Sometimes, there is a downside to working in hospice and it is different than what you might think. It's not too much death or dying, but a hyper-awareness of time in my normal every-day living.
Nothing brings this home more than when I'm trying to track down my percussionist in the orbit of high school marching band when I can't get him on the phone.
Does that seem like a weird set of circumstances to bring the old sand-filled hourglass center stage?
I'm hoping I can explain, and figure it out for myself at the same time...
I get to meet people in the evening of life on a routine basis. Very often, they've become secondary to the people in their lives for whom they were primary for a good long while. Spouses and kids, mostly. They were wives and husbands, mothers and fathers, and their best years were the same years I'm living now. But, their people slowly moved on. They were moved from the center of their lives to the periphery, and became someone to check in on, rather than someone to be included and enjoyed.
My eyes are wide open to this shift. I'm becoming aware of the people in my life who may feel like they've been dropped in a secondary slot, permanently. I am still primary for my children because I can drive and grocery shop and facilitate everything that is important to them. But, I am inching my way to the periphery and every time I'm holding my phone and there is no answer on the other end, I know.
An unscheduled weekend rolls in and feels like a blessing and a curse because time together is so important. But, finding more than two people who want to do the same thing is a chore and getting all five to agree is nearly impossible.
So, we compromise.
At the river, a couple of us fished down the bank a little ways, I sat on an uncomfortable rock until my butt hurt and then filled a trash bag with other people's trash, while someone else threw rocks at spiders the size of grapefruits, hoping to pass a few minutes while noting, "this is the-most-redneck-vacation." It seemed like the best bonding moment was our unanimous relief to be back home, savoring the memory that we created. Mainly, that we didn't want to go back there any time soon. No discussion needed.
Sunday kept us altogether for breakfast and Mass, but separate for the rest due to attractions that couldn't be resisted and commitments that needed to be kept. But, fortunately for me, my plans included sitting poolside and holding a baby for a couple of hours which seemed to slow time a bit. Gratefully.
Unless I am hitting Sonic at Happy Hour, there are few things my boys are interested in joining me for, and doing things as a family is, well, usually a compromise for most of us. So, I sit on the futon as long as anyone will sit by me, deliver pigs in a blanket to a fort in the woods, change my schedule to steal a lunch date at Subway, and go to the skate park when it's almost dark because "they have lights, you know".
I know I am becoming secondary. Just in little moments for now, but they are coming more frequently and I know they will keep coming, as they should. Occasionally, someone will notice a little tear and recognize that I'm not okay and while I'm trying to find the words to explain, they decide they didn't really want an explanation, anyway. And I'm relieved, because I couldn't really explain it, anyway.
Showing posts with label Transitioning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Transitioning. Show all posts
Monday, September 30, 2019
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Craving Change and Loathing Transition
Human beings don't like change. Right? Wrong, according to Patrick Lencioni, business consultant and author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. According to Patrick, human beings crave change, but we don't like transitioning.
After watching a video by Patrick Lencioni about transition management, based on Bill Bridges' work, I want to share what I've learned. I really feel like knowing what the stages are in a transition, and what to expect at each stage, could highly transform how smoothly and victoriously we embrace change in our lives.
I am not currently in transition to or from anything, but I know a lot of people who are. They are in between jobs, have a child who is graduating from high school, preparing for a move, or adjusting to someone new living in their house. Change, and necessary transition, come in as many forms as there are people.
My hope is that if you are not in transition, this will prepare you for what's ahead. And, if you are in transition, that this outline will bring a new perspective. A new perspective that reinvigorates you and gives you hope, wherever you are in the process.
NOTES:
There are three stages to pass through when going from x to y:
1. Endings - Saying goodbye to the old.
a. Loss
b. Response to loss
c. Ceremony
2. Neutral zone - Not sure if the new way is better or if you're ever going to get there.
a. Need 2 Cs - Care and Concern
b. Need 4 Ps - Purpose, picture, plan, and part.
3. New Beginnings - just happen. Once here, you can't imagine life being any other way, and you wonder why it took so long to get here.
__________________________________________________
Endings
When we are in the "Endings" portion of transition, we are dealing with loss. All change brings about loss. Several people can experience the same event, but feel loss in different areas of their lives. The different areas we can experience loss are:
1. Structure
2. Control
3. Identity
4. Future - How we thought it would play out.
5. Meaning
6. Attachments to people
7. Turf
According to He Leadeth Me by Walter Ciscek and Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, nervous breakdowns happen because people don't realize they have a choice of how to respond to loss.
There are four possible responses to loss (the 4 Rs):
1. Restore what was lost.
Examples: Get lost job back, rebuild damaged house in same location, just as it was before).
2. Replace what was lost with something similar.
Examples: Get a similar job or similar house in a similar neighborhood. *This is what we usually do.
3. Redesign. Change the way we live. Choose something new.
Examples: Start your own business. Live in a different environment.
4. Relinquish. Give up an idea, plan, unrealistic goal, or pursuit.
Example: Give up the idea of being an Olympic runner.
Ceremony: To end the "Endings" phase of transition, we need ceremony. We need ceremony because when we don't let go of the past, we get stuck in it. Ceremony is how we make sure the past is left behind.
Examples: When Cortez's ships finally landed, he burned them. There was no going back! We have a wedding ceremony to indicate to all (especially ourselves) that we are no longer single! We need an external event to signify the internal change/shift.
Neutral Zone
When we enter into the neutral zone, we experience the greatest anxiety, fear, growth, and innovation. To maximize our productivity and progress, we need the 2 Cs (take care not to poo-poo these. Bad things happen if we don't get them!):
1. Care
2. Concern
If we don't get these 2 critical things during this time, one of three things will likely happen:
1. We will go back to the "old".
2. We will leave. Opt out.
3. We will quit and stay where we are.
In addition to the 2 Cs, we also need the 4 Ps:
1. Purpose: Remember why we're going through this difficult time.
2. Picture: Where we are headed. Why it's going to be better. What it's going to look like when we get there.
3. Plan: Lay out a bare minimum plan. Manageable chunks/steps to be taken to achieve goal.
4. Part: Play your part. If in a team setting, make sure all who are involved have an active role in being a part of the solution.
New Beginnings - Celebrate! You made it through the transition!
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the rain and for safekeeping through the storm last night. Thank you for reminding us of Your power. If fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, as the Scriptures say, increase my fear of You. I would rather fear You too much, than underestimate You. But really, I want to love You more than I fear You, which I do. Thank you for opportunities to gather together with fellow believers, and learn more about the transitions that are inescapable in our lives. Help us to resist the lie that transition "shouldn't be this hard", so that we can accept it for what it is, and keep moving forward. Help us to remember that "This too, shall pass." Please bless all of those who are in transition. Especially those who are trying to say goodbye to something because it has been taken from them. Amen.
After watching a video by Patrick Lencioni about transition management, based on Bill Bridges' work, I want to share what I've learned. I really feel like knowing what the stages are in a transition, and what to expect at each stage, could highly transform how smoothly and victoriously we embrace change in our lives.
I am not currently in transition to or from anything, but I know a lot of people who are. They are in between jobs, have a child who is graduating from high school, preparing for a move, or adjusting to someone new living in their house. Change, and necessary transition, come in as many forms as there are people.
My hope is that if you are not in transition, this will prepare you for what's ahead. And, if you are in transition, that this outline will bring a new perspective. A new perspective that reinvigorates you and gives you hope, wherever you are in the process.
NOTES:
There are three stages to pass through when going from x to y:
1. Endings - Saying goodbye to the old.
a. Loss
b. Response to loss
c. Ceremony
2. Neutral zone - Not sure if the new way is better or if you're ever going to get there.
a. Need 2 Cs - Care and Concern
b. Need 4 Ps - Purpose, picture, plan, and part.
3. New Beginnings - just happen. Once here, you can't imagine life being any other way, and you wonder why it took so long to get here.
__________________________________________________
Endings
When we are in the "Endings" portion of transition, we are dealing with loss. All change brings about loss. Several people can experience the same event, but feel loss in different areas of their lives. The different areas we can experience loss are:
1. Structure
2. Control
3. Identity
4. Future - How we thought it would play out.
5. Meaning
6. Attachments to people
7. Turf
According to He Leadeth Me by Walter Ciscek and Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, nervous breakdowns happen because people don't realize they have a choice of how to respond to loss.
There are four possible responses to loss (the 4 Rs):
1. Restore what was lost.
Examples: Get lost job back, rebuild damaged house in same location, just as it was before).
2. Replace what was lost with something similar.
Examples: Get a similar job or similar house in a similar neighborhood. *This is what we usually do.
3. Redesign. Change the way we live. Choose something new.
Examples: Start your own business. Live in a different environment.
4. Relinquish. Give up an idea, plan, unrealistic goal, or pursuit.
Example: Give up the idea of being an Olympic runner.
Ceremony: To end the "Endings" phase of transition, we need ceremony. We need ceremony because when we don't let go of the past, we get stuck in it. Ceremony is how we make sure the past is left behind.
Examples: When Cortez's ships finally landed, he burned them. There was no going back! We have a wedding ceremony to indicate to all (especially ourselves) that we are no longer single! We need an external event to signify the internal change/shift.
Neutral Zone
When we enter into the neutral zone, we experience the greatest anxiety, fear, growth, and innovation. To maximize our productivity and progress, we need the 2 Cs (take care not to poo-poo these. Bad things happen if we don't get them!):
1. Care
2. Concern
If we don't get these 2 critical things during this time, one of three things will likely happen:
1. We will go back to the "old".
2. We will leave. Opt out.
3. We will quit and stay where we are.
In addition to the 2 Cs, we also need the 4 Ps:
1. Purpose: Remember why we're going through this difficult time.
2. Picture: Where we are headed. Why it's going to be better. What it's going to look like when we get there.
3. Plan: Lay out a bare minimum plan. Manageable chunks/steps to be taken to achieve goal.
4. Part: Play your part. If in a team setting, make sure all who are involved have an active role in being a part of the solution.
New Beginnings - Celebrate! You made it through the transition!
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the rain and for safekeeping through the storm last night. Thank you for reminding us of Your power. If fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, as the Scriptures say, increase my fear of You. I would rather fear You too much, than underestimate You. But really, I want to love You more than I fear You, which I do. Thank you for opportunities to gather together with fellow believers, and learn more about the transitions that are inescapable in our lives. Help us to resist the lie that transition "shouldn't be this hard", so that we can accept it for what it is, and keep moving forward. Help us to remember that "This too, shall pass." Please bless all of those who are in transition. Especially those who are trying to say goodbye to something because it has been taken from them. Amen.
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