Wanted or Needed?

Today is my (our) 16th wedding anniversary.  Sweet 16!  Is somebody going to surprise us with a new car?!   Great, if you plan to make the payments.  If not, we're good with what we've got.   Thank you, though.

I'm grateful for a reason to celebrate today, as my heart is heavy after attending the funeral of a long- time friend and man I loved yesterday.  His wife is one of my dearest friends and one of the strongest people I know.  During the service, she got up to speak after I sang their wedding song.  I marvel at what she is made out of.

So, recognizing the profound loss of a spouse, and knowing many who are living with that reality, I am trying to feel celebratory because years of marriage don't come easy.

In marriage, there are things you have to "agree to disagree" on.  We have some, and they are pretty big things.

Like Need vs. Want, for example.

Early in our marriage, we lived in the country and I stayed home with our two boys who were less than a year apart.  My days were long and I couldn't wait until my husband got home.  On a bad day, even five extra minutes to change a lightbulb after work could send me into a tailspin.

It was probably after one of those days that I expressed my concern to my husband.  "I need you more than you need me."   He said that I was right.  He didn't need me.  He wanted me.  And that was better.

I think I'm still recovering.  But, over the years, I've considered and even defended his position.  I know that it is difficult to love when need is great, and even more so, when what you have to offer is never enough.  Who has energy left over to feel and/or be loving when you're wiped out from meeting demands?  I get it.

I just don't think need and want can be so easily separated.

I believe that humans have a basic need for other human beings.  We all know about the horrific studies of the children who had food and drink, but died without human touch. We need to love and be loved.  To see and be seen.  To understand and be understood.  We are interdependent.  My entire life has bathed in and revolved around this need, and I'm guessing yours has, too.

So, I have a hard time believing my marriage is the exception.  The place where need is cast out or transcended, and we've arrived at the more esteemed place - desire. 

But, if you define need as "necessary for survival", my husband is right.  He doesn't need me.  Unless we are talking about a child in its mother's womb, one person does not need another person to survive.  Even caretakers providing life-sustaining care can be replaced by others with the same skill set.

It is halting for me to consider the possibility that while we do have need of other human beings, we don't actually have a need for a particular one.  I value relationship above all else and it feels like a betrayal to even write such a thing.

But, desire is a different thing altogether.

My husband defends this with everything that is in him.  We need water to survive, but it is our beverage of choice that we enjoy.  We have closets full of clothes that make it acceptable for us to be in society and to keep us warm, but we have our favorite sweatshirt.  He is my Pepsi and I am his camoflage pullover.

I am resistant and moved at the same time.  And so it goes.

This morning, I spent an hour ironing one shirt.  I might even have tried to touch it up after the boy put it on (it wasn't that hot and he was wearing an undershirt).  It's embarassing how pathetic I am at ironing.

I can get away with this, because my husband does it.  He was a Marine and they know how to iron.

He provides for our family, makes the coffee, teaches our boys how to shoot stuff, picks up after me (and never complains), and fixes everything.   I do most of the cooking, the bulk of the laundry, pay the bills, and take kids to doctor's appointments.

The rest of life is an ongoing negotiation.  Not like with hostages, but sort of.  Sometimes.

In sixteen years of marriage, we've learned that you can go to bed mad, and other than not sleeping well, you can still make a full recovery.  We've learned that whether we agree on who is needed or what is wanted, what gives life meaning, or what "bedtime" actually means, we can still have a lot of fun, and be glad we're doing life with someone who is so unlike our self.

Marriage must be the smallest and yet most profound celebration of "Unity in Diversity" there ever was, is, or shall be.

Happy Anniversary to us, and congratulations to all who still find a way to find a way to make it work.  To all who are missing your spouse, and wishing for nothing more than 10 more minutes or one more fight, my heart aches for you.  Thank you for the reminder that what is, will not always be.  It is good to keep that in mind.