Sunday, February 3, 2013

Love Is Not Jealous - A Work In Progress

My boys had a swim meet today.  Brett volunteered to time, and I came later with the youngest and my mother-in-law.  As we walked in and took our seats in the balcony, Brett was talking and laughing with a young lady with long dark hair, tight pants, and a tank top on.  I'm pretty sure she could be a super model, if she's not one already.

I felt my stomach sink, but thought it would just be a momentary thing.  Then, I realized she was his timing partner, and they would be together for the duration of the swim meet.

Ohhhh, what an excellent opportunity for growth, here.  As the meet progressed, I vacillated between feeling proud that I wasn't feeling more jealous, and then feeling more jealous than proud.  Yuck.

Just today, we heard in the second reading that love is not jealous.  So, what the heck?  I know I love my husband, but apparently my love still needs to be purified, and maybe more than a little.

Unfortunately, I think God has a plan to help me with this (as demonstrated today).  Bummer. I mean, Thank you, Lord.

On a rational level, I know I am "proven" (as a friend's husband tells her in her insecure moments).  I know I am a much better "catch" than I was 15 years ago, and I wouldn't go back to 20 for love nor money.  But, that doesn't mean it isn't pretty to look at.

One day, I hope to reach the place where I can be happy that my husband has enjoyed another woman's beauty.  But, for now, I am going to have to settle with knowing that these humbling opportunities are perfecting my love.

Note:  I was very tempted to keep these thoughts tucked safely away in my little green journal, but in the spirit of a soul laid bare, I am sharing them, that they might be at worst, amusing to you, and helpful, at best.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for the Eucharist this morning and the priests who bring You to us.  Thank you for another gorgeous day.  Thank you for already-made-Knights-of-Colombus-chili and sparing me another opportunity to disappoint in the kitchen.  Thank you for healthy children who can and want to swim.  Please forgive my imperfect love, even after all this time.  Thank you for exceptionally beautiful women, and the opportunities they give others to grow in virtue.  Help them to know that their beauty is a reflection of your Beauty and that You are the One who bestowed it upon them.  Please help me and all other women who shrink when we (or our husbands) are in their company.  Help us to feel Your Love, especially in those moments, when we feel only the things we lack.  You are so generous and faithful.  Thank you for all.  I love You.  Amen.


  1. I've just started following your blog... And I'm so glad I did! Thank you so much for this very real post. Thank you for not hiding behind a plastered smile and false aura of faith. It's so refreshing to know that we all struggle, we all are tested and molded by His hands even at our lows! I look forward to hearing more from you little green journal.

    1. Yay!!! Thank you, Mohundro mom! My sister and I were just talking yesterday about the "risk" of blogging about something of such a personal nature, and opening myself up to criticism. However, it is for people like yourself who appreciate an honest account (even if it's a little uncomfortable), that the risk is entirely worth it to me.

      I facilitate women's groups at my Church, and see so much pain women carry unnecessarily because they think they are the only one who has this or fears that.

      A woman's heart is such a beautiful thing, I would do almost anything to embolden it.

      Thanks again for your affirmation!