Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Rejected

I got the call from the Institute for Spiritual Direction today.  I applied for their Spiritual Director program this Spring, and interviewed last week.  The director of the program said they (the board) believe I have a calling to be a Spiritual Director, but "not right now".  I need more time to "do what you're doing."

My disbelief has grown with each passing hour.  Not because I'm so awesome, but how could I be so wrong?!  How can I still be too young when I've already been waiting to begin this program for two years, and wouldn't be finished with the program for three more?!!  How not ready can I be?

The director told me at my interview that the selection process was a discernment, which in this case, meant there was prayer involved.  And I don't think a group of prayerful people can really screw up God's plan.  Can they?

My pride wants to send a long email explaining how I became a caregiver at age 16, and detail all of the other things that make me older (wiser) than my age might tell.  1Timothy 4:12 flies into my brain as a rebuttal:  Let no one have contempt for your youth, but set an example for those who believe, in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity.

But, then I think of the example.  Jesus.  Isaiah 53:7 - Though harshly treated, he submitted and did not open his mouth; Like a lamb led to slaughter or a sheep silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth.

And He was God.

I'm just a human being who's feeling a little misunderstood and very confused.

Aside from being 100% certain that my husband was the man I wanted to marry, I have never felt so sure of anything.

The self-doubt is creeping in and the ground is feeling a little shaky.  Maybe it's a coincidence (are there such things?), but our A/C went out on Friday.  When we learned the price of the replacement, I started wondering if I need to be working.  I have no idea.  Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done...

The Desire to Please God
 
My Lord God, I have no idea where I
am going, I do not see the road ahead of
me.  I cannot know for certain where it
will end.  Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am
following your will does not mean that
I am actually doing so.  But I believe
that the desire to please you does in
fact please you.  And I hope I have that
desire in all that I am doing.  I hope 
that I will never do anything apart 
from that desire.  And I know that if I
do this you will lead me by the right
road, though I may know nothing
about it.  Therefore, I will trust you
always though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.  I will not
fear, for you are ever with me, and you
will never leave me to face my perils
alone.                      Thomas Merton 

5 comments:

  1. Heidi, I am so very sorry you are going through this. My first thought is that you do so much to help the community, maybe God needs you here just a little longer, maybe there is someone here who needs you right now. You are such an inspiration to so many. I will be praying for you to have peace in the coming days. And it is very odd that I haven't heard that prayer before, but we prayed it at our retreat team planning meeting on Sunday! Love you, Friend!

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    1. Thank you, Stephanie. After considering your feedback along with others, I am feeling more confident that If I've misunderstood anything, it's how important what I'm already doing is. Thank you for your support and love.

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  2. HEIDI, I BELIEVE THAT GOD HAS SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT IN MIND FOR YOU! SO DON'T DESPAIR, IT WILL HAPPEN,LOVE, DR. JOHN

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    1. Thank you for your confidence, Dr. John. Mine is catching up. Peace and Much Love, Heidi

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  3. I could understand your confusion, after such painstaking prayer and discernment. But you are such a gift in all the ways in which you minister to people, Heidi. God must have a plan! I pray also for peace of mind for you, that you can rest in the knowledge that you are being so open to God's will, and that He will not disappoint! :)

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