skate park for any length of time, let alone until 1:00 in the morning! I wanted to take her with me (and her 3-year-old cousin, too), but I couldn't figure out how to get around the inevitable kidnapping charge. Instead, I thanked her for playing with us, and she ambled away. I couldn't believe I was leaving her and her 3-year-old cousin there. The very-foul language and sometimes overt sexuality at the skate park make me uncomfortable. My mind raced as we went home and I put my own boys in bed.
After bedtime prayers and kisses goodnight, I drove back up to the skate park and had a look around. I decided that if I couldn't take those kids to my house and put them to bed, I could at least call the police, and get somebody on the job. Fortunately, the kids were nowhere around, and I turned around and went home.
I don't know if anything will come of it, but they are definitely on my "radar". There are soccer moms, classroom moms, hockey moms, you-name-it... Where are the skateboard moms?!!
Case #2: I received a voicemail from the Church office yesterday, with details of a lady who was asking if anyone could bring her groceries, and whether the transportation ministry (which I coordinate) could help. However, earlier that morning, a friend unexpectedly picked up my 4-year-old for an overnighter, so I was really looking forward to a full day of FREEDOM.
I tried to ignore the voicemail (reasoning that it was likely a lady I already know), and finished up some paperwork that I needed to take to the Church anyway. When I dropped the paperwork off, the secretary in the Church office told me that the lady needing groceries had already called back three times, thinking that she'd missed the call. Ugh.
I walked out to my car, trying to decide which chunk of my freedom I wanted to lose - to run an errand for someone I didn't know. I reluctantly picked up my phone and called her, hoping that she could wait one more day. I didn't ask her, but she couldn't. Her daughter was sick, and she wanted to make some soup to get her well. I took down her list and headed to HEB.
Have you ever grocery shopped for someone you didn't know? What brand of bouillon do they like? What is "sweet bread" if it isn't the Hawaiian kind? Did you know Nescafe comes in cinnamon and dark roast? Are store brand instant potatoes as good as name brand?
After marking through everything on her list, and getting my list, too, I was on my way. I knocked on the front door, and stood there with grocery sacks up my arms. I waited, but no one came. I rang the doorbell, and no one came. I started walking around the house, and I saw her.
I don't mean to be stereotypical, but she looked like one of those kind-eyed, short-in-stature, 80-year-old ladies from the Himalayas, smiling for a National Geographic photographer. She insisted on taking some of the groceries from my arms, and I retrieved more. She kept saying "You're an angel, You're an angel" and told me how she started "praying and praying" after she called all of the grocery stores, and churches, and found out no one delivers.
We piled all of the groceries on the dryer in the musty garage, and I asked about her daughter. She quickly and quietly said, "Aca! Aca!" and ushered me into the house. Laundry was piled up all around the perimeter of the living room, like a laundry service with hills of white sheets, and water was running full blast in the bathroom. She apologized for the house, and led me to a very thin lady laying in a chair in the middle of the room, with her feet propped up on an end table.
She roused her 50-year-old daughter who she described as being very weak, after vomiting for days last week, after eating something. Her daughter was now unable to walk, and she thought some soup might help her get some strength back. The daughter half-smiled, made brief eye contact, and thanked me for coming, at her mother's insistence. She had not been to the doctor, and I'm not sure why.
My lady was eager to fix the soup. I offered to take her daughter to the hospital, if the soup didn't help. She said she would call me if she needed help, paid me $77 for the groceries (plus $23 for the Church, and $10 for my gas), and I left. I kept wondering if I should have pushed harder to take her daughter to the hospital, but I had to get home to meet my kids after school.
I fully expected to hear from her today. I didn't hear anything and called twice with no answer. Tonight, to my chagrin, my husband informed me of a recent E.coli outbreak in our area. If I can't get her on the phone tomorrow, I'm going to see if I can track them down at one of the local hospitals...
In both of these circumstances, I feel powerless. Instead of having the ability to tie up the loose ends with a pretty bow, I'm restricted to this little desk, writing to you. I hope my sharing will help you go to these places with me. Entering into another person's world is a tremendous privilege. Even, and especially if it is unsettling to do so.
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for beautiful weather, friends who love my kids, and the world wide web. Thank you for meeting and surpassing my needs and expectations. Lord, my heart is heavy tonight for the kids growing up at the skate park, and the lady with the sick daughter. You know where they are, and you know what they need. Please make Your Presence known to them. Thank you for using us to answer another's prayers. Thank you for a conscience that doesn't let selfishness dictate every move. Thank you for the generosity and joy of the lady, who was so happy to give, though it seemed like she needed what she was giving. Thank you for allowing encounters with the "poor in spirit". They teach me everything I need to know. I'm sorry I hesitated at the opportunity to receive what you were offering. Please grant me the grace to love You and my neighbor with all my heart, according to Your will. I love You, and know You are near. Amen.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Oceans and Antibiotics
I'm back!!! The me that I like, anyway! I am finally back to feeling great (after 9 yucky days). Good-bye, random bacterial infection! Thanks be to God! It's amazing how when you don't feel well, everything else seems like an affront to the senses.
I'm learning about times of consolation and desolation in the spiritual life and how God uses them. My spiritual director told me that you should NEVER make/change a decision during a time of desolation. I can see why! My perspective shrank down to such a limited one. No wonder the devil wants us sick, tired, or discouraged...he seems much more powerful during those times than he really is.
Yesterday, we got to take my brother and his fiancee to the beach. They live in Kansas and it was her first time. We got to spend the day enjoying God's beautiful and powerful ocean, and each other. Oh, how I love to watch my boys from a distance! They have beautiful smiles and great energy. It feels good to see and experience them, independently of myself. I would be an awesome mom if I lived next door to them!
But, parents of young children can't do their job from a distance - long or short. Being a parent of young children is intimate. The interactions are many and close. It can be messy and lack proper grace. Parenting with love is practical - not perfect, but enduring. At the end of a day, there are "I love you's", night prayers, and a kiss goodnight. It doesn't matter how many talking-to's or time outs the day held; there are things that are the same no matter what - and that is what love looks like.
This is a timely reflection for me (as they always are when you write your own blog :)), because parenting hasn't been pretty at my house for the past couple of weeks. Not feeling well lent itself to more time at home, less swimming, shorter tempers, and more sibling fights. I guess it's true, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
I guess feeling badly about my parenting and second-guessing almost everything at times has its upside - It means I still care if I'm doing a good job or not. It means that I have room for improvement and that I know I have room for improvement and I can act on that knowledge. A little daytrip to the beach was a great start, made better only by the many graces received at Mass this morning.
I hope you are happy and healthy, and if not, that you submit to God's plans for you (and take antibiotics, if necessary). He is faithful and is always leading us to Himself!
Dear God, thank you for being available to us in Mass. Thank you for sending Jesus to be our bread from heaven. Jesus, thank you for being the sacrificial Lamb and the new manna. Thank you for your generosity and patience. Thank you for the ocean and all of your creation. Thank you for good health and the means to attain it. Please forgive my lack of faith and self-centeredness during that past week and a half. Please help me to be the woman that you had in mind when You created me. I love you. Amen.
I'm learning about times of consolation and desolation in the spiritual life and how God uses them. My spiritual director told me that you should NEVER make/change a decision during a time of desolation. I can see why! My perspective shrank down to such a limited one. No wonder the devil wants us sick, tired, or discouraged...he seems much more powerful during those times than he really is.
Yesterday, we got to take my brother and his fiancee to the beach. They live in Kansas and it was her first time. We got to spend the day enjoying God's beautiful and powerful ocean, and each other. Oh, how I love to watch my boys from a distance! They have beautiful smiles and great energy. It feels good to see and experience them, independently of myself. I would be an awesome mom if I lived next door to them!
But, parents of young children can't do their job from a distance - long or short. Being a parent of young children is intimate. The interactions are many and close. It can be messy and lack proper grace. Parenting with love is practical - not perfect, but enduring. At the end of a day, there are "I love you's", night prayers, and a kiss goodnight. It doesn't matter how many talking-to's or time outs the day held; there are things that are the same no matter what - and that is what love looks like.
This is a timely reflection for me (as they always are when you write your own blog :)), because parenting hasn't been pretty at my house for the past couple of weeks. Not feeling well lent itself to more time at home, less swimming, shorter tempers, and more sibling fights. I guess it's true, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
I guess feeling badly about my parenting and second-guessing almost everything at times has its upside - It means I still care if I'm doing a good job or not. It means that I have room for improvement and that I know I have room for improvement and I can act on that knowledge. A little daytrip to the beach was a great start, made better only by the many graces received at Mass this morning.
I hope you are happy and healthy, and if not, that you submit to God's plans for you (and take antibiotics, if necessary). He is faithful and is always leading us to Himself!
Dear God, thank you for being available to us in Mass. Thank you for sending Jesus to be our bread from heaven. Jesus, thank you for being the sacrificial Lamb and the new manna. Thank you for your generosity and patience. Thank you for the ocean and all of your creation. Thank you for good health and the means to attain it. Please forgive my lack of faith and self-centeredness during that past week and a half. Please help me to be the woman that you had in mind when You created me. I love you. Amen.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Sick And Tired
I've not been feeling very well for the last several days. Nothing major - just swollen glands and no energy. I don't really even want to mention it, but it falls under the mundane category, so I'm going to try to make it into my prayer back to God. I appreciate using this blog as a tool to get there, because it hasn't come easily before now. I'm still not sure how this will wind up, but it always does, so I begin, with faith.
Yesterday, my two older boys spent the afternoon at the lake with a friend. My youngest was Daddy's right-hand man all day. That left me alone. Normally, I love being alone. I dream about days and moments such as these. But, yesterday, I was just sad. I felt sad to be the "left overs". I take that back, I was the dog's first choice for a companion, but I felt like I was disappointing him, too. I (maybe for the first time ever) wished I was with my guys, instead of being alone! I wished we were at the lake, together. We actually gave the older ones the choice, but they chose being with their friend, instead. I didn't even have enough energy to read for very long without falling asleep. I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted to do or felt like doing. Then, I assailed myself with thoughts of how spoiled I am and how pitiful that this was the best I could do.
Feeling like this made me wonder if I'm falling down on the self-improvement job. Am I really a person who doesn't know what to do with herself when nothing is being demanded of her?! Yikes! My normal get-up-and-go is hiding from me and I'm too tired to look for it. My house is not clean and my meals are mediocre, but the good thing is that nobody is really complaining. Whatever my body is fighting and being on the last leg of summer got the best of me yesterday. It is embarrassing for me to admit that, which is why I have to. It's good for humility.
Some people find God more easily when all is well, like me. Others are more apt to run to Him when they are in need. Maybe He's stretching me in the other direction? I am thankful for going to Mass this morning and receiving Jesus - the ultimate reset button.
I'm thankful that God isn't asking me for great courage or amazing feats of strength. I feel small and like I have very little to offer. I don't even have 5 loaves and 2 fish, like the boy in today's Gospel reading. But, what I have is enough. When God gives me more, then my offering will be more. I am going to chase the devil away, and give God what I have, instead of wallowing around in self-pity. God doesn't give any qualifiers about how much is too little.
So, today, I'm taking comfort in the following quote from Fr. Jean-Pierre Caussade in Abandonment to Divine Providence:
"What courage would they not derive from the thought that to acquire the friendship of God, and to arrive at eternal glory, they had but to do what they were doing, but to suffer what they were suffering, and that what they wasted and counted as nothing would suffice to enable them to arrive at eminent sanctity; far more so than extraordinary states and wonderful works."
"There is not a moment in which God does not present Himself under the cover of some pain to be endured, of some consolation to be enjoyed, or of some duty to be performed. All that takes place within us, around us, or through us, contains and conceals His divine action."
Dear God, You see us when we are small and feel like we have nothing to give. You are the One who said we are strong in our weakness. Lord, please forgive me for being too self-focused and for having too little faith. Please increase my faith, hope, and love. Help me to use the stuff of my daily life to "arrive at eminent sanctity". I don't want to waste it. Please accept my life and all it contains as my offering to You. Please bless it and make it holy. Amen.
Yesterday, my two older boys spent the afternoon at the lake with a friend. My youngest was Daddy's right-hand man all day. That left me alone. Normally, I love being alone. I dream about days and moments such as these. But, yesterday, I was just sad. I felt sad to be the "left overs". I take that back, I was the dog's first choice for a companion, but I felt like I was disappointing him, too. I (maybe for the first time ever) wished I was with my guys, instead of being alone! I wished we were at the lake, together. We actually gave the older ones the choice, but they chose being with their friend, instead. I didn't even have enough energy to read for very long without falling asleep. I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted to do or felt like doing. Then, I assailed myself with thoughts of how spoiled I am and how pitiful that this was the best I could do.
Feeling like this made me wonder if I'm falling down on the self-improvement job. Am I really a person who doesn't know what to do with herself when nothing is being demanded of her?! Yikes! My normal get-up-and-go is hiding from me and I'm too tired to look for it. My house is not clean and my meals are mediocre, but the good thing is that nobody is really complaining. Whatever my body is fighting and being on the last leg of summer got the best of me yesterday. It is embarrassing for me to admit that, which is why I have to. It's good for humility.
Some people find God more easily when all is well, like me. Others are more apt to run to Him when they are in need. Maybe He's stretching me in the other direction? I am thankful for going to Mass this morning and receiving Jesus - the ultimate reset button.
I'm thankful that God isn't asking me for great courage or amazing feats of strength. I feel small and like I have very little to offer. I don't even have 5 loaves and 2 fish, like the boy in today's Gospel reading. But, what I have is enough. When God gives me more, then my offering will be more. I am going to chase the devil away, and give God what I have, instead of wallowing around in self-pity. God doesn't give any qualifiers about how much is too little.
So, today, I'm taking comfort in the following quote from Fr. Jean-Pierre Caussade in Abandonment to Divine Providence:
"What courage would they not derive from the thought that to acquire the friendship of God, and to arrive at eternal glory, they had but to do what they were doing, but to suffer what they were suffering, and that what they wasted and counted as nothing would suffice to enable them to arrive at eminent sanctity; far more so than extraordinary states and wonderful works."
"There is not a moment in which God does not present Himself under the cover of some pain to be endured, of some consolation to be enjoyed, or of some duty to be performed. All that takes place within us, around us, or through us, contains and conceals His divine action."
Dear God, You see us when we are small and feel like we have nothing to give. You are the One who said we are strong in our weakness. Lord, please forgive me for being too self-focused and for having too little faith. Please increase my faith, hope, and love. Help me to use the stuff of my daily life to "arrive at eminent sanctity". I don't want to waste it. Please accept my life and all it contains as my offering to You. Please bless it and make it holy. Amen.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Thankful for the flu
Today, I am thankful for the flu. Or, maybe just the perspective that the flu brings. I am thankful I got it this weekend instead of next weekend, when my husband is scheduled to work. I am thankful I can walk around my house without feeling like I'm going to throw-up, fall down, or die. I am thankful for my health. I am thankful for the health of my family. I am thankful I have an exuberant amount of energy most of the time. I am thankful to be able to play in the sandbox and be outside. Not just listening to the bustle from my bed. I am thankful to be able to clean a bathroom and am looking forward to mopping the floor - tomorrow.
I can only imagine how difficult it is for the couples who deal with chronic illness. One feels put out because they have to do everything. One feels left out because they can't do anything.
Dear God, thank you for my health. Please buoy up those people, couples, and families who struggle with health issues and the wrench that they throw in their every-day lives. I am reminded how I am unable to anything without Your grace.
Prayer to Our Lady of Lourdes
O Ever Immaculate Virgin, Mother of Mercy, you are the refuge of sinners and the comfort of the afflicted. Look with mercy on us. By appearing in the Grotto of Lourdes you gave the world hope. Your Son has healed many, thanks to your compassionate intercession. Therefore, I come humbly before you to ask for your motherly intercession for all who are sick in body, mind, and spirit. Holy Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of death. Amen.
-Missionary Oblates of Mary Immaculate
I can only imagine how difficult it is for the couples who deal with chronic illness. One feels put out because they have to do everything. One feels left out because they can't do anything.
Dear God, thank you for my health. Please buoy up those people, couples, and families who struggle with health issues and the wrench that they throw in their every-day lives. I am reminded how I am unable to anything without Your grace.
Prayer to Our Lady of Lourdes
O Ever Immaculate Virgin, Mother of Mercy, you are the refuge of sinners and the comfort of the afflicted. Look with mercy on us. By appearing in the Grotto of Lourdes you gave the world hope. Your Son has healed many, thanks to your compassionate intercession. Therefore, I come humbly before you to ask for your motherly intercession for all who are sick in body, mind, and spirit. Holy Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of death. Amen.
-Missionary Oblates of Mary Immaculate
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