Wednesday, June 26, 2013


I got the call from the Institute for Spiritual Direction today.  I applied for their Spiritual Director program this Spring, and interviewed last week.  The director of the program said they (the board) believe I have a calling to be a Spiritual Director, but "not right now".  I need more time to "do what you're doing."

My disbelief has grown with each passing hour.  Not because I'm so awesome, but how could I be so wrong?!  How can I still be too young when I've already been waiting to begin this program for two years, and wouldn't be finished with the program for three more?!!  How not ready can I be?

The director told me at my interview that the selection process was a discernment, which in this case, meant there was prayer involved.  And I don't think a group of prayerful people can really screw up God's plan.  Can they?

My pride wants to send a long email explaining how I became a caregiver at age 16, and detail all of the other things that make me older (wiser) than my age might tell.  1Timothy 4:12 flies into my brain as a rebuttal:  Let no one have contempt for your youth, but set an example for those who believe, in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity.

But, then I think of the example.  Jesus.  Isaiah 53:7 - Though harshly treated, he submitted and did not open his mouth; Like a lamb led to slaughter or a sheep silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth.

And He was God.

I'm just a human being who's feeling a little misunderstood and very confused.

Aside from being 100% certain that my husband was the man I wanted to marry, I have never felt so sure of anything.

The self-doubt is creeping in and the ground is feeling a little shaky.  Maybe it's a coincidence (are there such things?), but our A/C went out on Friday.  When we learned the price of the replacement, I started wondering if I need to be working.  I have no idea.  Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done...

The Desire to Please God
My Lord God, I have no idea where I
am going, I do not see the road ahead of
me.  I cannot know for certain where it
will end.  Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am
following your will does not mean that
I am actually doing so.  But I believe
that the desire to please you does in
fact please you.  And I hope I have that
desire in all that I am doing.  I hope 
that I will never do anything apart 
from that desire.  And I know that if I
do this you will lead me by the right
road, though I may know nothing
about it.  Therefore, I will trust you
always though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.  I will not
fear, for you are ever with me, and you
will never leave me to face my perils
alone.                      Thomas Merton 


  1. Heidi, I am so very sorry you are going through this. My first thought is that you do so much to help the community, maybe God needs you here just a little longer, maybe there is someone here who needs you right now. You are such an inspiration to so many. I will be praying for you to have peace in the coming days. And it is very odd that I haven't heard that prayer before, but we prayed it at our retreat team planning meeting on Sunday! Love you, Friend!

    1. Thank you, Stephanie. After considering your feedback along with others, I am feeling more confident that If I've misunderstood anything, it's how important what I'm already doing is. Thank you for your support and love.


    1. Thank you for your confidence, Dr. John. Mine is catching up. Peace and Much Love, Heidi

  3. I could understand your confusion, after such painstaking prayer and discernment. But you are such a gift in all the ways in which you minister to people, Heidi. God must have a plan! I pray also for peace of mind for you, that you can rest in the knowledge that you are being so open to God's will, and that He will not disappoint! :)