Oily Hair, No Make-Up, PJs, A Messy House, and A Visitor

I am babysitting a little boy today, my house is a mess because I haven't been home in the morning for the last couple of days (afternoon is naptime, so I am VERY careful not to clean much, for fear of waking my precious sleeping angel!), I haven't washed my hair in two days (which looks like 10 days for most people), and I am still in my pajamas.  At 8:15, I remembered a friend was going to swing by at 9:00!

My first thought when I remembered she was coming was to shower!, get dressed!, put on make-up!, quickly change the sheets that were peed on last night because the whole room was starting to tell on my son!, and straighten up the house!, in that order.

I knew 45 minutes wasn't enough to make progress on even half of the list, so I began triage of my self and house:  Tend to the critical, Leave the serious and minor injuries... but then something occurred to me.  "It will be good for my friend to see me and my house like this!  She always thinks I have it together, and I never raise my voice, and that I have some secret to life that she doesn't have."  Decision made.  Apart from pulling off the nasty sheets and throwing a few blocks in a tub, I did nothing.  I shoved my vanity into the backyard, made a pot of coffee, and awaited my friend in my messy house with a bare face, in PJs.

This move probably has more to do with the very understanding and non-judgmental nature of my friend, and less to do with any personal growth on my part, but it was still a little victory for me.  Maybe if I keep practicing with my friends, one day I will be comfortable doing the same with anyone who comes to my door, without the reassurance of a proven friendship to bolster my courage.

Thank you to Dr. Laura when she writes, "A spotless, totally organized house is not necessarily the most warm, inviting, enjoyable, or appreciated place on the face of the earth.  The warmth of a home comes from the attitude of the people in it, not the decor or the perfection of every detail."

Dear God of House and Home,  Thank you for little inspirations and opportunities to practice humility.  Thank you for the gift of friendship and the lack of judgment that comes with it.  Please help me to care more what You think of me than what others think of me.  Please give those who feel that everyone else has it figured out, the grace to know that there is always something to be endured, as well as something to be enjoyed.  Please give me the grace to overcome my vanity, so that I may enjoy unexpected visitors and open my home to others without fear.  Oh, and thank you for Dr. Laura.  Amen.

Being "Hot" Lacks A LOT

To love God is to love the attributes of God Himself:  Truth, beauty, and goodness.  He is "The Ultimate Good".  Fr. Scott Reilly describes everything that exists as having these qualities.  He calls them the "3-legged-stool".  When an idea, something, or someone is whole/complete, it has "proportion, harmony, clarity, and brilliance."  However, if one of the legs is missing, the stool is broken and cannot stand unaided.

Let me share his real-life example of a broken stool with you, because it was the impetus for this post and a recent class discussion of Truth, Goodness, and Beauty jogged my memory about it... 

There is an accepted standard of beauty, which is called "hot".  "That's hot."  "She's hot."  "He's hot."  If you care anything about what people think about you, you may feel this pressure to be "hot".  (By the way, if you care more about what people think about you than what God thinks about you, that is the sin of vanity:  placing your security and self-esteem in others).  I'm guilty of this and always have to guard against pleasing others as my motivation. 

Have you felt this pressure?  Do you feel it?  I do.  It seems to me that if you are "hot" in our culture, everything else is way secondary or doesn't matter at all.  If you don't have sex appeal, you have NO appeal.  As with every ill-behaved child that ever lived, it seems that getting attention for the "wrong" reason is still better than getting no attention at all.

So, what's wrong with it?  Why should this not be our goal?  What does being "hot" lack?    Fr. Scott says, "Being hot lacks goodness and truth."  Is there a woman out there who wants her beauty to be separated from her goodness and her truth?!  If there is, I haven't met her.

St. Augustine wrestled with lust and attachment to people more openly than most.  He writes in his Confessions:  If physical objects please you, praise God for them, but turn back your love to their Creator, lest, in those things which please you, you displease Him.

For I had my back toward the light, and my face toward the things on which the light falls, so that my face, which looked toward the illuminated things, was not itself illuminated.

Our souls...may lean on those things which you have created and pass through them to you, who created them in marvelous ways.

So, I want to encourage you (and myself) to resist the pressure to be "hot" and use your beauty to lead others to their Creator, not to yourself.  In other words, to pass through you, to God.  This is not most effectively done with cleavage and a mini skirt.

In a discussion with a male friend the other day, he gave this analogy:  When women dress in such a way to accentuate their breasts and butts, they are taking the necessary steps to turn a man on sexually.  Men are visual creatures and women know this.  If a man did the same thing to a woman (took whatever steps were necessary to turn her on),  it would be ridiculously insulting and she could, by rights, slap him.

All this to say, that beauty has its place, but it is not something that should be manipulated into a word, "hot".  Beauty is a gift from God Himself and should be used to lead others to Him. 

In view of a greater good and for a higher purpose, even to watch over my bearing and my dress; to make myself attractive for our good God's sake.  

Great and holy ideas and profound convictions often reach souls only through the personal charm and attraction of those who present them.  "By their fruits you shall know them..(Matt 7:16)...devotion, charity, radiant faith, and also by those flowers that first strike the eye and precede the fruit; those flowers are called sweetness, charm, nobility and exterior distinction of manners and ways, serenity, equanimity, friendliness, smiles, and simplicity.    ~Elizabeth Leseur

Dear True, Good, and Beautiful God,  Thank you for another gorgeous day and many opportunities to enjoy the beauty of your creation.  Thank you for allowing the beauty of your Creation, including your creatures, to lead us to You.  Please help us to use our beauty to this end.  Do not allow us to lead people to the dead-end of ourselves.  We can't give them what they're looking for.  Lord, help us to learn how to "use" everything in this life to know and love You more, and to remove those things that are obstacles to our love for You.  Thank you for forgiving our weakness and inclination to cling to the good opinions of others.  As long as we know we need your help, we are getting closer to the Truth.  Amen. 

   

Vanity

This is a  long post and one I would rather not make, but is essential for soul-baring.  When you join Regnum Christi, you learn about root sin.  Fr. Jonathan Morris discusses root sin briefly in his book, The Promise.  There are three.  Pride - Putting your security and self-esteem in yourself (Easily annoyed with those who contradict.  Given to anger and impatience).  Vanity - Putting your security and self-esteem in others (People-pleaser).  Sensuality - Putting your security and self-esteem in feelings and comforts (Feelings rule the day).  We all have some of each of these, but chances are we have one that is predominant.  For me, after some serious soul-searching, I realized that vanity infiltrated everything I did.  Not the mirror-gazing variety (although, not guilt-free in this department, either), but being motivated by what other people think.

In Imitation of Christ, Thomas a Kempis says "So long as a man is foolishly pleased with himself, to You (God) he is only displeasing; so long as he covets the good opinion of men, he is depriving himself of true virtue."  Jesus says to him, "You must not let your peace of mind depend on what people say about you.  The construction they put on your actions may be correct or false; that doesn't make a different man of you.  Where will you find true peace, real glory?  It is in me, as you well know.  The man who is neither bent upon pleasing his fellows nor afraid of offending them will enjoy great peace.  It is from affections allowed to run wild and from baseless fears that all disquiet of heart arises..."

With that, I'll share two journal entries from last year when I first started trying to figure this whole thing out.

March 16th, 2011 -

Dear Lord, please help me.  I want to be a light to souls and stir them up for you.  I want them to think about you and praise you and thank you, Lord.  In my attempt to share my tiny glimpse of you (I shared an email with one of my reflections), what started as an effort born of pure intention quickly became an email-checking frenzy after I shared it...waiting to see if anyone was touched or moved in any way.  I still believe my eagerness is for a soul moved closer to You, its source, but if that is true, why do I become so impatient?  I just want to be a tool for you, but I don't know if I'm being effective unless people tell me.  Is it prideful to share my thoughts on You?  Is it self-important?  I don't know if my thoughts are gifts from You and thus should be shared or if they are my own and thus should be kept to myself.  You have told me before that your plans will be clear to me, maybe I should keep quiet until then?

Please show me where I am sinning, Lord.  I'm trying to take my blinders off, but I need your help.  Please, also, show me how I can best serve You.  I love you.  Amen.
March 23, 2011 -
I'm still trying to figure out if I'm vain or not...Today, as I was washing my car, I noticed I would look up every time a car passed by.  Why?  I think I want to know if they notice me or not.  I think I feel special/different when people notice me.  I don't think I care so much what they think about me.  Okay--if it is not their good opinion I'm after, then it is the feelings of being preferred or set apart somehow...that has to be pride!  So:
PRIDE - motherhood, impatience, wanting to be preferred
VANITY - motherhood, house
Since writing these entries, I realized that my vanity (commonly) manifested itself in my relationship with my husband and those closest to me.  I realized that in my marriage, I would do anything to have my husband think well of me.  This was fine with him.  I would go out of my way to keep him comfortable.  I would avoid conflict by trying to keep the kids quiet and the house clean, and not encourage him in his spiritual growth.  Why?  For love?  Sadly, no.  For fear.  Fear of being seen in a negative light. 
So, with God's grace, a clarifying discussion with my spiritual director, a long month of feeling like my husband was an obstacle on my pathway to holiness, and wondering "What should I be doing differently?!!!", I figured it out.  I needed to continue to love and serve my husband (the same things I was already doing), but for a different reason.  For love.  With purity of intention.
Purity of intention deserves a day of its own, so we'll discuss that tomorrow.
Enjoy this day with your family.  Soak up the time.  Practice the Presence of God.
Peace and Love, Heidi