At Your Window

I’m sorry in advance that this is depressing.  But, the reality is stark.  I wrote this poem on my way home from work after doing another window visit today.  

I understand that nursing homes are trying to keep their residents safe, intentions are good, they have to follow the rules that other people make, and the heroes who work there are working very, very hard...

But, they are suffering trying to be all things to all people, and the people they are working so hard to serve are suffering more still.  I don’t know how to change laws or rules, but I know how to write.  And I know how to hope to be a voice for the voiceless as people languish in the silence...

At Your Window

I am standing outside your window

And you can see me there

But I cannot hold your hand 

And I cannot stroke your hair.

I yell through the glass that I miss you

And I fill your bird feeder

You yell back from your bed

That you feel bad everywhere.

I say that I am sorry

I say “This is the pits”

You lay there untouched and seen

Hoping this is it.

But it’s not and you grow tired

You’re angry they like to say

So the overworked few who can come in

No longer want to stay.

I tell you that I love you

But through the window I cannot climb

So, I turn around and walk away

And again leave you behind.

I hope that some little birds

Will come and stay awhile

Though they innocently flaunt their freedom

May they also bring a smile...

While you lay in endless wait 

For things to open up

You will not die from Covid

You will die from lack of love.

Death-Blow to the Senses

I'm out of everything.  Wisdom, Generosity, Energy, and Inspirations.  I'm not really sure how long I've been out, but just know that I am.  I seem to be failing rather than helping those I've taken on, and feel like I have traipsed deep into the Forest of "Dumb and Fumbling".  I know God loves me, and I love Him, but there are no feelings that accompany this great knowledge. 

This apathetic feeling has been called "dark night of the soul" or desolation.  If I had to name it, I guess I would call it faith a la carte.  Faith by itself.  Belief in God without a dollop of feeling or side dish of personal satisfaction. 

But, I don't really want to call it anything.  To name it makes it seem like something concrete or tangible.  It isn't.  It doesn't feel like anything.  In fact, it feels like the opposite of anything.  Simply nothing.  A void. It feels like God is far away.  I can "see" Him in Creation and experience His love through others.  I can read and talk about Him.  But, I just can't "hear" or "feel" Him.

Further proof of this "distance" has been evident during my last several Holy hours.  They have felt sterile and seemed unproductive.  I know this is impossible, as taking time to "be" with the Lord is always productive, just for drawing close to Him. 

More or less, my standard Holy hour consists of talking to Jesus for 15 minutes, listening for 15, and reading to learn more about Him for 30.  Most recently, though, I have talked plenty during my turn, and eventually doze off while I wait for Him to begin His "turn".  He doesn't seem to have anything to say to me. 

While I am trying to settle into the idea of hearing nothing indefinitely, I am trying to get comfortable with all that I lack.  I am acutely aware that grace has consistently provided all of the above gifts (wisdom, generosity, energy, and inspirations), that I am accustomed to.  I am grateful for them, look forward to their return, and will try to maintain peace of heart until they do.

I know that when we act exclusively from our will, without regard to feelings (or lack of), these actions are the purest of all.  Pure, because we don't get any kickback.  It kills selfishness.  And that is always good. 

I find great comfort in the treatment of this "death blow" to the senses in Abandonment to Divine Providence:

~When God speaks it is a mystery, and therefore a death-blow to my senses and reason...The divine action by one and the same stroke kills and gives life; the more one feels the death to the senses and reason, the more convinced should one become that it gives life to the soul...The life of faith is a continual struggle against the senses."

~The senses, in terror, suddenly cry to the soul, "Unhappy one!  You have now no resource, you are lost," and instantly faith with a stronger voice answers:  "Keep firm, go on, and fear nothing."

~There cannot be anything great in us in the sight of God except our passive endurance...the operation of divine providence is accomplished in great measure without our knowledge, and even in a way that is unexpected and disagreeable to us."

I haven't heard God's voice in a while, but He sent me a message today in God Calling.  He confirmed His action, wisdom, and power, the unimportance of my own capabilities and sentiments, and confirmed my ability to unleash His wisdom and power in my life. 

Follow My Guidance.  Be afraid to venture on your own as a child fears to leave its mother's side.  Doubt of your own wisdom, and reliance on Mine will teach you humility. 

Humility is not the belittling of self.  It is forgetting the self.  Nay more, forgetting the self, because you are remembering Me.

You must not expect to live in a world where all is harmony.  You must not expect to live where others are in unbroken accord with you.  It is your task to maintain your own heart peace in adverse circumstances.  Harmony is always yours when you strain your ear to catch Heaven's music.

Doubt always your power or wisdom to put things right, ask Me to right all as you leave it to Me and go on your way loving and laughing.  I am wisdom.  Only My wisdom can rightly decide anything - settle any problem.  So rely on Me.  All is well.

Dear God, Thank you for this overcast day, places to sit outside, and naptime!  Lord, you know how I am feeling.  Pretty small, a little bit dumb, and very helpless.  I am sorry I have come to rely so heavily on the gifts You have been so generous with.  You are Wisdom.  You are Generosity.  You are Energy.  You are Inspiration.  These things are mine only in the measure that I claim them in You.  Thank you for the humbling reminder.  I offer you my inabilities and lack of all.  May they glorify You.  Thank you for opportunities to act solely out of the will, so that selfishness can wither and weaken.  Thank you for the written word, when there is nothing to hear.  Please grant me humility, patience, kindness, and peace of heart, as I wait on You.  I love you and thank you for all that was, is, and is to come.  I love You.  Amen.