One Night in an Inconvenient Hotel

 Writing from a broken chair in Guthrie, OK.  Trying to wake up and waiting for a storm to clear.  Looking at the only thing to love here…A neon heart and an ice cream cone floating in the sky.

I dried off with a hand towel and the A/C is broken, just like my chair.  But, after trying two different rooms and opening the door to two someone-has-just-been-here-and-the-sheets-are-still-twisted-kind-of-dirty at my first stop, I’m lingering in my upgrade.  

Completely grossed-out by the old smoke-and-chlorine greeting in the lobby, the “great room” where I was to enjoy my complimentary breakfast from 6:30-9:30, and the generational fingerprints covering the elevator, I wondered what my expectations should be.  Mostly, I just wanted a place to sleep… 

But, our brothers and sisters in the Ukraine keep coming to mind, and I ask myself how dare I experiment with any feelings but gratitude.  

They’re right, of course. 

So, thank you, Guthrie, Oklahoma.  If I don’t see you again, take care.  I will always remember you fondly as the place where I asked for my money back for the first time in my 44 years of life.  And thank you for the reminder that I love that little saintly saying…

When we get to heaven and look back on our earthly lives, it will seem like but one night in an inconvenient hotel. 

Loving Humanity and Hating People

"I love humanity,' he said, ' but I wonder at myself.  The more I love humanity in general, the less I love man in particular.  In my dreams, he said, 'I have often come to making enthusiastic schemes for the service of humanity, and perhaps I might actually have faced crucifixion if it had been suddenly necessary; and yet I am incapable of living in the same room with any one for two days together, as I know by experience.  As soon as anyone is near me, his personality disturbs my self-complacency and restricts my freedom.  In twenty-four hours I begin to hate the best of men:  one because he's too long over his dinner; another because he has a cold and keeps on blowing his nose.  I become hostile to people the moment they come close to me.  But it has always happened that the more I detest men individually the more ardent becomes my love for humanity."

"I came with horror to the conclusion that, if anything could dissipate my love to humanity, it would be ingratitude.  In short, I am a hired servant, I expect my payment at once - that is, praise, and the repayment of love with love.  Otherwise, I am incapable of loving any one."

~Quotes from two different people in The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

In my women's group today, the following question was posed, "Jesus set down certain conditions for those who wanted to be His disciples.  In Matthew 16:24 we read, 'If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'  How has Christ presented you with the Cross in your life?  Has it strengthened your faith?"

Our discussion centered around the crosses of everyday life - Usually those that involve relationship,  ingratitude, selfishness, and unmet expectations.  The heaviest of these crosses are those which we have been carrying for a long time, and there has been no sign of positive change.  The wounds get deeper with the passing of time, and we are tempted to eliminate the source of them (the person who is repeatedly hurting or frustrating us).    We don't want to be so foolish as to allow other people to continually hurt us.  So, we become paralyzed in the relationship.  We want the situation to improve, but the other person won't allow it.

Consider the following: 

"If we only had faith we should show good-will to all creatures; we should cherish them and be interiorly grateful to them as serving, by God's will, for our perfection."
~ Fr. Jean Pierre de Caussade

"Harm does not come to us from external circumstances, but from how we react to them interiorly.  The harm that other people do to me, never comes from them, it comes from me."

"We have no right to identify people with the wrong they do.  That would be to imprison them and lose all hope in their regard.  Nor can we identify anyone - especially not ourselves - with the good they do."

"It is consoling to know that we can draw great spiritual profit from a trial with nothing spiritual about it."

~Interior Freedom, Jacques Phillipe

"Vain are all our lookings around to companions and relatives; they are broken reeds if we lean upon them - often unwilling when able and unable when they are willing.  Since the promise comes alone from God, it would be well to wait only upon Him, and when we do so, our expectation never fails us.  In all times of fiery trial, in patience let us possess our souls."  ~Charles Spurgeon

Sometimes things seem very complicated when we are in the center of the relationship matrix.  However, we should strive to imitate Christ's simplicity.  If someone hurts us repeatedly, we are called to forgive repeatedly.  We need to know that sometimes a difficult conversation is required to "clear the air".  We are very hesitant to do this because we don't want to hurt anyone.  However, 

"The Christian ideal is not to avoid hurting people, but to avoid harming them.  Peter probably did not feel very good after Jesus said to him, 'Get behind me, Satan.'" ~The Art of Christian Listening, Thomas Hart

We are called to speak the truth, in love.  And we've heard it a million times - Sometimes, the truth hurts.  If you think an uncomfortable dialogue is in your future, be encouraged.  Pray.  Ask God for wisdom.  Spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament.  Write down what you want to say.  Ask God if he approves it.  Consider whether you will still think engaging in dialogue was best, even if it is not well-received.

"Human beings are more than the sum of the good they can accomplish.  They are children of God, whether they do good or cannot yet manage to do anything.  Our Father in heaven does not love us because of the good we do.  He loves us for ourselves, because he has adopted us as His children forever.

This is why humility, spiritual poverty, is so precious:  it locates our identity securely in the one place where it will be safe from all harm.  If our treasure is in God, no one can take it from us."
`Interior Freedom, Jacques Phillipe

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for the truth of who You are, and for calling us so clearly to be like You.  Please grant us prudence and wisdom for the relationships in our lives, especially those that are painful to us.  You know we are tempted to protect ourselves at all costs, and yet, You don't.  Help us to realize that our love for humanity must boil down to love of man, with all of his irritating faults and shortcomings.  Lord, thank you for loving us into existence and loving us just because.  Help us to imitate Your mercy, Your forgiveness, and Your love.  Please give us the grace to detach ourselves from our expectations of others, and to look only to You for our every need.  I love You.  Amen. 

Reflection On A "Short" Life

If you read my last post, you know that I had a friend who died over the weekend.  She was 60 years old and a long-time friend of the family.  She didn't have any children of her own, so she "adopted" me and my siblings.  She would take us for a week in the summer to go fishing, make dolls, and just "be".  And she died in the middle of the night.  Her husband went to wake her when she didn't get up at the sound of her alarm, and she was gone. 

I've been thinking about how 60 seems like such a young age to die, and how it is harder to accept death when it seems wrong in some way. 

I bought my boys a couple of books on the lives of the Saints for the Feast of St. Nicholas, with the idea that we would learn about a new one every day of the year.  Our reading has been more miss than hit, but it occurred to me that most of the saints we've learned about die somewhere in or around their 40's.  Many younger than that, but few older.

That got me to thinking that if Heaven is full of people who have lived "short" lives, then maybe their lives aren't so short after all.  If you have lived long enough to enter Heaven, then that's really all that matters.  Time spent speculating on all that could have been, or lamenting the chasm between the final outcome and our expectations, is not time well spent.

Maybe one of the reasons for the many, many saints produced by centuries past, is that the people knew they wouldn't have 80 plus years to get it right.  If we were middle-aged at 20, there would probably be a lot less pot-smoking going on, and a lot more praying!  Maybe we would live more consciously.  My guess is that we would more readily live a life that glorifies God, and at a much younger age, too.    

Dear God, Thank you for the peace that comes with the first day back to school.  Thank you for my friend, Linda, and for the time we spent together.  Thank you for the lives of the saints, and the way they inspire us to emulate them.  You are the Author of Life and Redeemer of death.  Thank you for giving us Your Son, who is everything we need to spend eternity with You.  Amen.      

Zero Desire to Please My Children

I woke up with the same feeling I went to bed with last night - I'm frustrated with my kids.  We were given free tickets for the hayride at Santa's Wonderland (A Christmas light display with "over a million lights").  I've been wanting to go for years and haven't because my husband is vehemently opposed.  So, last night, we went with Grandma and a friend of hers.

The lights were awesome and worth the money we would have paid for the tickets.  No doubt about it.  But, a few things along the way crept in and insidiously stole my joy.

Walking the football field-length gravel parking lot, in the dark, carrying a 3-year-old, and trying to get the older two to STOP throwing rocks and playing tag between all of the pedestrians and parked cars, was #1.  It might not have been so bad, if I didn't have to grab my boys by their coats before they heeded my voice.

The gravel-lined path for the hayride waiting line also proved too much temptation for little boys.  They HAD to pick up the rocks and fill the one hood between them, in between trying to kick them a reasonable distance.  No problem, except the aforementioned line is full of people in close proximity.  Fun.  #2.

After a reasonable wait, we happily climbed aboard the hayride on the second trailer, the farthest away from the diesel fumes.  The moment we've all been waiting for...  We were getting ready to go under the first tunnel of lights, but I had to cajole my 3-year-old to look at it, as he was looking at the ground move underneath the back tire.  He was cold, but refused the jackets I brought, and was that "I'm ready to go home" kid about 1/3 of the way through.  #3.

We completed the light tour with many oohs and awes, some musical chairs on the hayride, lots of "I'm ready to go home, now's", and overwhelming appreciation that the entire light display ended with Jesus rising from the tomb (a resurrection/ascension combo, if you will).  Jesus Christ got the most important "spot" and for this I was uplifted.  At least, The reason for the whole production had been remembered, and honored.  I was happy for Jesus.

To make the night complete, we agreed by consensus, that we would drink some hot chocolate by the blazing bonfire, and listen to some live music.  I volunteered to stand in the hot chocolate line and everyone else settled in by the fire.  15 minutes later, I rejoined the group, looking forward to melting away the remnants of the early accumulation of trivial irritations. 

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Oldest is pouting because he needs a straw (#4), youngest is sad because it's too hot to drink (#5), and I can't really relax because I'm holding two cups of hot chocolate (#6).  As comforting as holding one warm drink is, holding two screams, "You cannot relax because things are not as they should be!"  I was officially in my 3-year-old's camp, "I'm ready to go home, now!"  On the way out, my middle son begged for kettle corn because he was so hungry (#7).  Sorry, I just spent $13.50 on hot chocolate.

~After writing the first paragraph, I recognized the problem.  I have been wanting to go to Santa's Wonderland for years.  My expectations were simply to high, from the get-go.  I wish I could have recognized and released myself from those ugly, little things!  That doesn't mean that my kids shouldn't have been better behaved and more appreciative - these are things parents should expect from their children!  But, the fact that they fell short highlights the areas where I've fallen short.  Maybe that's another reason I wasn't able to let go of all the little stuff, like I supposed I should.

I don't ever remember being ungrateful as a child.  Wait.  Would I remember that?  . 

Anyway, I'm sitting here this morning, with zero desire to please my children.  My efforts yesterday proved that they can't be satisfied.  So today, for now, they're on their own.  Maybe I'll feel differently after I offer my prayer...

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for the awesome light display at Santa's Wonderland and for the finale, Your Son, Who lives and reigns, forever and ever.  Lord, I am frustrated with my children's lack of obedience and gratitude.  Every morning, I offer you my life, including my boys and my parenting.  I have already done that today, but I am doing it again, now.  Lord, please guide me.  Help me to practice Your mercy and love.  Please give me the wisdom to know when and how to discipline them, so they may be pleasing to You (and to us).  Please forgive my impatience, ingratitude, and failures in charity.  I love you.  Amen.       

Regarding Unmet Expectations As "Stables"

I'm reading a book called Spiritual Mothering, by Susan Hunt.  She makes a great point this morning and I want to share it with you.

She is talking about Mary's clarity of purpose (and she isn't even Catholic!).  She discusses the extremes in Mary's life after the angel told her she was going to give birth to a son...the Son of the Most High.  A king.  Most specifically, giving birth to a king - not in a palace, nor even inside, but outside in a stable with the sheep and goats.

She tries to imagine Mary's possible disappointment about the conditions in which she would give birth to the Savior, Jesus, but more than that, her realization that it must be this way.  "Throughout the Old Testament salvation and sacrifice were inseparably linked.  To be the Savior meant that He would be the Lamb - the Lamb who would be sacrificed for the sins of His people."  She imagines Mary saying, Of course, where else would a lamb be born except in a stable!  Lord, you think of everything!

"In defining herself as a servant, Mary had relinquished control to God.  Her purpose was not her convenience but God's glory...For many women today, their purpose in life is shaped by their desire to attain the personal happiness they are told they deserve.  So they are not only disappointed by unrealized expectations, they are defeated."

The key here is to recognize the why behind our existence.  We are here to glorify God.  How do we do that?  Just like Jesus did for His Father, "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do"... (John 17:4)

We simply have to do the work He has assigned us (From my experience, this always boils down to loving and serving).  For parents, this is pretty straight-forward, there is always something to do!  For everyone else, it is not as hard as it sounds.  Tell God that you want to do His will and ask Him to reveal it to you.  Look around.  Don't be surprised if He is asking you to serve exactly where you are!

At the end of each chapter, Ms. Hunt offers a challenge.  She asks, "Can you honestly say that you want God's glory to be your life-purpose?"  Can you?  If not, what is holding you back?

Lastly, she offers a little exercise that can bear great fruit if it is thoughtfully done:

Write the statement "I am the Lord's servant" at the top of a piece of paper.

a.  Under that statement, list any hurts, expectations, disappointments, etc. that you are struggling with.

b.  Now ask God to enable you to interpret everything on your list in light of His will for you.  Ask Him to show you how each person, circumstance, or event is your platform to reflect the glory of His grace that has been poured into you.

c.  Ask the Father to help you discover the treasure He has for you in your "stable."

Dear God, Thank you for giving purpose to the "stables" in our lives.  Thank you for Jesus, Mary, and Joseph who have had these experiences before us.  Please give us eyes to see the places where we are hurting because our expectations were not met.  Lord, help us to realize that our expectations are often not based in truth and the only thing that ever matters is glorifying You, and that is always possible.  Help us to see the people and painful circumstances in our lives as part of the treasure You intend for us.  Our growth is an essential part of Your plan for our salvation, and in Your wisdom You know that we often don't grow unless we are uncomfortable.  May You be glorified in everything I do.  Amen.