I Should Have Answered the Phone

Have you ever had someone in your life that simply loved you well?  No strings attached.  Love without obligation or responsibility.  Love that seeks you out because you're you.  Years go by without seeing one another or even talking on the phone, but the world is still a friendlier and sunnier place because you know they're out there and they're crazy about you?  And the only memories you have together are good and wonderful with no junk thrown in?

I have.

 And today, during my son's naptime, my phone rang, and the number belonged to one of these special someone's.  But, I didn't answer.  I knew it was going to be a long conversation since we hadn't caught up in so long, and my son was asleep, and I was working on a gift that I needed to finish by tomorrow, blah, blah, blah...  So, I didn't answer and thought I would call her a little later today.

On the way to Mass, my friend called me again.  Once again, I didn't answer because I didn't have time to talk (and I hate it when people answer the phone to tell me they don't have time to talk - especially when I haven't talked to them in a really long time).  I generally think it is best practice to let your voicemail get it, if you really can't talk.  But, today, that was not what was best.

I got in the car after Mass and my husband's phone rang.  It was my Mom trying to get a hold of me.  She called to tell me that her (and my) lifelong friend died yesterday.  The same one I thought was calling me a couple of hours before.  When I didn't answer.  Only it couldn't have been.  She died yesterday.  It must have been her husband calling me from her phone, trying to get in touch with me, to let me know.  I tried to call him back tonight, but he didn't answer.  I left a voicemail.

I will be going to KS for the funeral in a couple of days and will be chewing on memories between now and then.  She was a tried and true friend to my Mom and my family, and a sheer blessing to me.

I trust she is in Heaven or on her way, so I'm not sad for her.  I will be praying for her soul and asking her to pray for mine. 

But, I am left with myself, which isn't feeling too awesome at the moment.  I'm a bad friend.  I should have answered the phone.  And the thing is, I'm a bad friend to many.  I don't initiate.  I don't reach out, unless there is an urgent need.  I don't pick up the phone to call, or sometimes even answer (if I can't talk or it's naptime). 

The last thing I want to do is make excuses, but I've tried to figure this out about myself at different times, and I think it boils down to being an introvert.  My husband argued with this assessment for years, but it's true.  I really love and am truly interested in people and their lives, but I recharge at home.  Alone.  In the quiet.  Raising three boys, seven and under, doesn't generally allow for the kind (or quantity) of recharging that I need.  So, I am always craving it, but fighting it at the same time, and I hate this about myself, especially today.

I know my friend knew that I loved her, but not because I showed it very well.  And for this, I am sorry.       


Dear Heavenly Father,  Thank you for my friend, Linda, and for all that she added to the lives of those around her.  Thank you for the friend that she was to my mother and to my family.  Thank you for the way that she loved me.  Please, eternal rest grant unto her, and let Your Perpetual Light shine upon her and the souls of all the faithful departed.  Through Your Mercy, let them rest in peace.  Lord, Please comfort her husband.  Rest Your Hand upon him and let Him know you are near.  Please forgive me for my selfishness today and every time it has robbed another of a blessing you had in store for them.  Especially when You intended it to come from me.  Lord, please show me how to be a better friend.  I don't want to fail those you have entrusted to me.  Amen.