Free to be Fearless

I've had a lot of incredible conversations, lately.  Conversations that skip the inanity of what the weather has done or is going to do, what's happening at work, or how the kids are doing in school.  Conversations that happen right inside the door none of us want to open.  Inside the door that fear and shame beg us to leave shut tight and locked up. 

When we are alone, the room behind this door is the coldest, darkest, and loneliest room we will ever inhabit.  It's the room where we sit with all of the lies we believe, chief amongst them being, "I'm not enough." and in some cases, "I'm too much."

These are confusing beliefs if you also believe that you are a child of God and created in His image.  "I am something other than what I should be" doesn't really seem like an idea God would build into His people.  So, did we learn it somewhere?  Where did we learn that? 

Most of us don't have to look far to find potential, probable, or unmistakable places and times these loud-mouthed, lying seeds were planted in very fertile soil.  I don't like to give the devil credit for much, but it seems he got around and didn't bother getting creative with the message.

Regardless of why or how those seeds took root and grew into patterns of thinking and ways of relating, they've become part of us.  We will often do anything in our power to keep people from discovering the truth about the lies we believe, wrestle with, or operate out of.

Since opening up about my struggle with insecurity and fear of abandonment in my marriage, I've had the comfort of hearing a lot of "me toos".  Sometimes, it looks exactly the same, sometimes different.  But, whatever the particulars are, fear and shame are at the root of it. 

Because my conversations keep circling back to the same things, because of the silent and devastating nature of the lies we believe, and because of our ever-increasing inability to get to places of honesty, vulnerability, and understanding, I want to invite you in and ask you to consider who you would like to invite in, as well.

That cold, dark, and lonely room is transformed by an open door, the light in the hall, and the presence of another. 

As a guest in my room, I want you not only to know my fears, but to know what helps me live with and conquer them, too.

I believe God created us to be FREE.  Free to choose thoughts, words, and actions.  

Free to be fearless.  

I believe that God has allowed the circumstances, which have fortified my imperfection.  My imperfection/brokenness/weakness, is no longer something for me to fix, but a springboard to the One who can fix it, if He so chooses.  I finally see my struggle as part of His Will and not something outside of it. 

I have noticed something about the saints.  Their prayers always boil down to the same thing.  They want to love God, love His Will, and quite often, to love suffering. 

So, I'm pretending to be a saint.  I've copied a page out of their prayer book and am praying like they prayed.  Lord, please grant me the grace to love You, Your Will, and to love suffering.  Amen.

I cannot convey how dumbfounded I am by the results. Is it really possible that three simple prayers can transform a life?  I think so... 

I say this tentatively, as I'm only about a month in practice.  I've been tried several times, but only mildly.  I cannot remember the last time I've felt so fearless and free.  If I could actually love suffering, I would no longer fear suffering, which means I could use all of the energy I spend to protect myself from suffering, to love others.  And that sounds heavenly.

For the first time in my life, I am treating my insecurity like the spiritual battle it is.  I am no longer asking for it to be removed or healed, but accept that it might be here to stay.  God's will be done. 

Any time I start down a road I don't want to be on or get stuck in a vortex of negativity, which looks like doubt, fear, suspicion, jealousy, resentfulness, worthlessness, etc... I call on Christ.  I remind myself that feelings of fear and of being bound are contrary to what God desires for me, and it is time to suit up and step forward.  I name what I'm feeling, renounce (refuse to recognize or abide by any longer), rebuke, and reject it in the name of Jesus, and cast it to the foot of the Cross, reclaiming the victory that has already been won over it.  I don't have to do anything, but claim what has already been done.   

In these moments, I see myself as a little girl wrapped around my Father's leg and clinging to it for dear life, pleading not for one more ride around the living room, but for peace and love for all that is good.  I mean, have you ever tried to shake a kid off of your leg that is determined to take one more ride?  It's like that...

And I'm okay with this.  

Running away doesn't work.  Looking back doesn't work.  Introspection doesn't work.  Ignoring it doesn't work.  And looking to your spouse certainly doesn't work.  

Looking up works.  Clinging works.  And once this sinks in...oh, man I hope this is sinking in...it seems like maybe, just maybe, Somebody has been trying to tell me this all along.  

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well.

Matthew 6:33 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  

Matthew 11:28

Fear of Abandonment

I have a fear of abandonment.  I've been writing in this space for five years and you probably don't know this about me.  Family members who have known me for most of, or for the entirety of my life, didn't know until recently, when I invited them in to this secret and shameful place.  I imagine this feels akin to an alcoholic's public admission of being an alcoholic.  It feels liberating.  And yucky.

I've been married a month and a half shy of fifteen years.  This fear, dressed as insecurity, has been an intermittent, spasmodic struggle throughout.  Interestingly, as far as I can tell, it doesn't show up anywhere other than in my marriage, and show up it does.  Always with full force.  It is triggered by occasions when my husband is in mixed company, and I am elsewhere.  In my body, it manifests as an unininvited pit in my stomach that demands my full attention.  In my mind, it travels like suspicion, and in my emotions, it feels like fear and betrayal.  I've tried to whisper reassurances to it, suffocate it with reality, smash it with Scripture, pray it away, ignore it, bore it to death, and nothing works.

It must be confronted.  But, not until I am fully humiliated by telling my husband that I am struggling with this.  Again.  UGH.  There is not a bold enough bold or italicky enough italics or a large enough font to properly convey the feeling behind that little three-letter word.

Through my education, some periodic bursts of internet research, and discussion with friends and family with degrees in personal development, I have learned that this fear stems from forming insecure (as opposed to secure) attachments in my childhood.  Depending on who is writing and reflecting on attachment theory, it seems the nature of these attachments are established as a model for future relationships, some time by the age of six.  (Man, that seems like such a short period of time, to be screwed up forever).

I have a very, very poor memory, so, I cannot consciously recall or point to the reasons this problematic manner of attachment is my very own.  But, I have parents and siblings and the collective experience of our life together.  This history includes my parents' divorce when I was four (while divorce is consistently hailed as a major culprit for insecure attachments) , and a string of possible contributing events and relationships for the next twenty years.

It may become important to more fully understand these reasons, as I move forward in the healing/managing process, but for now, I think it is enough to know that the reasons were a real and sufficient cause for being periodically and devastatingly afraid.

I'm afraid of being rejected or replaced.  I am afraid of playing the fool.  I am afraid of not being enough.  I'm afraid of coming up empty-handed, through some fault of my own.   I would say I'm afraid of being alone, as the word abandonment implies, but I am not afraid of being alone.

And so, I write.  I write to understand myself and I write here, because I believe sharing this with you is my duty.  Maybe you don't have the words.  Maybe you haven't had somebody who will give you fifteen years of grace to look at something you don't understand and will put up with your hiding or lashing out when you are afraid of it.  Or maybe you can't relate to any of this, but you know somebody who can.

God only knows.

May the God whose ways are not our ways, and the peace that surpasses all understanding, be ours.  Amen.

Lust In the Light

Disclaimer:  Neither my husband's character or actions have anything to do with this post.  He is an incredible husband, father, and man striving to do God's will, and he has never broken my trust.  In fact, what started my thinking on this subject, are the incredible strides he's making in his spiritual life.  His courage gave me the courage to think about temptations he might be facing.  However, I am imperfect, which means I love imperfectly, too.  In this case, I am too attached to him, and take him (and all that happens in his life) too personally.  His only connection is that he married me. 

[Those whose joy is unpossessive of things] have nothing in their heart, but possess everything with greater liberty (2Cor. 6:10); the others, insofar as they possess things with attachment, neither have nor possess anything.  Rather their heart is held by things and they suffer as a captive...and spend all their time going to and from about the snare to which their heart is tied."  Ascent of Mt. Carmel, St. John of the Cross (AMC)

So, because I'd rather not share these thoughts, and it might also be helpful for you, I must.  The prayer at the end of my Gospel reflection this morning convicted me of that.  "Lord Jesus, open my eyes to the revelation of your healing presence and saving word.  Help me to walk according to your truth and to not stumble in the darkness of sin.  May I help others find your healing light and saving presence."

That's pretty much it.  I'm stumbling, and I want my stumbling to be fruitful - for myself, for my husband, and for all who can relate to anything written here.  I'm stumbling around this not-so-little thing called lust.  But, it's not my own lust that's the problem, it's the idea of it.  The idea of a spouse (mine, in particular) lusting after another.  I don't fully understand it, and I never see it, but the following passage treats my curiosity about it...

"Bernard [of Clairvaux] reminds us that is was curiosity that led to the Fall originally, and speaks of Eve. 'Why are you always glancing at it [the forbidden fruit]?  What is the good looking at what you are forbidden to eat?...For when you are looking intently at something, the serpent slips into your heart and coaxes you.  He leads on your reason with flattery; he awakes your fear with lies...He increases your interest while he stirs up your greed.  He sharpens your curiosity while he prompts your desire.  He offers what is forbidden and takes away what is given.  He holds out an apple and snatches away paradise.'"  On the Steps of Humility and Pride by B. Clairvaux, as quoted in The Fulfillment of All Desire, by Ralph Martin

I think it is easy for me to dwell on lust for three reasons:  It is extremely private so it rarely makes its way into conversation.  I'm insecure.  My love needs to be purified.

Thinking about lust (when I am neither the lust-er or the lust-ed) leaves me feeling deceived and betrayed, but this is just the beginning.  I allow it to exert power over me, and the relationships in my life because:
1.  I can't change the emotions or actions of another.
2.  It allows me to feel superior and sit in judgment.
3.  It creates emotional distance.
4.  It encourages me to characterize a person only by their fault, and rob them of their dignity.
5.  I'm equally enslaved by my reaction to their fault, as much as the other may be by the sin itself.
6.  It binds my love.  "They cannot rejoice in them [those they love]if they hold them with possessiveness, for this is a care that, like a trap, holds the spirit to earth, and does not allow wideness of heart."  - AMC
7.  It has me breaking 8 of the 15 rules on Mother Teresa's humility list, which you can find here, if you're interested: http://panhandlefranciscans.blogspot.com/2012/05/mother-teresas-humility-list.html

Last night, I finished reading Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurdard, in preparation for my upcoming silent retreat.  The main character is Much-Afraid, and at the end, she makes some pretty awesome revelations about her journey.  This Much-Afraid did, too.

"Therefore, I begin to think, my Lord, You purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed...that is the only satisfactory way of dealing with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible overcoming it with good."

"They [her ugly Fearing cousins] were indwelt and tormented by their different besetting [something that is tempting, harassing, or assailing you] sins and ugly natures, just as she had been by her fears...She could scarcely bear the thought, yet for so many years she had not only feared, but condemned them, had actually 'disdained their misery', telling herself it was their own fault...Yes, she, detestable, fear-enslaved Much Afraid had actually dared to disdain them for the things which made them so wretched and ugly when she herself was equally wretched and enslaved."

So, where's the good that comes from lust?  Maybe it's in this post.  Maybe it's the dim light shed on a subject which loves to dwell in the darkness.  Maybe it's just the good that it has done me to spell-it-out, and the humility I've gained by doing so.  Maybe the good is something that I can't perceive or know nothing about.  Maybe the good is that "perfection consists in fighting against [imperfections]." ~St. Francis de Sales.  Or maybe it is all of these things. 

Dear Heavenly Father,  Thank you for this gorgeous day, and endless reasons to praise you.  Please forgive me for my sins, most especially for sitting in judgment of another, reducing another to their faults, and being enslaved by something other than love.  Lord, please draw near to those who struggle with lust and intercede for those who are affected by it.  You know our intimate struggles.    You have promised that there is always a way out, if we desire it.  Please give us the grace to desire a way out, and to forgive ourselves and others when we fail.  Make us love you more and more, and our neighbor, for love of You.  Amen.

A Peek Into Rehab

Someone I know and love is in Rehab.  My family went to visit her yesterday for the first time since she checked in 22 days ago. 

Second only to every Walmart experience I've ever had, I have never been around so many people who were visibly struggling with their flesh for their soul.

I am reminded how important family and people are to one fully engaged in this very real battle - That we "belong to each other", as Mother Teresa says.  I am reminded that we are all engaged in this same battle, only some are winning and some are losing.  I am reminded of the need for our intercession in prayer.  These people cannot get themselves out, by prayer, or any other means.  They need the "body of Christ" in a very real, and tangible way. 

Yesterday, I experienced the lack of hope that the world gives.  My "person" was telling me about the people who have been discharged, only to come back in two day's time.  They are putting their hope in themselves, and "themselves" are not capable of coming through.  She was telling me about a boy who was sitting close by, who had to have "skin checks" every day, because he makes continued attempts on his life by cutting himself.  I would never have known by looking.  All I saw was a boy with hair in his eyes, surrounded by people who clearly loved him.  I was reminded that you cannot presume anything about anyone, especially by looking. 

As I learned yesterday, the first step in a 12-step program is admitting that your life is out of control and that you are powerless over it.  Secondly, that there is a higher power - something bigger, greater, and more powerful than you.   

It is scary for me, even for a few moments, to think as if I were the biggest, greatest, and most powerful force in my life.  I can see how the daily pressure would be too great, and can imagine the temptation to succumb to the unremitting appeal for an essential, life-preserving escape.  This is exactly what God is telling us when He says that we are strong in our weakness.

"'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.'  I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

If we know we need God above all, and are subject to Him above all, all will be well.  Only then, can our relationships be properly ordered, and we can take our proper place, in humility.

When I used to work with the poor with the St. Vincent de Paul Society, I heard a great analogy:  Imagine you have a garage full of boxes and stuff that has accumulated for years.  You want to clean it out, but there is no obvious starting point.  You feel so overwhelmed by the big, seamless mess, that the best (most peaceful) course of action seems to leave it, as is.

When one lives a life of poverty, or addiction, their whole life feels like that.  It is not just one room in a house.  These people need us. 


Dear Heavenly Father,  Thank you for a car that works to bring us to those in need.  Thank you for the beauty of your Creation.  Thank you for the privilege to participate in another person's life.  Thank you for family, and for those people who give us glimpses of your unconditional love.  Lord, thank you for being a God of order, and for putting us directly under Yourself in that order.

Lord, I beg you to draw near to those who live on the edge of despair, the sin against hope.  Lord, please comfort them, and grant them the grace of wisdom - to know where to begin to sort through the years of accumulated mess.  Please grant them the grace to forgive those by whom they have felt betrayed or abandoned, and to look only to You for fulfillment.  

Please grant those of us You have sustained with your grace, an extra dose of compassion for those who need our intercession.  Help us to take seriously our responsibility to pray and ask graces for those in need, especially because they are incapable themselves.  Help us to extend the mercy we have been granted.  Amen.   

Love Is Not Jealous - A Work In Progress

My boys had a swim meet today.  Brett volunteered to time, and I came later with the youngest and my mother-in-law.  As we walked in and took our seats in the balcony, Brett was talking and laughing with a young lady with long dark hair, tight pants, and a tank top on.  I'm pretty sure she could be a super model, if she's not one already.

I felt my stomach sink, but thought it would just be a momentary thing.  Then, I realized she was his timing partner, and they would be together for the duration of the swim meet.

Ohhhh, what an excellent opportunity for growth, here.  As the meet progressed, I vacillated between feeling proud that I wasn't feeling more jealous, and then feeling more jealous than proud.  Yuck.

Just today, we heard in the second reading that love is not jealous.  So, what the heck?  I know I love my husband, but apparently my love still needs to be purified, and maybe more than a little.

Unfortunately, I think God has a plan to help me with this (as demonstrated today).  Bummer. I mean, Thank you, Lord.

On a rational level, I know I am "proven" (as a friend's husband tells her in her insecure moments).  I know I am a much better "catch" than I was 15 years ago, and I wouldn't go back to 20 for love nor money.  But, that doesn't mean it isn't pretty to look at.

One day, I hope to reach the place where I can be happy that my husband has enjoyed another woman's beauty.  But, for now, I am going to have to settle with knowing that these humbling opportunities are perfecting my love.

Note:  I was very tempted to keep these thoughts tucked safely away in my little green journal, but in the spirit of a soul laid bare, I am sharing them, that they might be at worst, amusing to you, and helpful, at best.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for the Eucharist this morning and the priests who bring You to us.  Thank you for another gorgeous day.  Thank you for already-made-Knights-of-Colombus-chili and sparing me another opportunity to disappoint in the kitchen.  Thank you for healthy children who can and want to swim.  Please forgive my imperfect love, even after all this time.  Thank you for exceptionally beautiful women, and the opportunities they give others to grow in virtue.  Help them to know that their beauty is a reflection of your Beauty and that You are the One who bestowed it upon them.  Please help me and all other women who shrink when we (or our husbands) are in their company.  Help us to feel Your Love, especially in those moments, when we feel only the things we lack.  You are so generous and faithful.  Thank you for all.  I love You.  Amen.

Insecurity - The "I" word

Today's topic is my least favorite of all because it is the thing I dislike the most about myself.  Insecurity.  The "I" word.  It should be a 4-letter word, really.  I'm not sure where it comes from (and believe me I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out).  Being a child of divorce?  Being hurt by others?  Original sin?  Jacques Phillipe writes in Searching for and Maintaining Peace:  We come into the world marked with distrust.  This is original sin.  All our spiritual life consists precisely in a long process of reeducation, with a view to regaining that lost confidence, by the grace of the Holy Spirit Who makes us say anew to God:  Abba, Father!" 

The insecurity or lack of confidence I feel, thankfully for you, (not-so-much for my husband) seems to be restricted to my marriage.  It used to be a constant struggle for me in my early married life.  I will be married 10 years in November.  By God's grace and my husband's fidelity and patience, this surfaces much more seldomly.  At any rate, it is exacerbated when my husband travels or works a lot (which he has been lately).  His job requires that he works, trains, and deploys with many women who are unknown to me.  This is my achilles heel and I never feel more powerless or at-his-mercy than these times.  It is compounded by our inability to discuss it (He gets too frustrated) and his inability to comprehend it (He is the most secure person I have ever met).

Why am I sharing this with you?  For several reasons.  #1.  To let you know that you are not alone.  #2.  Things that are painful in the dark (kept as secrets) lose their power in the light.  #3.  To encourage you to share the thing(s) that you dislike the most about yourself or things you are afraid of (with a spiritual director or someone you trust)  #4.  It is good for humility. #5.  As Margaret Guenther suggests in Holy Listening: The Art of Spiritual Direction, "I must be willing to be the needy, vulnerable, weary traveler as well as the generous host."  #6.  It tells the truth about who I am without God - powerless.

In Unbound, Neal Lozano writes, "We have all internalized lies from the master of deception.  They may serve as faulty foundations upon which we build our lives.  This system of thinking is built like a bird nest:  one straw at a time (one damaging thought at a time).  As this pattern of thinking is built, he finds a place to dwell and exerts greater influence on our emotions and will."  "At the heart of satan's attack upon you is his attempt to rob you of your true identity and destiny.  satan will do anything he can to keep you from knowing God as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."

Satan has used my insecurity very well in his plan.  It changes the rock of confidence into the sludge of insecurity.  It changes my loving and nurturing self into a distant and cold one.  It takes a considerate person and turns her into a self-centered person.  It changes a God-filled vessel into an empty pot.  It takes something beautiful and turns it into something ugly.  Yes, satan loves using the wrench of insecurity; it fits every nut and bolt I have.   

The following entry is from almost 3 years ago. 
 

August 9, 2009

8:42pm – Sunday

I turned 32 years old today.  Brett is reading to Brayton and Walker.  Wyatt went to bed around 7:20pm.  Today I am feeling so blessed.  Blessed to be in a great marriage and have 3 beautiful, healthy, intelligent, loving boys.  Even though I’ve been “pretty good” most of my life, I can’t begin to imagine deserving all that God has given to me.  The Bible says He blesses us beyond what we can even imagine and I believe that.   

Brett and I went to First Friday.  Our first real date without the baby.  Then we went to Luigi’s Patio Ristorante last night for supper.  Live music, excellent food, and even better atmosphere.  It was the perfect place to go for a date.  It felt like we were in a town far, far away from here. 

I am trying to figure something out about myself.  It seems like some of my insecurities are showing up a little more lately.  I think it’s because we’re starting to be more socially active again.  I always feel a little insecure when Brett seems to connect with/enjoy another female.  I have felt this way multiple times in the last several months – anytime we have been with another couple.  I think it is because I haven’t seen him really interact with other women since we’ve been together.  I guess the solution is just to be in those situations more often, so I will realize they are innocuous and part of life, and to pray about it. 

I wonder if other people feel this way or if I’m more sensitive since I came into the relationship with trust issues.  He’s not doing anything wrong or inappropriate, so I know all of the growing/changing needs to happen on my end.  I’m going to scoot this up on my priority list!  Feels good to write it down…I also want to work on not comparing myself to other women.  We were at the pool the other day and I saw the most beautiful girl in this town.  I felt so badly about myself the rest of the day.  I wonder if I make people feel badly about themselves – I never want to do that…It’s a terrible feeling. 

I’m going to make my 32^nd year a year of increased selflessness and gratitude.  I am going to pour even more energy into my family and less into what (I think) I’m missing out on.  Of all the other things I would like to be doing (traveling, playing the guitar, swimming, riding horses, etc…) none of it would mean a thing without the love I have for my boys and my husband.  They give meaning to everything else I do. (The end)

So, satan can use my insecurity as a wrench, but he's not the only one.  God can use it, too.  I LOVE the following quote by Fr. Bede Jarrett:

"God allows our faults and temptations.  But, surely God cannot want me to have such a weakness, temptation?  Oh, yes.  He does.  He made each of us with our individual character and its difficulties.  If we look back we can see how through all our lives it has been the same thing - so we can't help it can we?  For some reason, God has given these things to us to carry out His will.  We must rememer that circumstances are ALWAYS favorable to God's plan, always, always.  To our own, no, very fortunately for us...what seems to us so unfortunate is the best possible thing in God's plan, and so we must never look back."

Thank you, God for my insecurity, if that's the way you want it.  It is terribly uncomfortable and I think I would rather carry a different cross.  But, all crosses are uncomfortable and I know that You use all things for my good because I love you.  Lord, help me to rebuild the nest of my thinking so that only You may enter and satan must remain outside.  Jesus, I trust in You.  Amen.