Twenty Years Later

Twenty years ago, on March 20, 1994, I awoke to a knock on the door early in the morning.  My Mom's brother and best friend were standing there.  They told me my Mom had been in a car accident, and flown to a bigger city for the "right kind of doctor", and something about a hurt back.  I remember thinking that she probably wouldn't be able to lift anything heavy for awhile, but not much beyond that.  When we drove to see her later that day, I found her all puffy lying in a bed with a metal halo attached to her skull, abrasions on her arms, in a room that smelled like blood and medicine, I guess.  Oddly enough, I don't remember anything about her left wrist which was completely shattered.  Worst fracture the orthopedist has seen in 10 years, as I recall.  I remember asking about how she got this mark, or that mark, and when she answered that she didn't know, she sounded like a robot and said something like "I'll be fine." 

Unlike my older sister, I don't remember being told that she'd never walk again.  Maybe that happened during the following week when I was gone on my high school spring break choir trip to Disneyworld.  I didn't want to go, but everyone felt it was best.  Mom was going to live, and beyond that, there wasn't anything I could offer by staying.  So, I went. 

For the following three months, Mom lived in the rehabilitation hospital, re-learning how to eat, brush teeth, bathe, and basically, survive.  This is the same hospital I visited, so she could see me in my junior Prom dress.  The same hospital where we slowly learned what our new life would look like.  Throughout this time, my younger brother and I lived with our aunt and uncle.  We were 16 and 14.

My mother became a quadriplegic on that fateful night, 20 years ago.  She broke her neck and left wrist.  She was 43-years-old.  It has been a long, long road.  Lots of things come with a lack of mobility.  Bed sores, incontinence, pneumonia, blood clots, digestive issues, chronic pain, total lack of privacy and self-sufficiency, and all manner of emotional and psychological adjustments besides. 

But, none of these are why I'm writing today.  Today, I am thankful for what I have gained from walking with my Mom through part of her journey.  Through it all, I was only her right-hand lady for  about four years, and a back-up beyond that.  But, I learned a lot in 4 years.  I wish that I could say that I served her well.  But, I was often bitter and unkind.  However, twenty years later, my experiences with her are still positively impacting the decisions I make. 

On Monday, I am going to embark on a new chapter in my life - pursuing hospital chaplaincy.  This begins with a 10-week internship at a local hospital, and will follow with a Master's degree in Pastoral Theology.  I could not feel more suited or more excited.  Because of my mother's accident, I took the course to become an Emergency Medical Technician during my Senior year of high school.  From there, I worked in our county's EMS service and emergency room through college and beyond.  I loved the people, I loved the work, and I loved the environment. 

As my youngest starts kindergarten next year, it is time for me to expand my stay-at-home-mom gig.  As Providence would have it, all of my personal experience, work experience, and passion about the spiritual life are coming together as a new vocation.  I am going to be a hospital chaplain. 

I'm with my Mom and all fellow Christians when I repeat Romans 8:28 from the bottom of my heart,

We know that all things work for good for those who love God - who are called according to his purpose.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for my Mom.  Thank you for preserving her life.  Thank you for her perseverance, her forgiveness, and her continual effort to grow closer to You.  Thank you for my aunt and uncle who absorbed us into their lives, as if it was the easiest thing in the world.  Please give me the grace to imitate them, when others look to me for something they should be receiving from someone else.  Thank you for my co-workers through my EMS years, and for their model of Christianity in the workforce.  Thank you for all of the opportunities You have afforded me because of another's misfortune.  Thank you for all of the things that seem easy, because of going through something really hard.  Please purify all of the good that I do poorly today, and all of the days of my life.  Please bless my pursuit to become a hospital chaplain, if that is in fact Your Will for me.  If not, please take away my desire and replace it with Yours.  Amen       

Love Anticipates

"None ever sought Me in vain.  I wait, wait with a hungry longing to be called upon; and I, who have already seen your hearts' needs before you cried upon Me, before perhaps, you were conscious of those needs yourself, I am already preparing the answer.

It is like a Mother, who is setting aside suitable gifts for her daughter's wedding, before Love even has come into the daughter's life.

The Anticipatory Love of God is a thing mortals seldom realize.  Dwell on this thought.  Dismiss from your minds the thought of a grudging God, who had to be petitioned with sighs and tears and much speaking before reluctantly He loosed the desired treasures.  Man's thoughts of Me need revolutionizing.

Try and see a Mother preparing birthday or Christmas delights for her child - the while her Mother-heart sings:  'Will she not love that?  How she will love this!'  and anticipates the rapture of her child, her own heart full of the tenderest joy.  Where did the Mother learn all this preparation-joy?  From Me - a faint echo of My preparation-joy.

Try to see this as plans unfold of My preparing.  It means much to Me to be understood, and the understanding of Me will bring great joy to you."

~Jesus speaks, in God Calling

We have several birthdays coming up in our house, and I've been thinking about what gifts would bring my children the greatest happiness.  So, this resonates with me.  I am planning great things for my children that they know nothing about.  Because I love them, I delight in coming up with ways to make them happy.  And Jesus says here, that my "preparation-joy" is a faint echo of His own.  Can you imagine?!! 

I feel like a child at Christmastime - Imagining all of the wonderful plans God must have for me!  Not only because I know the joy of preparing gifts for my loved ones, but because I have also received them.  In fact, I just received one of His well-prepared gifts this Saturday.  My Regnum Christi group hosted a "Women's Day of Reflection".  I volunteered to sing and was asked to conclude the program with an overview of the day.  So, I did.  And, that a gift from God! 

As you already know, one of my passions is to collect quotes and ideas that inspire me, and share them.  Normally, this blog is one of my few means to do that.  So, an opportunity to do it in a room full of women, face-to-face, was a great joy!  Most often, I love God by indirect means.  By loving and serving others.  But, on Saturday, I got to sing and speak for Him and about Him, directly.  I was able to use my God-given gifts and give them back to Him.  And, now, after reading about God's Anticipatory Love, I know that that was a gift He prepared for me.

Dear Heavenly Father,  Thank you for preparing beautiful things and opportunities for those You love!!!  Thank you for continually revealing Yourself to us, through those who will listen to You.  I'm sorry for all of the times I've considered times of great joy as something coincidental or unintended by You.  I'm sorry for underestimating Your Love.  I'm sorry for thinking of You as the judge who finally grants the widow's wishes, but only because of her persistence.  I am in awe of Your Love.  Thank you for reminding me that I cannot carry my confidence in You too far.  I love you!  Amen.   

Where is Jesus?!

March 28, 2012 - Adoration Chapel

Jesus is covered with a purple cloth.  I am so thankful He is present in the Host!  It grieves me to not be able to see Him, but only see where His head is hanging forward under that cloth. 

Oh, Jesus!  How awful were those hours after your death, before your resurrection?!  The world was hell - the world without You in it.  Maybe the only thing that kept it from being hell was Your mother and the love You had for each other. 

If You died at 3pm on Good Friday and rose, let's say at 6am on Sunday, the world was at a loss for 33 hours?!  You were 33 when You died!  Were You dead for one hour for each year of Your life?!  What time did You leave the tomb, Lord? 

How did it feel to all of the people who read Scripture, who spent their entire lives awaiting the Messiah, when they realized they just murdered Him?!  How can you kill the man who is going to save your life?!  How do you feel after that has happened?

Lord, I wonder if Your generosity turns us away.  You are always available to us.  We know that, so we come seldom.  If You deprived us from time to time, we would probably walk for miles and climb mountains to get to You.  To receive You.  To gaze upon You in the form of bread or hanging on the Cross.  How depraved are we?!!  The greater Your availability and Mercy, the less we acknowledge You, or receive it, or long for it.

Lord, please never let me fall into this lukewarm pit.  I have a great fire burning for You.  I have zeal for You because You put it there.  All I did, was let You in. 

Please channel this fire.  I am already Yours.  Here I am, Lord.  Where do You want me to bring Your fire?!  You don't need me, but You've got me!  Use me!

I want to console You!  I want to please You!  I want to make You smile!  I want to contribute to Your joy!  Please show me how. 

(After a time in silent prayer, it came to me) - My goal is to engage people spiritually...To ask questions, so we can live the questions, so we can become active in our thoughts about Jesus and pursue loving Him more.

"Holy meditation should be your chief occupation; to speak with God should be your foremost office.  Whatever you see or hear should elevate you to God."
-Blessed Henry Suso

Waiting on the Lord

March 27, 2012

I am trying to wait patiently on the Lord.  I want to bring Him many, many souls.  I want them to console Him with me.  However, I think He's purifying my impetuousity by having greater opportunities on hold, especially the path to becoming a spiritual director!!  I desire this so much and yet it always eludes me and seems just beyond my grasp.  Dear God, if it is your will that I become a spiritual director, please confirm this for me.  If not, please remove the desire.  I love you and unite my will to yours.

From Abandonment to Divine Providence-

"What you want, my dear sister, is to find support and comfort in yourself and your good works.  Well, this is precisely what God does not wish, and what He cannot endure in souls aspiring after perfection.  What?!  Lean upon yourself?  Count on your works?  Could self-love, pride, and perversity have a more miserable fruit?"

Voice for Jesus

March 6, 2012

I want to be a voice for Jesus.  After speaking to my women's group about my experience at the foot of the Cross and emailing it far and wide, it is hard for me not to look for the harvest.  I planted the seeds out of obedience and know God wanted me to,  I know my intention is pure at the outset.  But, then I get too eager to see how God is going to use it.  Who is it really going to penetrate and change - bring closer to Him?

I know I need to leave the results to Jesus.  He is the Divine Farmer - the harvest is His business.  I only have to plant seeds.  He will handle the rest.  Jesus, please give me the grace to let go of the results.

I also feel like Jesus is asking me if I am willing to be "nobody" and do "nothing" for Him.  Nothing, in that it will be seen nor heard by anyone and will be contained within the four walls of my home.

Yes!  If that is what He wants.  I feel called to be an apostle, but I can live in silent obscurity, as well.  My will is God's will.

God be praised!