My disbelief has grown with each passing hour. Not because I'm so awesome, but how could I be so wrong?! How can I still be too young when I've already been waiting to begin this program for two years, and wouldn't be finished with the program for three more?!! How not ready can I be?
The director told me at my interview that the selection process was a discernment, which in this case, meant there was prayer involved. And I don't think a group of prayerful people can really screw up God's plan. Can they?
My pride wants to send a long email explaining how I became a caregiver at age 16, and detail all of the other things that make me older (wiser) than my age might tell. 1Timothy 4:12 flies into my brain as a rebuttal: Let no one have contempt for your youth, but set an example for those who believe, in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity.
But, then I think of the example. Jesus. Isaiah 53:7 - Though harshly treated, he submitted and did not open his mouth; Like a lamb led to slaughter or a sheep silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth.
And He was God.
I'm just a human being who's feeling a little misunderstood and very confused.
Aside from being 100% certain that my husband was the man I wanted to marry, I have never felt so sure of anything.
The self-doubt is creeping in and the ground is feeling a little shaky. Maybe it's a coincidence (are there such things?), but our A/C went out on Friday. When we learned the price of the replacement, I started wondering if I need to be working. I have no idea. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done...
The Desire to Please God
My Lord God, I have no idea where I
am going, I do not see the road ahead of
me. I cannot know for certain where it
will end. Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am
following your will does not mean that
I am actually doing so. But I believe
that the desire to please you does in
fact please you. And I hope I have that
desire in all that I am doing. I hope
that I will never do anything apart
from that desire. And I know that if I
do this you will lead me by the right
road, though I may know nothing
about it. Therefore, I will trust you
always though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death. I will not
fear, for you are ever with me, and you
will never leave me to face my perils
alone. Thomas Merton
