Sunday, July 29, 2012

Sick And Tired

I've not been feeling very well for the last several days.  Nothing major - just swollen glands and no energy.  I don't really even want to mention it, but it falls under the mundane category, so I'm going to try to make it into my prayer back to God.  I appreciate using this blog as a tool to get there, because it hasn't come easily before now.  I'm still not sure how this will wind up, but it always does, so I begin, with faith. 

Yesterday, my two older boys spent the afternoon at the lake with a friend.  My youngest was Daddy's right-hand man all day.  That left me alone.  Normally, I love being alone.  I dream about days and moments such as these.  But, yesterday, I was just sad.  I felt sad to be the "left overs".  I take that back, I was the dog's first choice for a companion, but I felt like I was disappointing him, too.  I (maybe for the first time ever) wished I was with my guys, instead of being alone!  I wished we were at the lake, together.  We actually gave the older ones the choice, but they chose being with their friend, instead.  I didn't even have enough energy to read for very long without falling asleep.  I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted to do or felt like doing.  Then, I assailed myself with thoughts of how spoiled I am and how pitiful that this was the best I could do.   

Feeling like this made me wonder if I'm falling down on the self-improvement job.  Am I really a person who doesn't know what to do with herself when nothing is being demanded of her?!  Yikes!  My normal get-up-and-go is hiding from me and I'm too tired to look for it.  My house is not clean and my meals are mediocre, but the good thing is that nobody is really complaining.  Whatever my body is fighting and being on the last leg of summer got the best of me yesterday.  It is embarrassing for me to admit that, which is why I have to.  It's good for humility. 

Some people find God more easily when all is well, like me.  Others are more apt to run to Him when they are in need.  Maybe He's stretching me in the other direction?  I am thankful for going to Mass this morning and receiving Jesus - the ultimate reset button. 

I'm thankful that God isn't asking me for great courage or amazing feats of strength.  I feel small and like I have very little to offer.  I don't even have 5 loaves and 2 fish, like the boy in today's Gospel reading.  But, what I have is enough.  When God gives me more, then my offering will be more.  I am going to chase the devil away, and give God what I have, instead of wallowing around in self-pity.  God doesn't give any qualifiers about how much is too little.

So, today, I'm taking comfort in the following quote from Fr. Jean-Pierre Caussade in Abandonment to Divine Providence:

"What courage would they not derive from the thought that to acquire the friendship of God, and to arrive at eternal glory, they had but to do what they were doing, but to suffer what they were suffering, and that what they wasted and counted as nothing would suffice to enable them to arrive at eminent sanctity;  far more so than extraordinary states and wonderful works."

"There is not a moment in which God does not present Himself under the cover of some pain to be endured, of some consolation to be enjoyed, or of some duty to be performed.  All that takes place within us, around us, or through us, contains and conceals His divine action."

Dear God, You see us when we are small and feel like we have nothing to give.  You are the One who said we are strong in our weakness.  Lord, please forgive me for being too self-focused and for having too little faith.  Please increase my faith, hope, and love.  Help me to use the stuff of my daily life to "arrive at eminent sanctity".  I don't want to waste it.  Please accept my life and all it contains as my offering to You.  Please bless it and make it holy.  Amen.

1 comment:

  1. Heidi, I'm so sorry you are feeling Ill and hitting a little dry patch. I'll be praying it doesn't last too long. But you know it's inevitable. It's how we grow and deepen our faith.

    I wanted to share with you that I recently picked up and started reading "Consoling the Heart of Jesus" . It's been on my shelf for two years. Looks like the Lord leads us in similar ways. Two Christmases ago, I treated myself to Inner Freedom and Searching for and Maintaining Peace by Jacques Philippe, The Secret Diary of Elizabeth Lesseur, and Consoling the Heart of Jesus.