In and Out of the Woods

My aunt sent me this great quote this morning. 

"Wear your heart on the page, and people will read to find out how you solved being alive."

-Gordon Lish

And that was just the push I needed to write from "the woods", since I am not out of them, yet.  As such, the stakes for writing (and everything else) feel a lot higher. 

If you've been traveling with me on this fear of abandonment stuff, you know the backstory.  If not, here it is on a bumper sticker.  There is some "trauma" from childhood that shows up in my adult life, specifically in marriage.  It is a fear reaction, and it is reflexive.  All I've been able to do is limp through it once it is triggered, and pray that I (and my husband) can recover before it happens again.

I put trauma in quotes, because I've never thought of my childhood as traumatic.  I have not been sexually or physically abused.  Emotionally and verbally, yes, but that is a late admission, as well.  The trauma I speak of, as best as my 40-year-old conscious brain can tell and a professional counselor can affirm, is experiencing an early divorce and 11 subsequent years of painful, tearful separations from my Dad whom I adored, after visiting him every weekend. 

This recurring pain was more than a 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, and 15-year-old could process.  So, the thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and physical reactions that went with the pain got "stuck" in my brain.  Twenty five years have passed and it is still there, largely unchanged.

There are diagnoses that name this very thing and physiological treatments for "moving" the stuff into a conscious place where it can be processed.  I am looking into that and will keep you posted.  This is a new and exciting revelation for me.

Since visiting a counselor twice by myself and once with my husband, I have written a pain narrative, realized I am 100% responsible for regulating my own emotions, explored restoration therapy, made a plan, and decided I would work on detachment as a part of that plan. 

I felt more sure of this after reading an excerpt from Deep Is the Hunger by Howard Thurman...

"The basis of one's inner togetherness, one's sense of inner authority, must never be at the mercy of factors in one's environment, however significant they may be.  Nothing from outside a man can destroy him until he opens the door and lets it in."

I've read much on this idea, and know there's some truth in it.  So, I thought I would try it.  I closed the door on my husband.  He is the trigger for the old stuff, so I reasoned that if I didn't let him in, I would be safe.  And it felt safe.  But, it also felt unfulfilling, sterile, and not sustainable. 

Today is my first day of being less attached to the idea of being fully detached.  It doesn't work. 

So, I'm back in the ring.  

Leaving is not an option, but thinking about it is a friend that I like to keep close.  She reminds me that I don't want to leave.  I want to love and be loved.  Know and be known.  Understand and be fully understood.  Patience and perseverance.  We celebrate our fifteenth wedding anniversary in less than a week.  The woods are home to many a lovely creature.  And, right now, I am one of them. 

           

Twenty Years Later

Twenty years ago, on March 20, 1994, I awoke to a knock on the door early in the morning.  My Mom's brother and best friend were standing there.  They told me my Mom had been in a car accident, and flown to a bigger city for the "right kind of doctor", and something about a hurt back.  I remember thinking that she probably wouldn't be able to lift anything heavy for awhile, but not much beyond that.  When we drove to see her later that day, I found her all puffy lying in a bed with a metal halo attached to her skull, abrasions on her arms, in a room that smelled like blood and medicine, I guess.  Oddly enough, I don't remember anything about her left wrist which was completely shattered.  Worst fracture the orthopedist has seen in 10 years, as I recall.  I remember asking about how she got this mark, or that mark, and when she answered that she didn't know, she sounded like a robot and said something like "I'll be fine." 

Unlike my older sister, I don't remember being told that she'd never walk again.  Maybe that happened during the following week when I was gone on my high school spring break choir trip to Disneyworld.  I didn't want to go, but everyone felt it was best.  Mom was going to live, and beyond that, there wasn't anything I could offer by staying.  So, I went. 

For the following three months, Mom lived in the rehabilitation hospital, re-learning how to eat, brush teeth, bathe, and basically, survive.  This is the same hospital I visited, so she could see me in my junior Prom dress.  The same hospital where we slowly learned what our new life would look like.  Throughout this time, my younger brother and I lived with our aunt and uncle.  We were 16 and 14.

My mother became a quadriplegic on that fateful night, 20 years ago.  She broke her neck and left wrist.  She was 43-years-old.  It has been a long, long road.  Lots of things come with a lack of mobility.  Bed sores, incontinence, pneumonia, blood clots, digestive issues, chronic pain, total lack of privacy and self-sufficiency, and all manner of emotional and psychological adjustments besides. 

But, none of these are why I'm writing today.  Today, I am thankful for what I have gained from walking with my Mom through part of her journey.  Through it all, I was only her right-hand lady for  about four years, and a back-up beyond that.  But, I learned a lot in 4 years.  I wish that I could say that I served her well.  But, I was often bitter and unkind.  However, twenty years later, my experiences with her are still positively impacting the decisions I make. 

On Monday, I am going to embark on a new chapter in my life - pursuing hospital chaplaincy.  This begins with a 10-week internship at a local hospital, and will follow with a Master's degree in Pastoral Theology.  I could not feel more suited or more excited.  Because of my mother's accident, I took the course to become an Emergency Medical Technician during my Senior year of high school.  From there, I worked in our county's EMS service and emergency room through college and beyond.  I loved the people, I loved the work, and I loved the environment. 

As my youngest starts kindergarten next year, it is time for me to expand my stay-at-home-mom gig.  As Providence would have it, all of my personal experience, work experience, and passion about the spiritual life are coming together as a new vocation.  I am going to be a hospital chaplain. 

I'm with my Mom and all fellow Christians when I repeat Romans 8:28 from the bottom of my heart,

We know that all things work for good for those who love God - who are called according to his purpose.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for my Mom.  Thank you for preserving her life.  Thank you for her perseverance, her forgiveness, and her continual effort to grow closer to You.  Thank you for my aunt and uncle who absorbed us into their lives, as if it was the easiest thing in the world.  Please give me the grace to imitate them, when others look to me for something they should be receiving from someone else.  Thank you for my co-workers through my EMS years, and for their model of Christianity in the workforce.  Thank you for all of the opportunities You have afforded me because of another's misfortune.  Thank you for all of the things that seem easy, because of going through something really hard.  Please purify all of the good that I do poorly today, and all of the days of my life.  Please bless my pursuit to become a hospital chaplain, if that is in fact Your Will for me.  If not, please take away my desire and replace it with Yours.  Amen       

A Good Paintbrush

Trusting The Great Artist is an idea that keeps resurfacing in my readings, and most recently at the Morning of Reflection on Friday.  It reminded me of a journal entry I wrote about being a "good paintbrush," a few months back.  (It's funny to me that most everything I write makes its way from my little green journal to you, eventually.)

Anyway, God must think we're pretty awesome.  We get to do, and be, everything that God uses in our transformation!  It's fascinating to me that we are both the canvas on which God, The Great Artist, creates His masterpiece, and the paintbrush He uses to make it.  We are the tool, the medium, and the finished product.  Our job as tool and medium is the same.  To respond. 

September 18, 2013
Help me to be a good paintbrush, Lord.  Content to be in Your Hand for as long as You deem necessary.  Help me to remain docile and content, to paint only the picture You have in mind.  For I know paintbrushes don't have eyes, with which to see what the Great Artist intends.

Just as no one thinks "of praising the quality of the brush an artist used when you look at his painting, but instead admire his skill in using it," help me be deaf to the praise of others, for it is praise of You alone. 

Help me to be blind and deaf to everything but You, and to rest comfortably in Your hand, or wherever You set me down.

A paintbrush has no life of its own.  Help me to be a good paintbrush - One who doesn't fall into the trap of trying to be "powerful, relevant, and spectacular" (Henry Nouwen).  Amen.

Summer Report Card

I'm getting ready to go to bed and wanted to wrap up the last day of summer with a few thoughts. A quick review of things gone by and anticipation of things to come. Those bittersweet emotions seem to be stirring and they are always well-timed as seasons change and life changes, for good. One door closes and another one opens.

If I had to grade our summer as the door shuts, I'd probably give it a B. Not the most exciting, but plenty of down time with lots of good stuff thrown in. The highlights were swimming, swimming, and more swimming, roller skating (boys' new favorite thing to do), going to the lake in our "junky old boat", a trip to Kansas and a daytrip to the beach. Otherwise, there was lots of Lego-building, reading (unfortunately, they still aren't self-motivated here, but they will do just about anything for video game time -and 30 minutes for 30 minutes works great at our house), Frisbee, Monopoly, and Sequence dotted about, and watching the A-team and eating popcorn after dinner. If you've never heard a 3-year-old white boy talk like Mr. T, we need to get together! 

My least favorite thing was trying to keep the big boys quiet while the youngest one napped. I think this has been my least favorite thing since I've had more than one child - roughly 6 years. Consequently, the thing I am most looking forward to is having the QUIET during that time, starting tomorrow.

If I could have done anything differently, I would have been more patient and less selfish (especially during those quiet times). Generally, the same things I would change at the end of every day. Does it ever get easier? Come more naturally? I'm starting to realize they stop asking so much of me before I meet my potential for selfless giving, so the best way for me to practice is to offer myself without being asked.

I wish I would have been more charitable with the neighbor boy, who would often arrive at 9am and not leave until we "kicked him out" at supper time. He had parents at home, but no siblings, and he preferred (and prefers) to be here. However, I also wish I would have been more restrictive about the amount of time he spent here. For 99% of the summer, this seemed like a contradiction to me - To be charitable and to be limiting. However, too much time lead to increased fights, boys who didn't listen as well, a messier house, and a tired husband.  I would have loved him (and my family) better if I would have limited his time here; I wouldn't have been as frustrated by his continual presence and I would have felt more in control of the environment in my home.

I hate it that I don't have a boundless supply of love to give.  I hate it that, at times, my heart feels stony and cold and little sacrifices seem huge.  But, I am not surprised.  I know I am more loving now than I was a year ago, and way more than 10 years ago.  So, I'm encouraged by the progress, but it's much harder to see moving forward.  The nearer I draw to Christ, the more love I will have to give.  Simple, but not easy.

So, here's to you and your summer report cards.  It's okay if you didn't get an A+, but I'll bet you didn't fail, either!

Dear God of All Time and Seasons, Thank you for the summer that ends today.  Thank you for the memories that we'll carry for the rest of our lives.  Thank you for the confidence gained as the boys learned they could touch the bottom in the deep end.  Thank you for letting us "go deep" and bringing us to the surface again.  Even the bubbles are trying to get to You!  Please give me the grace to be the mother that my boys need.  Please increase their desire to know and love You and to bring Your love to others.  Please keep us safe and free from harm.  You are so faithful and Your watchfulness so enduring.  Thank you.  I love you.  Amen. 

Grateful for Gratitude

A blast from the past - I'm thankful we've grown up a little since this journal entry from 2 years ago!  A grateful heart makes everything better.

July 18, 2010 - 9:15pm 

Today has been a long day…Alarm going off at 6:15 for no reason, no nursery at church, Walker throwing up in the foyer, leaving church early, Brayton crying in the parking lot from scraping his knee, Walker crying at home from hitting his head, Wyatt crying for getting his hand slapped for hitting Walker in the face with blocks…Crying, crying, crying, lunch, nap (2 hour highlight of the day, by far).  Grocery store, dinner prep, more crying by Wyatt – wanting to go outside, pulling at my legs, climbing on the kitchen table and dumping the salt all over God’s creation (for the 3^rd time in 2 days), pulling soda cans out of the pantry, glassware out of the cabinets, books off the bookshelf, clothes out of drawers, and so on.  He is really wearing me out.  Finally, eat, bathe everybody, and time to put Wyatt in bed.  Oh, hi, Grandma decided to come and visit. J  Bedtime put off for another good 30 minutes.  Good, didn’t want to get that over with too soon.  Another fight with the big boys about brushing their own teeth – they’re somehow scared in there at night and afraid of scorpions, and Daddy always does it…Wouldn’t it be weird if our pajamas were toothpaste? (Walker).  Tucked in bed, I plop on the couch for some comfort in the form of mindless TV watching, only to find Mystery Theater Masterpiece on my favorite channel.  I get up to let the dog in and Grandma’s dog charges in with him.  I trustingly let her out the front door thinking she’ll just follow me to her home.  No, she bolts in the opposite direction into our neighbor’s courtyard and I have to chase her down barefoot.  Not getting off easy tonight…except, Dozer is cleaning the pans in the kitchen, which is the extent of any cleaning happening tonight.  The tomatoes on the cutting board and the pans on the floor will be there in the morning.   

I am grateful for the overwhelming gratitude I woke up with this morning.  My cup was overflowing thinking of the blessings showered upon us by God.  Sending someone to buy our car, having a minivan in the driveway, $1500 in our pocket from the sale, food in the fridge, and everything else we could possibly need.  I’m glad I started out with such a fantastic amount of gratitude, the day could have been really bad otherwise.

Dear God, Thank you for blessing me so abundantly that there are always so many things to be grateful for.  Thank you for three-year-olds and patience gained, especially during those first couple of years of life.  Thank you for seasons in our lives.  Lord, help us to know your will and to trust you at every turn.  Help me to detach from wanting to know "What is next?"  You have taught me that self-love is responsible for that question.  Help me to take each opportunity as it comes and make the most of it.  To love well.  Please give me the grace to love You enough that I can patiently wait on You to reveal Your plans for me, and be detached enough that if You chose to keep me in the dark forever, that would be fine, too.  I want what You want.  Amen. 

Beginning Again

I am beginning again, today.  Since returning from vacation last week, I seem to have knocked over my parenting toolbox, and I can't find any of my tools!  I run out of patience an hour before the kids go to bed and I yell over things that I'm sure I have handled better at other times in my life - messy rooms, boys who hit each other and call names, laziness, bad attitudes, etc...  And, exercise has been non-existent, which may be directly correlated to the patience issue.

So, I am beginning again, today.  I "unfroze" my gym membership this morning and got my first good workout in over a month.  The consistent and motivated swimming that I started the summer with slowly ebbed away, as my boys kept hijacking my lap lane and requesting rides back and forth.  I love being with them at the pool, so I always said Yes, which is not conducive to gaining or maintaining any momentum.  So, I stopped. 

I will try to remember at the beginning of next summer that the last thing I should do is stop working out when my kids get out of school!  Duh. 

I have been trying to read Confessions by St. Augustine, but it seems so far from this summer-at-home-with-the-kids-place I'm in.  It was going great for a while, but I think I'll try again during Lent.  So, instead, I started reading another parenting book that I couldn't pass up for $1 at Half-Price Books, Parenting Your Child by the Spirit by Sally Hohnberger.  I'm hoping this is the equivalent of exercising my parenting with God muscles.  I know I've been more reactive than proactive and have not been as Christ-centered with my parenting as I should, so I am beginning again, today. 

I am going to make a list of the traits in each of my children that are not godly and what the opposite virtues are.  Then, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I am going to make a list of what their behavior would look like if the "weeds" were pulled out.  This will help me focus on replacing unwanted behavior with something better, not just eradicating it.  I realize that so much of their behavior is based on my own, so I am going to make a concerted effort to talk to God before I talk to my children, so they may guess correctly whose team I'm on - God's team.  I am beginning again, today.
 
Dear God, thank you for my children and for gym memberships.  Thank you for being our Father and for giving us detailed instructions on childrearing in Your Word.  Thank you for so many chances to begin again.  Please help me be the mother to my boys that You intended, so that they may reach their full potential in You.  Please bless all parents with wisdom, patience and kindness for their children, as our love is supposed to reflect Your love.  Amen.

Being Held Back

I recently learned that the Spiritual Direction course I've been wanting to take for a year has postponed its start date from this coming September to the Fall of 2013.  I didn't realize how much I was looking forward to this and counting on it as being my next step.  In spiritual direction yesterday, my director told me "You are being held back for some reason."  This has been apparent to me and I know it will make sense looking back, but it's a little stifling moving forward.  I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little aimless.  When I try to guess at what God is doing (which you are not supposed to do and is proof of my self-love), I can think of a lot of reasons why this might be happening:  to temper my impetuousity, increase my patience, increase my detachment to all things - including things that I believe are His will for me, increase life experience, increase and purify my desire, increase my knowledge of the spiritual life, etc...

I think I must also overcome the subtle temptation to believe I must be doing something that feels like spiritual progress to be making spiritual progress!  Ultimately, I must abandon my will to God's will and wait patiently on Him.  This is a definitive and recurring theme in my life!!

Jean-Pierre de Caussade in Abandonment to Divine Providence, has many powerful and illuminating things to say about this:

"Review your life.  Is it not composed of innumerable actions of very little importance?  Well, God is quite satisfied with these.  They are the share that the soul must take in the work of its perfection." 

"Perfection is neither more nor less than the faithful co-operation of the soul with this work of God, and is begun, grows, and is consummated in the soul unperceived and in secret."

"God makes saints as He pleases, but they are made always according to His plan, and in submission to His will."

"The docile soul will not seek to learn by what road God is conducting it."

"There cannot be anything great in us in the sight of God except our passive endurance.  Therefore let us think of it no more, let us leave the care of our sanctification to God who well knows how to effect it.  It all depends on the watchful care, and particular operation of divine Providence, and is accomplished in a great measure without our knowledge, and even in a way that is unexpected, and disagreeable to us."

"When one loves God, one does not wish to make greater progress than God wills..."

"...for nothing is so opposed to the Spirit of God and to the marks of His grace, than interior distress, produced by a too great eagerness for even the best and holiest things.  Moderate this indiscreet zeal, this too impetuous impulsiveness, and direct all your efforts to the fulfillment of the holy will of God in all things, renouncing your own will however holy and reasonable it may appear to you."

"Now you must seek, in all things, not your own satisfaction however spiritual it may be, but the perfect satisfaction of God."

Today my prayer is a modification from yet another quote in this must-read book:

Dear Heavenly Father, Do not let me think so much of my own interests; my business is to occupy myself simply and quietly with You, to accomplish Your will in all that You require at present.  That is my task, all the rest I leave to You; my progress is Your business, as mine is to busy myself for You and to obey Your orders.  Thank you for loving me.  I love you and trust your plans for my life.  Amen.

Babysitting - An Exercise in Many Virtues

This journal entry is from September 2011.  I'm including it today, because God keeps giving me opportunities to work on this thing I'm not very good at.  He keeps sending me little boys who are in desperate need of a family setting.  I often ask God for opportunites to prove my love, but don't always recognize or love the ones he sends very well.  I daresay I am making progress (with God's grace) and time.  Everything seems to be getting easier as my boys get older.

It is really hard for me to babysit (Sorry, friends - Hang with me on this one and you'll see why).  Is this a lack of charity due to selfishness?!  I hate whining, picky-eating, bad manners, lots of noise, and chaos.  Is it pride?  Because I think my kids are better than their kids?  Lack of mercy because I haven't needed their mercy (because I have an awesome mother-in-law 2 doors down)?  It steals my peace.  I feel like my plate is already full and is simply too full with more kids. 

I think I should be able to do it well - with no thought of self, without any reservations, or feelings of negativity.  It bothers me that I don't do it well, but pretend that I can.  I don't feel like I can say "No" without being uncharitable or selfish.

It requires me to be mindful of another person's state in life.  COMPASSION.  God is calling me to suffer, albeit a trifling matter, in this way.  It is suffering because I am embarassed about the way I feel about it and I wish I felt differently.  HUMILITY.  It demands more of my time, which is already so painfully little.  GENEROSITY.  It requires me to be merciful, gentle, and patient in the face of whininess, demanding natures, bad manners, and bigger messes (KINDNESS, PATIENCE, GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL).

Wow!  It is requiring of me the practice of all the virtues I pray for!!  Kindness, gentleness, patience, self-control, generosity, humility, and compassion!

Wow!  Thank you, God for this clarity.  This is the answer to the prayer I requested when I entered into Your Presence (in the Adoration Chapel, where I was writing this).

You are so merciful, generous, patient, and gentle!  Help me to be more like You!

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Note to friends - Please don't feel like you can never ask me to babysit when you are in a bind!  Clearly, you would be depriving me of an opportunity to work on many virtues that I need a lot of work in!

Note to friend, Janet - You amaze me that you always have kids with you that are not your own.  You take it all in stride and I can see that God gives you this grace.  Thank you for your example in living this generosity so well!

Waiting on the Lord

March 27, 2012

I am trying to wait patiently on the Lord.  I want to bring Him many, many souls.  I want them to console Him with me.  However, I think He's purifying my impetuousity by having greater opportunities on hold, especially the path to becoming a spiritual director!!  I desire this so much and yet it always eludes me and seems just beyond my grasp.  Dear God, if it is your will that I become a spiritual director, please confirm this for me.  If not, please remove the desire.  I love you and unite my will to yours.

From Abandonment to Divine Providence-

"What you want, my dear sister, is to find support and comfort in yourself and your good works.  Well, this is precisely what God does not wish, and what He cannot endure in souls aspiring after perfection.  What?!  Lean upon yourself?  Count on your works?  Could self-love, pride, and perversity have a more miserable fruit?"