Chick Fil A-nniversary

Today is our 21st wedding anniversary. If our marriage wanted to publicly consume alcohol, it may legally do so now. And I think it may.

But not today. Today our marriage wants to celebrate by staying in and eating this. Pictured together, but eaten separately.

My husband of 21 years is sick with one of those bugs going around. But I dressed up for work just in case he was feeling better and wanted to go to dinner when I got home. He was willing but common sense prevailed. 

I gave him his gift in the plastic bag I brought it home in, changed into my sweats, and thought about what I would make of this anniversary with no flowers, dressing up, or dinner out. After shrugging off disappointment and completing a quick mental review of other disappointments (because we do that, don’t we?), I will tell you my conclusion is different than ever before. 

It’s different because yesterday my grief support group for spouses learned that one of our newest members took her life. She missed her husband so desperately and could not imagine living even one more day without him. She received ongoing and tireless love and support from our members: Phone calls, texts, visits at her house and theirs, lunches, dinners, and walks with people who have been there and are there—and yet we could not take away the one choice she chose.

Today, we grieve together and ask ourselves all of the same questions. What a comfort we receive in one another as we face the limits of our power but never, ever our love.

Marriage is not Hallmark movies and walks on the beach. At least not always or even most of the time.

Sometimes it is being left behind and losing yourself afterward. Sometimes it is weeks (months?) of ships-passing-in-the-night dotted by fleeting moments of profound connection. Sometimes it is caregiving or being disappointed. Sometimes it is splitting up so you can cart kids to different places at different times on different planets. Sometimes it is being grateful for Alzheimer’s disease because it gave you the opportunity to be together 24/7 for 15 years, along with the realization that without it you would still have been working (and apart). Sometimes it is years of living together followed by years of living alone. And sometimes it is eating chicken noodle soup by yourself from a cardboard bowl on your 21st anniversary. 

When you do life with married people who have been left behind by their spouse, you’re grateful for however you can get it. You know how profoundly interwoven two lives can become and you know how separation leaves every thread bare and aching. 

And because you know this, you can be content on a rainy anniversary—knowing that not grieving the one you love is gift enough. Except when you’re wishing for a little bit more, at which time you can remember he de-bones the chicken every time without being asked and a hundred other things just like it, because he loves you every day and not just on the special ones.

Love Is...

Love is…

Everything.  Never ends.  Forever.  Taking care of him when he can’t take care of himself.  Strength to do what you need to do.  A need.  Learning to love in a different way.  God-given…We love because He first loved us. 

These are good descriptions of love.  But, they gain a shocking amount of power when you meet the ones who spoke them.   Ones who continue to learn daily about a “love stronger than death.”  Widows and widowers.

 They have suffered the deep and unrelenting pain of losing a spouse.  And they would do it again.  100% of them would do it again.  They understand grief as the price of love and they are willing to pay it. 

“Ask any young man in love if the suffering that he has known is worth the hour that it has brought him to, or if he would now forego his love to be exempt from future sorrow.  It is not necessary for me to tell you his answer.  Suppose that God gave every man the choice between a world in which there was no suffering, but also no capacity for love, or a world in which suffering remains, but everyone has the power to love.  Which do you think mankind would choose?  Which would you choose?  Quite certainly the power to love, even at the cost of suffering.” – Caryll Houselander

These men and women inspire and embolden as they live out their answers with their unanimous and resounding YES.

 They show up weekly to profess their love for their spouse and the depth of their grief, which is its only equal.  They take chances on sharing these most-sacred-of-things with strangers who quickly become friends.  Safe friends.  Because they know. 

Through the eyes of the only person in the room who has not experienced the devastating and life-altering loss of a spouse, I marvel at them.  I do not know.  And they let me come, anyway.  They welcome me and love me, even. 

 I tell them they are my personal superheroes, and I mean it.  They have lived through one of my worst fears and continue to find and take their next steps, all while not knowing how.  They are the embodiment of courage, resilience, and incredible faith.

 They teach me how to keep going when you don’t feel like it.  They show me how to offer and receive lunch invitations.  They model how to start, build, celebrate, and sustain friendships.  They take chances on people, and they remind me it is the little things that represent the greatest of loves.  A dirty cup lid, because your husband used to wash it, an empty passenger’s seat where your road-trip partner used to be, and a red shop rag in the back pocket of a pair of overalls tell the tale. 

 Happy Valentine’s Day to all who continue to celebrate a love stronger than death.  Your love continues to make the world a better place.  Thank you for sharing it so generously.  May you continue to love well and be loved well, in return.  God be with you. 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis

 

 

 

 

Digging Down to the Rainbow Tree

After the death of George Floyd, racial tension, righteous anger, civil unrest, and division have spread across our country.  For me, my 5-year-old neighbor, Amy, C.T. Fletcher, and Louis Armstrong remind me of how things are supposed to be.

Amy painted this picture several weeks ago and told her grandparents, “This is a rainbow tree.  If you touch the rainbow tree, you love everyone.  A long, long time ago, before you, Grammy and Granddad, when I was a baby, I dug down to the rainbow tree and touched it.  That’s why I love everyone.  I touched the blue.  That’s why I have blue eyes.”

Amy’s story reminds me of a book by Betty Eadie, entitled Embraced by the Light, which recounts her near-death experience.  In it, she talks about our existence as souls before we’re given earthly bodies and missions.  Maybe it was during that time when Amy dug down to the rainbow tree?  And maybe when I touched the blue, too?  Since my eyes are blue?  Thank you, Amy.  Your rainbow tree is my favorite.

C.T. Fletcher is a famous 60-year-old weightlifter, world record holder for bench press, actor, personal trainer, and so on.  His nickname is Superman and he looks like this…

Last year, at age 59, Mr. Fletcher required a heart transplant due to an inherited heart condition.  He learned after surgery that he was given a woman’s heart.  An “old woman’s” heart.  She was the same age he was.  Not only that, but it was too small.  When he questioned the doctors about why they did that to him, they simply replied that they wanted him to live.

Well, that “too small” heart grew into the right size in a week’s time.  Unsure of what’s normal, he considers it a miracle and credits God with that…

He says he has “no idea of the nationality or race of the donor of his heart”, but he has feelings and would really like to know if his feelings are right…He believes she is an Asian lady and says, “I feel like I can see this woman with her husband and kids.  It’s like I can look into her existence, her life.”

He notices he has lost his ability to hate and often talks to his “lady” friend and asks her for help.  “I talk to her a lot... “Come on lady, I need your help.”

So, Mr. C.T. Fletcher, “Superman from Compton with a lady’s heart”,  reminds us that even our hearts are interchangeable, and God can grow them into the right size.

As the Vietnam War wore on and race riots were spreading through our country in the late 1960’s, What a Wonderful World was released.  In response to the question, “What do you mean, what a wonderful world?”  Louis Armstrong said, “Seems to me, it ain’t the world that’s so bad, but what we’re doing to it, and all I’m saying is:  see what a wonderful world it would be, if only we’d give it a chance.  Love, baby – love.  That’s the secret.”

May God grant us the love and wisdom of a certain 5-year-old, an increase of faith, the perspective of C.T. Fletcher and anyone living with another’s heart, unwavering hope, and lots and lots of rainbow trees.  Amen.  

Forgotten Good

I've been thinking about forgotten good for awhile now.  A couple of months, I guess.  This little envelope secretly taped to the inside of my bathroom cabinet is what started it all.

"Do something good with this."  To Mom.  This was one of four such envelopes containing some money of his own, placed in hidden places by my 10-year-old.  Each one was addressed to a different member of the family, including the brother he fights with the most, "even though he didn't deserve it".

My envelope held $2.00 in quarters.  This from a boy who will do anything for $2.00.  I actually just opened it this morning to examine the contents, for the sake of this post.  It has been too precious to disturb til now.

When I asked my son what prompted this unexpected and generous action, he told me that it was an idea from a book.

A book he received two years ago for his First Communion that only this summer's boredom inspired him to open.  A book I'm positive has long been forgotten by those who gave it, one of whom is no longer here to give.

Forgotten good.  

But, not on June 13th.

Fourth of July rolled around and my sister's mother-in-law pulled me aside.  (We normally laugh about her stint working at a library where she never actually worked, except in my mind, in which case she worked there for years, and which I repeatedly asked her about when I saw her!)  

Only this time, she let me know in all seriousness how appreciative she was of a note I wrote her years ago on November 27, 2012.  A note which holds an esteemed place in her Bible with few other things so precious.  Whaaaa?

Of course, I didn't remember the note, much less the contents.  She sent me a picture to jog my memory and I was very glad that I had, indeed, written such a note.  I was also pretty sure I was smarter when I wrote it than I am now.  

Forgotten good.

During my time at home, I visited the Chamber of Commerce of my hometown, asking after a poster advertising their famous fireworks.  The overworked lady said they were all posted, with none to give now, but took my name and address down on a post-it note with a promise to send one after the Fourth, when things settled down.

I'd forgotten my request by the day's end until just a few days ago when I received it in the mail.  And now, I will remember her kindness always as it hangs on my wall, when she will have long forgotten it.  

Forgotten good.

A couple of days ago, at the bedside of a woman leaving this life, her friends and family shared stories of what they loved about her, including her love of shopping. 

Among her purchases was a cross which currently hangs in her friend's home.  It was surreptitiously bought on a trip they took together. The friend fell in love with it, but left it unpurchased.  When they arrived back home, the woman pulled it out of her suitcase and gave it to her.  She was dumbfounded and overjoyed, and cherishes it still.  Maybe now more than ever. 

The story went uncorroborated by the giver, who could no longer say.  But if I had to guess, probably forgotten.  

When our earthly life comes to a close and a future is no longer available, the past becomes a treasury to be exhausted.  And I can't help but wonder if one of the many joys of heaven is a great remembering of the forgotten good.    

I Want to Die Gambling

I attended my sixth annual silent retreat last weekend.  When challenged to boil three days of silence into one word, "gambler" was the one that rose to the top for me.  28 women circled up and went around in turn, sharing our word.  I was last.  The ladies before me chose words like love, trust, Father, serenity, remember, and silence.  When I said "gambler", everyone laughed.  Until I explained...

At one point, the priest leading the retreat described God as a gambler - one who knowingly takes risks.  Giving free will for the possibility of love was risky.  God did it anyway.  Love has to be freely given to be true.  Loving first with no guarantee of being loved in return is risky.  But, we're called to do it anyway.  I want to be a gambler.  Not ignorant, or in denial of the risks involved, but fully aware and choosing to love - without reservation, anyway.

If my love isn't received or returned, I have my explanation standing ready.  "It could have gone either way.  I knew it was risky."

I recently attended a funeral for a gentleman I've gotten to know over the last several months.  His wife told me once that she was a "fool for love" after sharing some of what she had suffered in her marriage, and yet she stayed - until death do us part.  I admire her foolishness.

During the service, a family member got up to speak, "We come from a long line of slaves and sharecroppers..."

I hope my face didn't reveal the shockwaves I felt within.  I've never heard words like these directly, nor been anywhere this was true for most of the people in the room, nor been anywhere I was the only white person, and yet, there I was - Stopped cold by the hard truth and the stark differences between our stories, our skin color, and our ability to worship without restraint.  Every worship service I've attended prior to this one is pale by comparison.  (I don't know where that phrase came from, but I have a new appreciation for it, for sure.)

No matter our skin color and our earthly heritage, our spiritual heritage is identical.  We were created to love and be loved, freely and fully.  If we are slaves for love, it is because we've freely chosen it.  We've come from the Father and are returning to the Father, just like Christ.  As we were reminded on retreat, this is our foundation, and an unshakeable one.  Our identity and our security is in Who we belong to.  Can I get an Amen?!

I came from the Father and have come into the world; again, I am leaving the world and going to the Father.                                      -John 16:28

In between this coming into and leaving the world, we pray.  Sometimes more.  Sometimes less.  Sometimes, we even write these prayers down.  And more often, we forget that we've ever prayed them.  But, every once in a while, we rediscover them, and realize that our forgotten prayers have been answered, at least in part.  And we thank God.

Now I lay me down to sleep.

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

And if I should die before I wake, 

I pray a gambler of me you make.  

Amen.

Your Value, Power, and Responsibility

This week I had the privilege of "bringing the message" to the hospital's weekly praise and worship service.  Seems funny for a Catholic girl, especially when three of the audience of nine were pastors of their own churches, as well as my fellow chaplains, but nevertheless...  In light of a few posts I've seen on Facebook and the fallout that comes with not feeling good enough, I thought I'd share the message with you.  The following is an amalgamation of Scripture, personal thoughts, and favorite quotes.  In case you've forgotten, or have never known your personal value and power, I invite you to know and/or remember...

I.  Value – Why do we have value?  Because we are made in the image and likeness of God and He loves us.

Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female He created them."

Our value simply is.  It cannot be increased by our good works, nor decreased by our sins because we aren’t the ones who distribute this value.  God does. 

John 3:16  "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life."

1John4:10  "In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the expiation of our sins."

Mark 10:21:  (When the man asked Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life and he replied that he had honored the commandments that Jesus listed) “Jesus looking upon him loved him.”

If being loved by God isn’t enough proof of our value, where else can we find it?  How do we know we have value?  We’ll look at just a few verses from Scripture to capture how critical it is to Him that we know this:

Jeremiah 29:11  "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Matthew 12:11-12  “He said to them, “What man of you, if he has one sheep and it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will not lay hold of it and lift it out?  Of how much more value is a man than a sheep!...”

Luke 12:22-24  “And he said to his disciples, therefore I tell you , do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat, nor about your body, what you shall put on.  For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.  Consider the ravens:  they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them.  Of how much more value are you than the birds!"

John 4:10  “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink, ‘you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.'”

The gift of God is His Love.  Because of it, we are HOLY.CHOSEN.BELOVED.FORGIVEN.

How do we stay in this truth?  We spend time in God’s word, in the classroom of silence where He speaks, in communion with fellow believers, and seeking all of the other ways He reveals Himself to us (sacraments, nature, music, fill in the blank__________...)

We must also consider ourselves loveable and love ourselves, in turn.  On the continuum of self-love, there is a broad spectrum.  At one end is self-loathing.  There’s a lot of that going on.  At the other end is self-love based on what we’ve done or some other false value.  We don’t want to be found at either end of this spectrum.  We want to be somewhere in the middle.  We want to live in the place where God loves us from, recognizing our value because He gave it to us.

Mark 12:28-31 "One of the scribes asked “Which commandment is the first of all?  Jesus answered, “The first is, ‘Hear, O Israel:  The Lord our God, the Lord is one; and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.  The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’  There is no other commandment greater than these.”

“It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself.  It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable.  It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things…”  Jo Coudert, American writer

Can you imagine Christ calling you by name?  He does it throughout Scripture and He does it with you.  Continually.  Close your eyes and try to imagine it.  If you cannot, it would be a good thing to practice until you can.  We need to live in this reality… 

II.  Power -Do you understand the power you already have as a baptized child of God?  

2 Peter 1:3-4 “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, that through these you may escape from corruption that is in the world because of passion, and become partakers of the divine nature.” 

Ephesians 3:20  “Now to Him who by the power at work within us is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think…”

 

By the way, this is the same power that created the universe...

 

III.  Responsibility – If we understand our value as children of God and the power He makes available to us, what are we called to do about it?   

A.  Our first responsibility is not to underestimate it!  Fr. Iain Matthew in Impact of God says in one of my favorite quotes, ever:

 

 “Survival demands a certain skepticism.  We are trained to cope as social beings by keeping our desires within realistic limits.  But where God is concerned, the problem lies in our desiring too little, and growing means expanding our expectations or rather, making His generosity, not our poverty, the measure of our expectations.” 

“It seems that each of us creates either heaven or hell on earth for those around us, by what we say and do, by what is in our hearts.  We have the power to bring division and pain, or to bring peace and joy.”

-Susan Conroy 

I’m reading a book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn.  It says that for those of us going to Heaven, life on this earth is as close as we’ll ever get to hell.  On the one hand, “Duh”.  But, on the other, "Wow."  Doesn’t this reality make the bad a little more bearable?  Conversely, for those going to hell, this life is as close as they will get to Heaven.  Gulp.  We have the power on earth to create these earthly heaven and hells for each other.

 “Each time anyone comes in contact with us, they must become different and better people because of having met us.  We must radiate God’s love.”  - Mother Teresa

I am only one, but I am one.

I cannot do everything, but I can do something,

And what I should do and can do,

I will do.

-Author unknown  

Dear God of Scripture and Lover of Souls,

 

Thank you for the opportunity to know you through Your Word, for pursuing your people, and for making yourself known throughout all of history.  Please convict us of Your love!  Help us rest in it.  Show us the value and power we have because of it.  Grant us the grace to make Your generosity the measure of our expectation!  Grant us the light to know Your will and the courage to do it.  Amen.

 

 

Lust In the Light

Disclaimer:  Neither my husband's character or actions have anything to do with this post.  He is an incredible husband, father, and man striving to do God's will, and he has never broken my trust.  In fact, what started my thinking on this subject, are the incredible strides he's making in his spiritual life.  His courage gave me the courage to think about temptations he might be facing.  However, I am imperfect, which means I love imperfectly, too.  In this case, I am too attached to him, and take him (and all that happens in his life) too personally.  His only connection is that he married me. 

[Those whose joy is unpossessive of things] have nothing in their heart, but possess everything with greater liberty (2Cor. 6:10); the others, insofar as they possess things with attachment, neither have nor possess anything.  Rather their heart is held by things and they suffer as a captive...and spend all their time going to and from about the snare to which their heart is tied."  Ascent of Mt. Carmel, St. John of the Cross (AMC)

So, because I'd rather not share these thoughts, and it might also be helpful for you, I must.  The prayer at the end of my Gospel reflection this morning convicted me of that.  "Lord Jesus, open my eyes to the revelation of your healing presence and saving word.  Help me to walk according to your truth and to not stumble in the darkness of sin.  May I help others find your healing light and saving presence."

That's pretty much it.  I'm stumbling, and I want my stumbling to be fruitful - for myself, for my husband, and for all who can relate to anything written here.  I'm stumbling around this not-so-little thing called lust.  But, it's not my own lust that's the problem, it's the idea of it.  The idea of a spouse (mine, in particular) lusting after another.  I don't fully understand it, and I never see it, but the following passage treats my curiosity about it...

"Bernard [of Clairvaux] reminds us that is was curiosity that led to the Fall originally, and speaks of Eve. 'Why are you always glancing at it [the forbidden fruit]?  What is the good looking at what you are forbidden to eat?...For when you are looking intently at something, the serpent slips into your heart and coaxes you.  He leads on your reason with flattery; he awakes your fear with lies...He increases your interest while he stirs up your greed.  He sharpens your curiosity while he prompts your desire.  He offers what is forbidden and takes away what is given.  He holds out an apple and snatches away paradise.'"  On the Steps of Humility and Pride by B. Clairvaux, as quoted in The Fulfillment of All Desire, by Ralph Martin

I think it is easy for me to dwell on lust for three reasons:  It is extremely private so it rarely makes its way into conversation.  I'm insecure.  My love needs to be purified.

Thinking about lust (when I am neither the lust-er or the lust-ed) leaves me feeling deceived and betrayed, but this is just the beginning.  I allow it to exert power over me, and the relationships in my life because:
1.  I can't change the emotions or actions of another.
2.  It allows me to feel superior and sit in judgment.
3.  It creates emotional distance.
4.  It encourages me to characterize a person only by their fault, and rob them of their dignity.
5.  I'm equally enslaved by my reaction to their fault, as much as the other may be by the sin itself.
6.  It binds my love.  "They cannot rejoice in them [those they love]if they hold them with possessiveness, for this is a care that, like a trap, holds the spirit to earth, and does not allow wideness of heart."  - AMC
7.  It has me breaking 8 of the 15 rules on Mother Teresa's humility list, which you can find here, if you're interested: http://panhandlefranciscans.blogspot.com/2012/05/mother-teresas-humility-list.html

Last night, I finished reading Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurdard, in preparation for my upcoming silent retreat.  The main character is Much-Afraid, and at the end, she makes some pretty awesome revelations about her journey.  This Much-Afraid did, too.

"Therefore, I begin to think, my Lord, You purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed...that is the only satisfactory way of dealing with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible overcoming it with good."

"They [her ugly Fearing cousins] were indwelt and tormented by their different besetting [something that is tempting, harassing, or assailing you] sins and ugly natures, just as she had been by her fears...She could scarcely bear the thought, yet for so many years she had not only feared, but condemned them, had actually 'disdained their misery', telling herself it was their own fault...Yes, she, detestable, fear-enslaved Much Afraid had actually dared to disdain them for the things which made them so wretched and ugly when she herself was equally wretched and enslaved."

So, where's the good that comes from lust?  Maybe it's in this post.  Maybe it's the dim light shed on a subject which loves to dwell in the darkness.  Maybe it's just the good that it has done me to spell-it-out, and the humility I've gained by doing so.  Maybe the good is something that I can't perceive or know nothing about.  Maybe the good is that "perfection consists in fighting against [imperfections]." ~St. Francis de Sales.  Or maybe it is all of these things. 

Dear Heavenly Father,  Thank you for this gorgeous day, and endless reasons to praise you.  Please forgive me for my sins, most especially for sitting in judgment of another, reducing another to their faults, and being enslaved by something other than love.  Lord, please draw near to those who struggle with lust and intercede for those who are affected by it.  You know our intimate struggles.    You have promised that there is always a way out, if we desire it.  Please give us the grace to desire a way out, and to forgive ourselves and others when we fail.  Make us love you more and more, and our neighbor, for love of You.  Amen.

Living Paycheck-To-Paycheck In a Little House at Christmastime

It's Christmastime.  Lots of beautiful pictures of beautiful people in beautiful places.  There are Christmas parties, well-lit trees, fires in fireplaces, and drinks for all.

Unless there isn't...

Without any direct proof, I suspect a large majority of us live paycheck-to-paycheck.  I also suspect that most of us feel poorer at Christmas than at any other time.  When you live paycheck-to-paycheck, a Wish list is your nightmare and a credit card's dream, and if you're not lucky enough to have good credit, it's simply a list of Things-I-Don't-Have-Enough-Money-to-Buy (which really isn't helpful any time of the year).  It's all-too-easy to look around and wish you lived in one of those big, beautiful houses with endless presents under the tree (that are already paid off).  And, if you succumb to your looking around, you allow yourself a long ride on the one-way swing from the "Have" to the "Have-Not" tree.

But, wait.  If you happen to be poor this Christmas, just barely making it, or one of those who thinks everyone else's Christmas is bigger, more beautiful, more Christmas-y, or more perfect than yours, venture with me to my childhood mind, for just a minute... 

I have never lived in a big house by American standards, but have only lived in mansions if you're from any other country on the planet.  As a little girl, I remember dreaming about dormer windows and a house with an upstairs.  I loved the thought of a big house, and the idea of all of those rooms, although I couldn't figure out (and still can't) what they might all be used for.  I have never lived in a house that had a room that wasn't used every day, but, I remember driving by big, beautiful houses, and wondering "What is going on in there?" and thinking, "It must be wonderful, whatever it is."     

However, I've grown up, and have spent some time considering what it is that drew me to those big, beautiful houses.  And, I've discovered it!  I always assumed there was more love in a big house.  I imagined something delicious baking in the oven, and someone who took the time to make it.  I imagined a group of people around a table, smiling and laughing (Ironically, all in one room).  I imagined the thoughts, the words, the interactions, the food, and everything in between,  to be beautiful and full of love.  

Pope John Paul II quoted Dostoevsky when he wrote, "Beauty will save the world."  I think I have learned why beauty is so powerful.  It is because someone cares enough to make an effort.  Beauty is the product of Love.  Whether it is the flowers that someone cares enough to water, the cookies someone cares enough to bake, or the decorations that someone cares enough to hang; the love and the someone behind it is where the real attraction is. 

I can still appreciate looking at a big, beautiful house, but I would no longer trade it for my own.  I now know that the someone(s) inside are the real source of my interest.  Scraping by or filthy rich, little house or big house, I have someone.  Many, in fact.  And if I continue with my suspicions, I suspect you do, too.  Celebrate with me, if you have even one person who loves you.  And read this poem any time the world tricks you into thinking you are poor.  Especially if you are living paycheck-to-paycheck in a little house at Christmastime...

If all the world were mine to plunder

I'd be content with just one town,

And in that town, one house alone,

And in that house, one single room,

And in that room, one cot only,

For there, asleep, is the one I love.

-Ancient Sanskrit Poem 

Dear God the Father, Thank you for sending Baby Jesus in His humanity.  Thank you, Mary, for saying "Yes".  Thank you, Joseph, for stepping in and stepping up.  Thank you, Jesus, for being born in a stable.  Not in a mansion.  Not in your own little house.  Not even a room in the inn.  Thank you for showing us that "love grows best in little houses".  Strengthen us as we guard our eyes, that we may not look away from the blessings in our life for any reason, least of all to look longingly at ways you've blessed another.  Please give us the grace to be that someone who strives to make the effort to love, and add beauty to the lives of those around us.  Thank you for those who do this continually, and for their example.  Please be with those who don't have even one by whom they know they are loved.  Let them be known and sought after.  Thank you for the wealth you've given us in those we love.  You know we would not trade them for any amount of money.  God bless us all - the poor who are poor, the poor who are rich, the rich who are rich, and the rich who are poor.  Amen.

Because I Love God, I Love His Will Above All Else

Today's post is a summary of last Friday's Morning of Reflection, hosted by the women of Regnum Christi, for all women.  Members of Regnum Christi hold eight core convictions.  The topic, "Because I love God, I love His will above all else" is one of them.  I will do my best to weave the thread through my notes, so that you may reap the benefit of the content. 

Our first speaker was consecrated woman, Almudena F. Blanco.  She shared her personal challenges in responding to the Lord's call to the consecrated life.  She highlighted the need for courage, patience, and the ability to swim in the unknown...

Think of all the things we do to show our spouse that we love them.  Watch football even though we're not interested?  Make what they like to eat even though we don't like it?  The list goes on.

I love God's will because He loves me...

Ask yourself, "How much does God love me?  How does God love me?"  Stay here.  Don't rush.  God loves us in an infinite number of ways.  It takes time to ponder them...

"If you love me, show me..."  How many times do we say this?  But, how can we respond when God challenges us this way?

We can start by keeping the Ten Commandments.  The basics.  By not offending God.
Absence of sin is actually no more than the indispensable condition for the life of grace...It would be a tasteless insult to think that to love someone means only to abstain from offending him.

Live the question, "Is this pleasing to God?"  Choose the greatest good.  God's will is about the daily surrender; not just the big things.  We have to trust those we love.  God included.

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, the son whom he thought would never come.  Abraham was willing to do it because he trusted his God completely.  He withheld nothing.

We have to be careful to resist the temptation to demand a prompt answer, when we finally muster the courage to ask God what He wants from us.  We might lose our courage or feel faint at the thought of cultivating patience, but me must wait on Him as long as He deems it necessary.  Avoid "Answer me, now!" as much as possible.

In the unknown, we are like swimmers in the open water with no sense of where or how far away the land is.  All we can do is keep afloat.  Try not to drown.  God says, "Trust me."  By keeping afloat, we are building spiritual muscle.  We may think we are ready for a prompt answer, but God knows best.  We often need more time to prepare ourselves to do His work.

God is painting the picture of our lives.  Sometimes, He uses colors that we don't like.  "Not black!  Anything but black!"  And we try to dodge the paintbrush.  But, of course, we lack the perspective of the final work.  We're too close to it.  We need to trust The Artist.

Can we join Pope Clement XI in his prayer to God when he says...

I want whatever you want,
because you want it,
the way you want it,
as long as you want it.

Personal Reflection
1.  What has been my last experience of the love of God in my life?
2.  How am I able to recognize God's will in my life?  How does it manifest concretely?
3.  How can I be more sensitive and open to God's will?
4.  What are the main obstacles to following God's will in my life?

Our second speaker was Fr. Michael Sullivan, L.C..  He shared many stories, some from his life and some from others.  I am not re-telling those stories, but simply providing an overview of the main points those stories made.  The stories themselves are too funny or magnificent to be watered down here.

His points (more or less) were as follows:

God's will is better than you think!

Wisdom is the gift given to those who possess charity, according to St. Thomas Aquinas.  Wisdom is seeing things as God sees them. 

Faith is knowing God, and God's "stuff".
Hope is loving God for my sake.
Charity is doing (loving) God for God's sake.

We reach Charity through Hope.

God does not give you any desire He doesn't want to fill.  When you seek happiness, You seek God's will for you.  St. Thomas More (prior to his execution) said something like, "God's will is always good, no matter how bad it may seem."

Case studies for heroic Hope and Faith:

Ernest Shackleton -attempted to cross the Antarctic continent in 1914 and subsequently struggled for survival with his twenty-eight man crew for almost two years, as detailed in Endurance:  Shackleton's Incredible Voyage by Alfred Lansing.

Declan Brown - Died from cancer of the spine, wearing the cassock of a novice at age 14, per his request (after obtaining special dispensation).   As his mother sat at his bedside one day, Declan said to her “Mom I’m a priest.” His mother responded “No Declan, you’re not a priest yet.” Declan insisted, “Mom I’m a priest.” She replied again “No Declan, you’re not a priest. You’ve just received the uniform to begin your training for becoming a priest.” Declan explained “Mom, Christ was a priestly victim when he was suffering on the cross. I’m suffering with Christ on the cross now, so I am a priest.” (Excerpt from Thanksgiving in a Whole New Way by Fr. Michael Patrick Moriarty)

Sinners' sufferings are sterile, useless, and vain.  Saints' sufferings are fruitful and eternal.

Something can be hoped for when it is:
1.  Good
2.  Difficult
3.  In the future
4.  Possible

We travel through hope to faith to love.  The opposite of hope is despair.

The height of immaturity is "The world revolves around me."  The height of maturity is empathy.

When we are faced with those whom we find most difficult to love, imagine them as a child in Mary's lap.  Pray for that kind of love.

In Marriage and Holy Orders, if holiness is gained, it is through service to others.

It all boils down to "Be not afraid, because I will be with you."

Personal Reflection:
1.  What has God done in my life?
2.  What have I ever given to God and regretted it?!

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for mornings of reflection.  Thank you for the priests, consecrated women, and all of the lay people of Regnum Christi who sacrifice personally to make them happen.  Thank you for the people whose stories encourage and strengthen us long after they've gone to join You.  Please bless all who made the effort to attend, those who wanted to but couldn't, and those who know nothing of the sort.  Please increase our hope, so that one day, we may pass from loving You for our sake to loving You for Your sake.  Please forgive us for our impatience and all of the other obstacles we place in Your way.  Increase our faith.  Help us to love Your will above all else, because we love You.  Please give us the grace to want whatever you want, because you want it, the way you want it, as long as you want it.  Amen.

Top 10 List of God's Love for Me

I attended a morning of reflection on Friday morning, and was asked for my notes afterward by a couple of friends.  I saw several women holding babies (which makes it difficult to take notes), knew several people who wanted to be there but couldn't, and know there are far more who can't come than who can, so this is for you.  Following, are my notes based on Fr. Michael Sullivan's talk entitled Top 10 List of God's Love for Me.  He has graciously given his permission and shorthand outline for the cause.  It is not as visually tidy as I'd like.  Apparently, blogger doesn't believe in the tab button, and the space bar forgets its job on the left margin.  But, in spite of that, I hope to render justice to all that he covered, and that it will bless you as it blessed me.  

You need to run in such a way so as to win.  Win what?  Two letters on the front of your name when you die.  S and T.  For me, it would look like this:  St. Heidi.  Here's hoping...

Do you not know that the runners in the stadium all run in the race, but only one wins the prize?  Run so as to win.  Every athlete exercises discipline in every way.  They do it to win a perishable crown, but we an imperishable one.  1 Corinthians 9:24-25

1.  God's love is needed.
     Example:  A knowing shepherd removes a grass seed imbedded in one of his sheep's eyes.  It could not remove it on its own, nor could any of its fellow sheep.

2.  God's love is defined.
      Love is willing a good for another for their own sake.  It is not a friendship of pleasure or utility, but of virtue.   Christ loved us: 
a.  First. 
b.  Gratuitously (while we were still sinners).
c.  In deed (by dying on the Cross).

3.  God's love is gratuitous (undeserved, unmerited, and unearned) and reconciling.
     Example:  Many times God holds our hand and leads us by His grace.  But, as with St. Paul, there are times we receive the fullness of God's grace in an instant.  God meets us where we are, in whatever state of sinfulness we are in, and leads us out.

4.  God's love is life-changing.
     Example:  St. Therese of Lisieux:  On the stairwell of her home, after an encounter with her father which saddened her, St. Therese explains a definitive change within her, one she could not effect for herself, though she had tried for years.  Her explanation of it was something like this, "I felt charity enter into my heart, the need to forget myself and to please others, and I have been happy ever since."

5.  God's love is un-begrudging and forgetful.
     Example:  Peter.  Peter denied knowing Jesus three times between His agony in the garden and His scourging at the pillar.  He denied Him at a time when Jesus most needed a friend.  Jesus was crucified, buried, and resurrected before they met again.   The risen Christ simply asks Peter three times, "Do you love me?  There were no harsh words spoken or explanation demanded.  Only love.

6.  God's love is unpredictable and uncontrollable.
     Example:  After a lifetime of praying for his father's conversion and reconciliation with God, Fr. Michael got a call that his father was ill.  Their time together (40 days and 40 nights) began with Fr. Michael giving his father the Sacraments of Reconciliation, the Eucharist, and Anointing of the Sick, per his father's request. 

7.  God's love defines us.
     Example:  John - The Beloved Disciple. 
*When you're all-powerful, you make stuff you like. 
*Hell exists because of God's love - He loves our freedom as much as He loves us.
*When God stops thinking about you, you stop breathing.

8.  God's love is shown in its effects.
     It is obvious.  If you know someone who has joy, peace, and compassion, they are probably "in relationship" with God, and experience His Love.

9.  God's love is grown in. 
      The best way to grow is to look at your sins (But, only as a catapult to God's mercy!), and look at God's goodness. 
*Think of your love for God as a flame on the wick of your soul.  All flames are different heights.  Venial sins do nothing to shorten the height of our flame, but they increase our threshold for sin. When our threshold for sin increases, we are more likely to commit a mortal sin, which extinguishes the flame.  A hiking analogy:  There is no harm in walking near the edge of a cliff.  However, if you fall off, the question begs to be answered, "Why were you so close to the edge?" 

10.  God's love is vulnerable/delicate.
       Our sin causes this.  Example:  God, as our friend, picks up the phone and calls us.  The call goes something like this:  God:  "Hey!  Do you want to come over and play today?!"
                                  Us:  "No.  I don't want to come over and play today."
                                  God:  "Oh.  Okay (disappointed).  I'll call you again later."
*If we continually say "No" to God's call, our conscience dulls, and we stop hearing the phone ring.

Points to consider:  Is there a façade, an unmet neediness, or addiction in my life that makes me unavailable to God or others? 

What are ways in which I have been loved?  List them...  (Have an ample supply of paper)

Suggested Reading: The Voices of the Saints, Bert Ghezzi
Testimony of Hope, Cardinal Nguyen Van Thuan
Simon, Son of John, Do You Love Me?, Encyclical by Pope Benedict XVI
Summa Theologica, St. Thomas Aquinas

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for this GORGEOUS weather.  Thank you for the gift of Yourself at Mass this morning.  Thank you for the morning of reflection, and my Regnum Christi sisters who put it on.  Thank you for Fr. Michael's availability, wisdom, and zeal for souls.  Thank you for my friend, Janet, who gave a beautiful testimony of God's everlasting love, and the way she has experienced it in her life.  Please bless all of the people who read this blog, and lead them closer to Yourself.  And if that happens, thanks for letting me help!  Amen. 

Fear, Hope, or Love - The Reasons for Every Action Since the Beginning of Time

Fear.  Hope.  Love. 

One of these three things motivate every action of our life.  They dictate how we suffer interiorly, and how we treat others.  They are often very hidden, but the absence of clamor doesn't nullify their existence or change their power.  If anything dictates everything in my life, I want to know about it.  I like to know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.  If you don't have clarity about what you're doing, it is impossible to act with purity.  Purity of intention is acknowledging and removing all selfish intent when performing an action, and doing it for love alone.

To do good to others in the hope that, in turn, our Lord will be good to you is a supernatural motive, even if it is self-centered.  To do good to others with the consciousness that Christ asks it of you is less egoistic.  To do good to others because you are convinced that Christ will consider it as having been done to Him personally is a sign of pure love of God.  To do good to others because you can please God, and you want to give Him the best you can, is perfect love of God.
The Hidden Power of Kindness, Lawrence G. Lovasik

Fr. Lovasik didn't refer to doing good to others to avoid going to hell, but it is a possible motivation nonetheless.  In the same way, fear, hope, and love dictate our response to suffering in our lives.

According to Rt. Rev. Dom Lehodey in Holy Abandonment, there are three degrees of conformity to God's will in response to suffering:

In the first degree, we have no desire for suffering; in fact, we avoid it as much as possible.  However, we are willing to endure it if it is the only way that we can avoid committing a fault [for fear of condemnation].

In the second degree, we don't wish for suffering, but when it comes, we accept it and endure it willingly because we know that suffering is a part of God's plan for us.  We have a love of suffering, but this love is only a consequence of our love for God. [Hope in God's goodness and plan]

In the third degree, which is the most perfect of all, we are not content with just accepting the trials that God may send us and suffering cheerfully out of our love for Him...our love for God is so great that we long for trials and we rejoice when they come to us because we know that they come from the hand of God and are ordained by His adorable will. [Love]

 [What is contained in brackets is my interpretation, based on St. Bernard's summation]

According to St. Bernard, beginners as a rule have only resignation derived from fear; proficient bear the cross with a willing heart, a more generous conformity begotten of hope; the perfect embrace the cross with ardor, which complete conformity is the fruit of holy love.

Since we are all looking for happiness, it is good to know that we can have something even greater.  That something greater is joy.  It transcends happiness because it is not dependent on people or circumstances.  "Authentic joy is a deep interior peace and satisfaction that we experience as the fruit of wisdom and understanding." (Endow study guide)  It is the result of placing our expectations on Jesus, and not on others.  It comes when we do all things with purity of intention - the intention to love our neighbor for love of God.  Even, and especially, in our suffering. 

In his letter Salvifici Doloris, Pope John Paul II gives us four reasons our suffering can be seen as a reason for joy:

1.  It clears the way for the infusion of grace which transforms human souls.
2.  In it, there is concealed a particular power that draws a person interiorly close to Christ...
3.  ...human sufferings, united to the redemptive suffering of Christ, constitute a special support for the powers of good, and open the way to the victory of these salvific powers.
4.  Faith in sharing the suffering of Christ brings with it the interior certainty that the suffering person 'completes what is lacking in Christ's afflictions'; the certainty that in the spiritual dimension of the work of Redemption he is serving, like Christ, the salvation of his brothers and sisters.

So, basically, our suffering (IF we unite it with Christ's suffering by our intention to do so), can serve for our own salvation and that of others. 

That is a reason for real joy.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for the rain, roofs that don't leak, and bread machines.  Thank you for loving us.  Thank you for fear to motivate us when our love is not yet perfect.  Thank you for hope along the way, and your love to imitate.  Please give me the wisdom to know what motivates me.  I want to do all things for love of You.  Please grant me the grace to act with purity of intention and detachment from all that is not You nor leads me to You.  Please give me the joy that comes from understanding your love for me, and your plan to bring good out of everything, especially suffering.  Thank you for the opportunity to participate in my own salvation and that of others.  Thank you for Pope John Paul II and the continued guidance of your Church since you gave Peter the keys to your Kingdom.  Thank you for Pope Francis and for his love.  Amen.

Pope John Paul II, pray for us!

Valentine's Day - The Un-Hallmark Version

I am looking forward to dinner and a date with my husband tonight.  Today is (should be) special for all couples, but it is especially special for us because it is the anniversary of the day we met.  Yes, I believe in Providence. 

I am thankful for the 3 years that have passed since this journal entry that make sharing this once painful day, a joy and a part of history.

February 14, 2010 – Valentine’s Day

Sunday 1:47pm 

I just put the boys down for a nap and I need to sort a few things out in my head, so here goes…  This morning, I gave Brett a book, a card, and some chocolates for V-Day.  He didn’t want to open it until he came back from San Antonio (which he was leaving for today), so we could have a mutual gift exchange.  I wasn’t expecting a gift, but I wasn’t expecting nothing, either.  He said instead of going out and getting me something yesterday, he thought it was more important that he come home, so I could leave and have some time to myself.  After a little disappointment, I started thinking about what was bothering me the most, and it was that he didn’t admit that he just didn’t make the effort.  After all, he is a logistics man and the day before Valentine’s Day isn’t the only day to come up with something…my favorite thing in the whole world is a handwritten note from him (and he knows this). 

If he had given it very much thought at all – he could have given me what I value most.  Even if he had put it off until this morning, he was up almost 2 hours before me.  The way I see it is that it just wasn’t important to him this year.  I can deal with that better than him not admitting it.  So, after wrestling with letting it go, or letting him know, I called him.  He was quick to point out that he took Friday off and had to work an extra long/hard day on Thursday to do so.  Furthermore, he gets very little time to himself (one Saturday a month since November for shooting - He didn’t mention his lunch breaks and the opportunity to work out).  

Then, he told me he had some things to get off of his chest, too.  He thinks I’ve been pretty self-absorbed lately and listed the following:  going to Lauren’s (one Friday night for a few hours), time practicing music with Tomas, my rugs, and going to have coffee with Becca.  This is almost the entire list of things I do, which are not taking care of my children or house.  The only thing that is missing is the occasional hour at Lick Creek Park to walk the dog.  I think it is of note that my music practice and coffee with Becca are all after the kids are in bed (or on their way), and this is not an accident.  I don’t think he is self-absorbed for wanting to go shooting (even 3 times a month – it just gets too expensive).  So this leaves me with the question, “Am I self-absorbed?” 

Probably so.  Day in and day out, I wrestle with wanting some time alone, doing my own thing.  I try to give my kids as much of me as I can without being resentful.  When I start to feel resentful, the only thing I know to do, is to try to put something back in my own cup – by working on rugs, going for a walk, or playing music.  Mother Teresa says any time we have lost our peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.  I think it is true (but often forget) that my time belongs to my children as much as it belongs to me.  It is a constant battle to put that into practice.  However, I don’t think that because Brett has to watch the kids from time to time - to accommodate me - makes me self-absorbed. 

I would love a quiet evening in a hotel room.  I haven’t been ALONE (without Brett or the kids) for more than 24 hours at one time since Brayton was born (in 5 years).  He has been deployed multiple times since our marriage, gone on many work trips, has had the house to himself on at least 2 different occasions when I’ve taken the kids to KS, and is getting ready to have the house to himself for a week.  He gets time for reflection and to gain perspective on things at home, even when he’s not doing “his own thing”.  Being away helps you appreciate things at home and to love your family better.  I have not “been away.”  I know I could do better and be better, but there are times I feel like I am totally losing myself, and since I can’t leave (for more than a couple of hours), I turn inward.   

I’m not sure where to go from here…I’m a solution-oriented person, but I feel like only half of the problem lies with me.  I can find ways to “be okay” with not getting more time to myself.  Time spent outside and little adventures with the boys feel like “my time”, too.  But, I don’t know how to handle the perception of being self-absorbed, when I do anything for myself.  All I do know, is that my life is not about me 90% of the time, as it shouldn’t be.  Our lives are supposed to be about other people, so my prayer is for this to come more easily with each passing day…that I will not lose my peace. (end)

Dear God of Love,  Thank you for Brett, the man you chose for me before I was knit in my mother's womb.  Thank you for ignorance of the day and hour I was going to meet him.  If I would have known, I would have been a nervous wreck, and he might have changed his mind!  Thank you for rich people who hired a girl like me and made it easy to move far away from home.  Thank you for the hilltop outside Mountain Home, TX, where our lives were changed forever.  Thank you that real love stories aren't confined to Hollywood.  Thank you for allowing us to meet You, through our spouse, in marriage.  Thank you for unconditional love.  Please be near to those today who have not experienced it.  If there is no one else, please let the love of a stranger break into their world, and hint at Your love for them.  You are an awesome, generous, and loving God.  I love You and I know You love me.  Amen.